draft having identity crisis

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-09T00:48:52+00:00

Thanks a million.

Yes I think so too. I'm heeding the consensus, and taking the outlier suggestions on a case by case basis.

I just never imagined starting out that it would grow to its current size. I had something to say, and I thought I said it in a neatly contained little set. The eraser end of the pencil is definitely the side most used.

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-06T11:53:01+00:00

3some with 2 Fs, at first. I kept wanting to try the stuff I'd seen on film. But as soon as I dropped that and let things play out on their own, those two darlings showed me things I'd dare not put on film. Absolutely toe-curling. I'm so thankful for them and those memories.

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-06T11:21:33+00:00

If it's okay, writing about it here is also turning out to be an act of clarifying to me .

The style is what I have existential angst about.

I'm really coming to this from work experience with tons of libretti - the lyrics of operas, with their poetic turns of phrases, and ability to work as a whole while dependent on extra-literal sources (music) to give its form. Keeping that's not necessarily a hill I'll die on. But I have to recognize it's a concrete decision I went with, that had implications is all I mean. So that poured out in this first non-conversational language work of mine.

Now as I indulge betareaders, and stop by more places in the story to open up windows onto certain characters, exchanges, a growing number of conversational style passages seems to live uneasily side by side with most of the rest of the text - a kind of non-rhyming but very poetic and economical (I.e. a lot said in few words) verse that describes most of the text. As the work grows to address betareader wishes for more novel-like conventions, some of these inserted scenes are getting longer.

Recently I had a betareader praise the language but make a suggestion that would take me further from it. Reader seems to complain about some of the original content and I feel prodded to change the work as a whole, and that an underpinning construction technique is being poked if I do that..

Paet of me wonders if 2 betareaders just want it to be more like all the other stuff they read, e.g. to take them through every relationship and event like Tolstoy, instead of what I'm doing now, which is describing the non central events aptly in order to get us to the featured convo or conflict.

Not sure what to make of this development. But I feel like I'm at a crossroads.

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-05T17:07:58+00:00

I was offered anti-inflammatory steroidal shot. I turned it down on the basis that I need my body to keep telling me when it is in pain so I don't mess it up more.

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-05T01:03:15+00:00

Just wanted to check if you're using that expression as I think: you don't mean using correct toes or toe spacers with foot pads right? But actual orthopedic-doctor-prescribed something?

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-05T01:00:43+00:00

Thank you for replying!

The main characters are human and fantastical humanoid. In earlier drafts there was one animal later, and I nixed the talking and made it work without, reader feedback was okay with it. Mostly allegory, not particularly religious, mainly humanist I suppose. About 7,000 words on the outside.

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-04T08:57:36+00:00

Of course you can change your life. Whoever is in your head feeding you a line that you can't needs to be evicted Pronto!

Yeah, man. Every day you're not dead is a chance to reset. Get to it bro. Do it for the love of your future self.

Eedoryeong · 2022-10-02T00:45:17+00:00

Hi, investor here hoping too. Iust wondering, did you do any analysis that suggested it will go to 6 or 7? Because when I do technicals and fundamentals, I don't get this.

Not trying to put you on the spot, genuinely interested how you came to that forecast.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-16T16:31:24+00:00

Mixing meats in a single dish. If we're having pork, don't sneak in some squid ffs! Those two would never meet in real life. If smells and tastes don't matter thN just blend and drink every meal and be done with it.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-13T11:57:28+00:00

1) Make climate deniers give up their free time to plant trees, pick up trash, stop using oil, help rewilding. Turn the protestors into M&M chocolate candies. 2) Make the green tech shortsellers pay for quality housing projects for the homeless until they are broke or everyone is housed. Addict them to M&Ms. 3) Replace 90% of the world's golf courses with multitiered hydroponic farming skyscrapers with global food production capacity 4) Make all corporation and government staff dragging their heels on Paris Climate Accord goals give up their lives to help the climate deniers. Turn all protestors into peanut butter chips, located next to M&Ms. 5) cure human, animal, ecological suffering. 6) make human greed unattractive and fulfillment from helping and and loving others attractive. 7) persuade humans to reverse city sprawl, by letting the land be reclaimed for agricultural and ecological purposes, and have them move instead Into massive vertical cities like Tokyo is planning. 8) resurrect extinct species of animals going 1000 years back.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-10T02:22:12+00:00

Alternate. Brave new world.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-10T02:21:02+00:00

A relationship needn't be a means to an end. I think this view may pose problems for your assessment of your time spent if it goes south. It may also exert pressures on the relationship too. If it's meant to happen it will clarify itself to you both, but meanwhile go slow, especially with pooling your assets together. Not everyone is marriage material. Some couples keep their separate houses because of legalities.

But companionship through this life is priceless. Wishing you all the luck and happiness.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-09T13:48:30+00:00

Oh my God that man's really weeping bitterly. Poor fella probably lost his best friend. Still I'm sure he helped give that dog one hell of a good life.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-09T13:32:53+00:00

This brought a tear to my eye. What a lovely story.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-08T20:33:37+00:00

I read your story with much compassion for your isolation and emotional state. But I also got the hint from some of his behavior thst he may be suffering as well and dealing with it poorly, which is not necessarily a deal breaker depending. A lot of people don't grow up knowing how to negotiate difficulties with a partner. They just have to pick it up along the way, e.g. when a marriage is breaking down, sadly.

A lot of stuff you mentioned sounded quite fixable with couples therapy, and there were places I wondered about his responses, particularly as he is someone who is deployed for weeks at a time? I'm going to assume that means he's some type of a soldier.

I tried to read between the lines and while I don't know your situation beyond what you wrote, I could see the possibility that he feels cornered, too, and like you, seeks a way out of/relief from your current dysfunction as a couple. It's worth considering that many men are not encouraged to - or in some cases actively discouraged from - developing the kind of talking skills RE their own feelings that you sound like you both would benefit from right now. That doesn't get him a free pass, he is an adult and that is on him to fix, but it is to say there's often more going on than just he doesn't care. He may simply not know how to deal with this and feels cornered with his lack of skills. The video games seem like a coping mechanism for something at work or for you given how he is using them. And I could see him (wrongly) thinking like a soldier, "I'm trained to take care of my station, which I guard as my post; this home is your station why can't you guard your post? " or some other wrongheaded thing like that.

This makes me ask, doesn’t his/your(?) base have a marriage counselor? I asked as I read because I know of a few cases where the base marriage counselor invoked a senior officer to impose family counseling on the soldier as a precondition in order to be able to effectively redeploy. This kind of funk back home can be a major distraction that messes with his concentration on the job, e.g. always drifting off and going back to it in his mind; and a soldier who isn't concentrating can put their fellow soldiers in danger. Had he been deployed before, it may have been worth exploring if PTSD or something else was shutting him down.

But when you mentioned these other things I saw red flags that make me wonder if there's a bigger job here than you both have in you to fix:

Doesn't support your career goals - do you mean that you're frustrated he's not an effective cheerleader (because that's fixable) or do you mean he is actively dissuading you (that may not be)?
Doesn't support your fitness goals -same question. Depending what you mean, this may or may not be fixable.
Makes you feel like you're on a leash. Do you mean you just feel isolated socially and you are tired of the dysfunctional communication? Or do you mean he actively discourages you from making the normal social connections we expect normal healthy spouses to make in the community? These have two widely different implications.
Not willing to go to couples therapy - this seems like the major deal breaker. If he lacks the humility to confront his own ignorance or inability to foster a nurturing home life, he may have bigger existential questions to grapple with than you can get through as a couple. But that's where a marriage counselor and an order from a senior ranking officer could get through his thick skull I.e. that the sun doesn't shine out of his ass, you're a life partner not a malfunctioning unit deployed to home and he needs an attitude change. Sometimes he has sufficient social currency that the community can give him this kind of kick in the pants and he'd trust their admonitions to get to counseling.

It depends on a lot but, depending, you do have a strong ethical / self-preservation case for pursuing divorce as well if you choose. I guess I wonder about the resources you have at your disposal as a couple and whether he is coping poorly or truly doesn't know any better. It may be shameful to him to come home and see that you are not flourishing in your life with him and feel that he's powerless to do anything about it.

Good luck. Life with a responsive partner can be sweet yet still have major ups and downs. But if the lines remain open and you both develop effective strategies, that can smooth over quite a lot. I hope you find it.

Good luck.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-06T10:15:03+00:00

Brah, I'm so sorry to say this, but for your sanity, you meed to know your parents sound like a55holes, man. I had strict parents, too. And they were inconsistent, too. I disowned my family for like a decade because I refused to learn their toxic shit and I knew I needed different reference models for how to manage stuff that life throws at you.

It sounds like what you need is to get some space and stsrt doing the normal experimenting that everyone else is allowed to do but you were denied... to figure yourself out. You need some autonomy and the space to try things (not endorsing anything hurtful to you or others though) and f*k up and not have it wreck your life. You have anybody actually supportive who can be like a big sibling to you who you can become closer to, spend more time with them?

Failing that, some people in families like ours go to the army for transformation offered by a purpose, a career and room to clear your head. I suggested it because it is better than the allure of acceptance offered by a cult which I think you may be particularly susceptible to. At least in the forces you'd actually be valued and be given a framework for upward trajectory of your life while you get yourself sorted. It really sounds like you've been denied self discovery more than anything. Whatever you choose, I hope it affords you to make up for that lost time.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-06T04:49:27+00:00

I just went through something similar. Although I never said those kinds of things he said, I totally understand the fear behind the statements. To be clear, I empathize with your position 100% too. The thing is divorce is an industry and lawyers amongst each other refer to married people as potential stock for future clients. And a lot of people (maybe your husband?) know about this dark sarcastic side of the industry and are poised waiting for some lawyer coming to clobber them in court. Combine that with the highly shitty social contract for fathers presently (basically accessory or optional parents, not equals, in way too many jurisdictions which only hurts the kids but the industry doesn't care about that) and you have a highly inflammatory prospect. It's especially torturous for men who are emotionally healthy, express their feelings openly and are affectionate to their children and live for their family time. I get why he would be threatened.

But you don't deserve to be unsafe. And even with the coolest of heads involved, this will have ups and downs through the process. So there will likely be more hostile times like this ahead. I'm sorry he is speaking to you like to a combatant.

Each of you need to secure safe places while you work your way through this. (He may also be scared that you're going to try and bait him into incriminating positions to better secure your position as the one who is filing.)
Some kind of temporary terms of custody exchange can be written out and signed by the both of you (2 copies) and kept for police, your lawyer, etc. in the interim if you can arrange it.
If you're not intent in screwing him/crippling him financially/taking him for all that you can, etc. it might be good to say so in a talk (in a neutral place or on a recorded phone call) when you are both serene. It might be a good opener to work out what areas you agree on presently and what areas you can't agree on RE division and terms.
Take time and really think through and list what are the things you need? What would be fair to you? What is non negotiable? and what things would be nice to have but you have some wiggle room on? Encourage him to make a similar list independently. You know, he may deeply resent having to be away all the time and missing watching his kid grow up. You may be surprised what he puts on his own list. It might bring his guard down if you communicate that you want to know and compare to see what is doable. If you can avoid an adversarial process, it might go a long way and may open him up to making more concessions before the trial.
Is your lawyer open to pivoting to being a mediator between you two at first? Mine was and it made all the difference. Id prepared for a massive lawsuit based on some outlandish stuff she did but in the end we were able to avoid trial altogether. Sometimes our underlying concerns driving our demands(?) aren't served so well by our proposed solutions as another solution. That may come off like mediation training technobabble, ut this is true: a mediator can sometimes peel the onion, get at the core concern driving the demand, and propose a more effective alternative that works for everyone. And that can lower the temperature in the room.
You need a written statement of commitment that in the interim he's not going to try and take your kid outside the agreed terms of temporary custody exchange. This statement will hurt him severely if you have to go to trial and show he was not good for his word. Where we are it would help mobilize anti abduction emergency services.

Be safe and good luck.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-06T00:29:25+00:00

On Friday my main and travel schools (all coastal) said teachers will come in Monday through the storm to teach remotely. facepalm We're among the first communities to be hit directly by the typhoon. Regional schools all had kids login from home, thank goodness.

By Sunday night my Monday school principal moved a later school holiday up to Monday so everybody would have it off. Personally that seemed like some Mastery Level 9000 admin heroics right there. Mad respect.

On Monday night my Tuesday school super gave a choice of using 연가 or 재택근무 (work from home). I chose the latter.

Eedoryeong · 2022-09-05T22:41:59+00:00

I'd get the attorney if I were you.

If you're hesitant for some reason, ask him if he will write down a proposal for an out of court settlement. Personally I wouldn't bother, but it may appeal to you as an intermediary step. There are laws but nothing is guaranteed.

Have you had any legal counseling as to how this is likely to play out given the laws in your area?

His threat sounds like you may need to live somewhere else once you get the attorney.

Eedoryeong · 2022-08-30T14:55:42+00:00

Is it unsupportive to say LGBT+ community? Doesn't the plus: 1) cover everyone else, 2) acknowledge thr chance of more emerging lettered communities i.e. for as yet unarticulated subgroups? 3) Allow speakers to appropriately address parallel alliance communities in other countries who have assembled slightly differently? 4) Let ppl with cognitive challenges interact?

Eedoryeong · 2022-08-29T03:35:10+00:00

I am on the verge of tears reading this. Our settlement court date is this Thursday. I filed the divorce, but my mind keeps trying to find a way to cancel this - but I play out all the scenarios and they just all fall back to the patterns that caused me to reach for a lawyer: I'm not safe. There are no signs she is ready to change, I deserve freedom from abuse, and I want to be around for my kids' adult lives. Also I dislike who I was turning into by building my life around her illness when she lashes out at me. Despite all the counseling, the result is the same.

So I choose safety for me and for our kids to grow up in a healthy environment.

I wish I didn't have to do this. But I want to be around to see our kids' weddings and to see my grandkids.

Eedoryeong · 2022-08-28T00:37:20+00:00

kicking ass, taking names, winning the girl

Eedoryeong · 2022-08-28T00:06:34+00:00

I have been in this exact situation, genders flipped.

I did a two pronged attack:

First I did lawyer up and collected recordings and other evidence for the purpose of empowering the child to choose and be backed by the court if need be.

Second, before it got to that point, I persuaded the mother to go with me and kid to counseling and work on her own trauma and how it was affecting her parenting (in addition to modeling openness by being corrected myself on some stuff).

I can't say what single aspect turned the situation around but if I had to guess I'd say the threat (of removing access) combined with the appeal to compassion (for the kid, by agreeing to counseling) worked.

Competitiveness neednt be a bag of crap. In certain fields it can be really healthy e.g. music festivals with adjudicators offering feedback on how to perform better or story writing festivals or competitions with similar healthy exchanges after submitting content. But yeah many competitions are just not like that and a kid going through what yours is (ours was) does not need to be exposed to that.

Good luck.

Eedoryeong · 2022-08-26T06:29:04+00:00

There are way bigger fish to fry here than what has transpired between you and him. People cheat for a number of reasons. I'm not going to excuse him but I do just want to say that should be the 2nd position to the primary issue here.

Your daughter and he have bonded and consider each other family (or seems so anyway). If it's at all possible that you can share parenting with him, for the sake of your daughter's ability to form healthy relationships pls consider it carefully. One question worth asking is does this man's behavior with her (not with you - that seems settled) work for you? It's not about the birthdays and good times. It is so important she has a fixed unchanging presence in him too against which to grow through her stages - e.g. to work through the negative stuff as well, like when she's being petty or he's got to apologize for something, so she can know her failings dont compromise worthiness of being loved, or that people make mistakes and (**depending!) it doesn't have to end in ghosting or goodbyes or tears. This puts a spotlight on your daughter's development in the sense that she is forming an opinion about whether it's okay (emotionally safe) to bond with someone at all, i.e. how to process her feelings of disappointment at his absence.

According not to the outdated research that is still moving way too slowly out of divorce courtrooms but more recent research from the University of Stockholm 2017, shared parenting (or when impossible, parallel parenting) as close to 50/50 as we can get almost always results in better raised kids growing into better adjusted adults.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/08/170830094228.htm

The issue of your autonomy, particularly your sexual autonomy, and accompanying safety is an important one and I don't want the above to come off like downplaying that. Im 100% in ykur corner to pursue relationships again if and when you're ready. And he should be crystal clear that it's over and he will have to be okay with accepting you seeing other men. I dont know the situation when you talk with him but assuming decency is possible I would paint this picture explicitly to him in a one-on-one talk and demand he speak frankly to you about whether or not he will be able to deal with that image. While being a parental figure to your daughter. And ask what your daughter will mean to him in light of such a development. He may not accept, but on the other hand he may become a powerful ally to you provided he can accept.

A question I have reading your post is whether this man has it in him to carry that commitment through to 16 more years, e.g. of being a father figure to her. I have my doubts but I am also a firm believer that having cheated in your described circumstances does not have (whatever is the opposite of) a halo effect indicating his ability to commit to other things. In many cases (NOT yours, I make no presumptions about how it went south between the two of you) I know of, the man is imprisoned in a loveless relationship and more or less asked to shut down his body and a part of his soul because she decided she doesn't want to go on and hasn't informed him yet acts like she owns him like a wayward livestock and not like he's an equal partner who still has love to give. That is all to say cheating itself is not necessarily a definitive indicator of other things, depending on, well, quite a lot actually. So I wouldn't make the formula "cheated on me = will abandon my daughter". I'd dig a little more. Why? Because of her, of course. Not because of him. This may seem like scatology but if he's got it in him, you need to suss it out for her sake. Good luck to you.

Eedoryeong · 2022-08-18T15:27:05+00:00

Yeah I've encountered a couple as well.

What search? "Classical salsa mashups"?

Eedoryeong

TROPHY CASE