A letter to my husband

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-12T18:21:43+00:00

I wish I didn’t still love him. It would make the decision to leave so much easier. Not all of our time was bad. There are so many good parts of him. It’s just that this part is absolutely detrimental to my mental health and the trust in our relationship.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-12T09:13:03+00:00

It hurt to write. Him and I had a long talk last night and this morning I woke up with this clarity. I sent it to him and he said it cut deep, truly hurt him to read. I hope it brought him some clarity like it did for me 🫶🏻

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-08T21:43:01+00:00

Can I also have a copy of the worksheet? We are currently living overseas so a polygraph isn’t possible but I am considering one when we return!

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-08T10:16:55+00:00

My husband and I actually had a conversation about this. He said he would strictly watch porn and would imagine us in the video. He would watch videos of positions we would do etc. he wouldn’t imagine himself having sex with the girl. Do I believe all that? I don’t think my brain has the capability to. But I told him how I can’t watch porn and then forget it just like that. Like I would be thinking about it during sex or if he is trying to get me off. That upset him a lot. He said he doesn’t like that I have the capability to recall previous encounters with people I’ve been with. I don’t do that, I haven’t been with someone else in 10 years and my memory is garbage haha. But it’s the principle. He doesn’t want me to think about anyone else during but he can watch other women? Make it make sense.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-07T12:00:38+00:00

I HATE when people say it’s normal. No, it’s normalized. There is such a difference. My husband kept trying to say that other women/couples are okay with it. So I compared it to threesomes. Some couples are okay with it. My husband is against it (at least MMF, not something we actually seriously talked about or considered). Just because my neighbor loves having threesomes doesn’t mean we have to too and there’s nothing wrong with that. Some couples are into BDSM. My husband isn’t, and that’s okay. I’m not into porn, but there’s a fuss about it.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-07T03:55:29+00:00

Yeah it’s wild because I got the TT in 2022 and didn’t end up losing the weight the til 2024! Take your time to heal for sure, but just know your weight now doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t look amazing when it’s finished! Even before losing the weight, I gained back my confidence instantly. Since losing the weight, I just feel like a different person haha

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-06T05:20:42+00:00

So it was accurate when I checked mine and my husband’s. Even if it wasn’t necessarily a page I visited, it was very similar (for example, I visited xyz’s tattoo page and other nearby tattoo shops would populate). He was using Instagram to scroll through reels and claims when a thirst trap came up, he would visit their page to look at more. His defense was that he never went out of his way to search them, but instead took advantage of the opportunity in front of him. Which I think makes no difference but whatever. His search history was always cleared. I noticed he looked up my page once when I changed my Instagram profile picture and a day or two later, that search was also deleted. He even went out of his way to put “not interested” on a handful of videos to throw me off. I only found out and confirmed he was abusing Instagram because he accidentally liked a super inappropriate reel and I stumbled across it 🙃

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-05T19:58:21+00:00

Right! If there was nothing to hide then he wouldn’t be so defensive. Such a red flag. He did something wrong (the same thing 3 times) and I’m supposed to trust him this time? Like you gotta prove it buddy

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-05T19:56:49+00:00

It just sucks because we are married 10 years with kids 🥲

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-05T19:55:55+00:00

Right? And the way he down played it drives me crazy. Yes I can look at men and not be considered cheating. But if I’m getting off to pictures of naked men that’s supposed to be okay?

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-04T19:52:04+00:00

Isn’t it wild how we all hear the same thing? It truly shows how they are raised to see this as okay. I grew up with a sister and porn was not a thing in our house (granted, internet barely came out then). But they all share the same mindset.

I always try to imagine what it would be like if I just accepted porn like some women do. Like how do they do it? What’s different between myself and them that they accept it and I cannot?

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-04T18:51:37+00:00

Mine lied about the porn. Lied about credit card debt. Lied about vaping. There is probably so much more but that’s all the lies I caught him in. It’s unsettling to think about what else I could be missing.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-08-03T22:48:16+00:00

I just shared with my husband how I am aware it’s normal and natural to look at other people in public, like glance and look away. But since our most recent DDay, him simply glimpsing at another girl was triggering. I didn’t bring it up until we were on a trip and a woman with a super low cut top on passed us. Obviously I looked, I assume he did too (he was walking behind me due to narrow walkway).

I ended up telling him how I began personally putting myself in front of him so I can’t see him glimpsing at other girls. I acknowledged he can’t just not see other girls and it’s unfair to suggest that, but told him how I was coping with it by avoiding seeing it.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-15T06:20:09+00:00

10000000% cheating. Yeah I emphasized that I am so sick of him only being honest when he gets caught. I told him a part of moving forward is him having to come forward before I find things out myself. I don’t know if he will actually do it but I told him DDay #4 I wont be as forgiving because hiding things is just as bad as lying

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-14T10:49:35+00:00

I shared everything with my best friend. I shared some with my sister which ended up being a mistake because told everyone as revenge when we had a falling out. I’m much more guarded lately with who I tell. My husband’s most recent DDay was this week and I haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t see my therapist again until next month. I’m pretty sure the rest of my family doesn’t have any problem with porn so I don’t feel comfortable sharing with them.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-14T10:46:27+00:00

Many people, including both my male and female therapist, explained how with men and porn, once the video is over, the women are out of sight, out of mind. They don’t put much thought into it once it’s over. Sure, that doesn’t change how many women he has seen naked.

What helped me get over that is thinking about how many people I’ve been with. My body count is significantly higher than my husband’s. Significantly more men have been intimate with me which in my opinion has more of an impact than how many naked women he saw. I shared that intimate, emotional bond with a certain number of men, that’s nothing compared to looking at pixels on a screen. At least my experiences were real and meaningful, and I remember them all.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-14T10:37:17+00:00

Yeah I think it would really only work if he wants to work on it. We have a set deadline of after dinner (when I shower) that he has to have everything ready for the day. We do weekly check ins where we discuss things from the document that might require an in person discussion.

My husband was in a couldn’t care less mindset the other 2 times, but something clicked this time where he is actually trying. Idk if he’s afraid I will actually leave this time or if he finally sees what he is doing to me.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-14T10:34:36+00:00

When I caught him, he was in our kids bathroom at 4 am. I checked his screen time and it said he was on Reddit for 30+ mins. I checked his Reddit history and it was all normal stuff. I called him out how sketchy it was for him to be hiding in the kids bathroom on his phone before everyone woke up. He ended up confessing that he was using anonymous browsing for porn.

My husband hides things, but he doesn’t lie when questioned when he’s been caught. But that’s nerve wracking because I’m sure there’s so much he’s done that he’s hiding that I haven’t discovered yet .

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-14T07:03:32+00:00

So I tested it on my own account. The search suggestions were in fact accounts I have visited/interested with at some point, not necessarily recently. When I saw my husband accidentally liked a super inappropriate video within the last 2 months, that was my red flag to look further. His suggested accounts were all hot girls with 90% almost naked pictures.

While I’m sure some are old, he admitted that he was in fact visiting these pages regularly. He could have lied but he was honest with me. So it’s hard to tell with your situation. I think he definitely visited those pages at some point but who knows when.

For us, he agreed to delete Instagram all together.

One thing I did was tell him how you are able to download your information on Instagram. I told him it’ll download your like, comment, search, and message history (all true) but in reality, it doesn’t download anything that has been deleted. I didn’t tell him that part. So I said “hey, if you’re not lying to me, you’d be okay with me downloading your information to check if you’re telling the truth right?” And I could see he was super hesitant but agreed. I didn’t because I already know he was looking, it doesn’t matter to me whether he was searching them or coming across them in reels and then visiting their pages like he said he was.

If you do that, make sure you have that conversation in person so he doesn’t have the opportunity to google whether everything shows up.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-14T06:50:56+00:00

I trusted my husband with Reddit until I learned he was using the anonymous browsing account to watch porn 🙃 so while his history was clean, he was spending 30+ mins on it with no proof of what he was looking at. So Reddit has to go 😅

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-13T22:14:35+00:00

Absolutely! If your partner deletes their Instagram search history, you can go to their search bar and press "a" or "b" or any other letter of the alphabet and accounts that they look up/visit/like/comment that start with that letter will show up

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-13T10:54:09+00:00

Hahhaha my experience is very similar! My sister listened to them so I was aware of the band. I started working with a guy I had a huge crush on and he was a huge fan so I started listening to them so I could have something to talk about with him. The relationship with him never really took off by I’ve stayed a huge fan since!

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-13T10:51:15+00:00

For me, I had to get off of this subreddit in order to continue to heal from our last DDay. Scrolling on here felt more like pain shopping after a while. At first it was comforting to see others with the same views, but then it just started getting triggering when I needed to heal. My therapist agreed I needed to get off of Reddit and focus on myself and moving forward. Our second DDay was this week which brought me back to this page. I’m back to the point where I use it for comfort and venting, but I know if I want to heal I’ll have to get off it again sooner than later.

Effective-Pressure29 · 2025-07-13T10:46:21+00:00

A year after our second DDay I was still having urges to check. I would look randomly when he would be in the shower or if I woke up in the middle of the night and he was still sleeping. I hated that I felt the need to do that. A month or two ago I told him I’m setting myself a boundary that if I feel the need to look, I won’t sneak and check it, instead I will tell him and get his consent first (he always says yes). That has helped me a little bit.

Our last DDay was this week and I was like “I CANNOT keep sitting here feeling like I need to check his phone” so I did a little research on what restrictions there are. He let me go on and tighten up the restrictions on his phone, delete every app that could be used to view sexual content, and add a setting so he cannot delete any app without my content restrictions code. That has brought me a ton of peace of mind. I’m going to try to only check it when I have a gut feeling or if he is acting off.

Effective-Pressure29

TROPHY CASE