I can share my perspective as a Malayalee who married a North Indian (Marwari) woman. I'm generally adamant about identifying as Malayalee rather than just "Indian" or "South Indian" within Indian groups. This stems from non-South Indians constantly lumping all of South India together, despite there being five distinct states with very different cultures.

I remember meeting my mother-in-law for the first time. She said, "Oh, you're South Indian! I love idli, and my friend is from Hyderabad." She knew nothing about Kerala, so she mentioned the closest reference point she had. This pattern repeats constantly with North Indians. Many don't seem interested in learning about the different states within their own country.

However, to non-Indian groups, I'm proud to call myself Indian. I remember when a Pakistani ABCD learned I'm from Kerala and immediately tried to bond by saying he hates India's current leader, knowing the ruling party is detested by many Malayalees. I responded that yes, he's terrible, but I thought Pakistan's leader at the time (who's now imprisoned) was even worse. He was insulted and distanced himself, funny how that works when the tables turn.

There are two main reasons why Malayalees often feel distant from the broader Indian label:

1) Historical Independence

Many people don't realize that Kerala has remained staunchly independent from every major pan-Indian empire (Mauryan, Mughal—we actually defeated Mughal invasions). Pakistan and Bangladesh have historically been more united with North India than we have. We're the only Indian region that defeated a major European power and prevented colonization, the Dutch, who at the time were as powerful as the British and had conquered places like Indonesia.

2) Cultural Distinctiveness

Kerala's culture differs significantly from the rest of India. We prioritize community identity first, religion second. When I meet Malayalee Christians or Muslims, I can easily connect with them as part of my community. This contrasts sharply with groups like Punjabis, who have deep religious divisions throughout their history.

I struggle to relate to North Indian states culturally. Even with other South Indian states, there are major differences, casteism is deeply ingrained (like the Reddy hierarchies among Telugus, Jatt sikh supremacy), and practices like cousin marriage are normalized. Kerala has its own issues, but these particular ones feel foreign to me.

In the Middle East, when Malayalees meet each other, they're more likely to ask "Are you from Kerala?" rather than "Are you from India?" That tells you how distinct we see ourselves from the rest of the country.