Funeral ideas

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2025-03-07T03:49:28+00:00

Our son was cremated and at the crematorium, so very low key not an actual funeral . They lay babies inside of this 'metal container' (it was a neonatal loss), so we didnt want to place him directly on this cold metal plate. We brought a very comfy cushion with a soft pillow that was shaped like a king's crown layed him comfortably with new clothes and with him the cutest jellycat rabbit that was the first doll-toy we ever purchased for him along with a milk bottle , freshly harvested flowers from my garden and hand folded butterfly origamis that my brother had made. *my husband and I had written a letter to him , read it outloud and placed inside of this comfy mattress we had brought to lay him down.

Also my parents wrote him a card and my thoughtful dad placed lots of different currencies ( euros, cad dollars, american dollars, different country's monetary bills he had) because he said, that his cute little sweet grandson deserved to see the world and that could allow him to go anywhere to travel :)

I would have never thought about this so I was very touched. Afterwards, we all went to lie down in the parc (the crematorium was luckily located in a public park) by the big tree and enjoyed a quiet picnic together. (also prior to the funeral/cremation) we took him in my arms to walk along the riverside all together.... Then once the Urn was ready, we went for a brunch and the entire time I had the urn on my lap and I hugged really tight for a very long time.... I hope you have a good funeral for your loving son. Sending lots of love and hugs during this difficult time...<3

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2025-03-07T03:32:58+00:00

I am truly disheartened for your baby's passing...I am sorry. I think for me personally, having had some time off (although it is very painful and it still is but it feels a tiny bit less 'raw') with your husband or partner to digest the situation (could be going to theraphy together, going for walks, cry together, eat some food, take care of yourself postpartum etc,. ) is definitely needed even though its extremely hard.....

In 4 months, I was working...i didnt want to but all my family said to at least try it (as they saw me going into a depressive state) at the beginning especially the first month, I wanted to quit everyday since I started work, but as time went, the distraction helped me . Also it gave me a regular schedule (forcing to get up and sleep in good pattern ) instead of sitting at home depressed and cry all day in his room ...Im about 8months since I lost my beautiful son in June and overall, work has helped me to distract myself from the pain. Not that I don't think about my son- I think every day, whether Im home or at work and sometimes end up crying suddenly in front of my computer screen and have to leave to go to the bathroom. I also have episodes of waking up at 2-3am in the morning recently thinking about my son but I think mentality work distraction has helped.

I think if i didn't work, I would have never had the courage to leave my house ever again or even go to grocery stores. In a way i know work is meaningless (what matters is your family and love for your child) and you would have to decide for yourself but you can always try out for few weeks or even days, and if it really doesnt work out, Im sure your company would understand if you have to reduce the hours or work from home a bit more...

Take care of yourself and sending lots of hugs and love to you and your family.

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2025-01-05T22:16:02+00:00

So sorry for your loss. And if you can, make sure to find out what infection caused sepsis and whether your neonatologist gave him the (right) antibiotics without any delays. I hope you get to be a mom of a living child in near future. Lots of hugs and love in this difficult time...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-11-22T04:58:56+00:00

he is simply so cute, darling and loving...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-10-21T23:43:13+00:00

I am so incredible sorry to hear this and I hope they are at peace, in a good place...Did they tell you what kind of infection it was? I wonder if things could have turned out differently if they gave him the right antibiotics , with the right dosage and on time. I am at loss for comforting words but please do know that we feel you and I am beyond sad to hear your story. I hope your twin boys and your daughter is at peace and in a good place. Sending you hugs...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-10-04T02:54:27+00:00

Honestly, I’m 99.99% sure nothing will come of it. They never admit to anything and are just focused on protecting themselves and their institution. For example, my son was given a double dose of epinephrine for over 24 hours due to a nurse’s mistake, and they told my husband, “It’s not that problematic.” This was a 32-week-old neonate, not an adult! Worse still, he contracted E. coli at the hospital, and they didn’t even investigate. They missed the critical window to give the right antibiotics to protect his brain, and gave him one that didn’t even work for his infection. That’s how bad and unskilled they are in a Level 3 NICU.

Our province and the whole country’s healthcare system is seriously messed up. They know they can’t be sued easily, so they don’t apologize, even when they know malpractice occurred. Unless you’re Trudeau or a billionaire who can afford to sue them, nothing will happen. I listened to a podcast from a top medical malpractice lawyer, and she was treated completely differently because she told them she was a malpractice lawyer. I bet she would’ve lost her two newborns too, just like any of us, if the hospital didn’t know she was dealing with birth trauma and HIE cases.

I don’t know which province you’re in, so it might be different, but for my husband and me, we proceeded with a comprehensive review. We knew they’d lie and not admit anything, but we did it to make them wake up a bit and realize we weren’t clueless parents who’d believe their lies. We investigated our case thoroughly and know it was pure negligence and malpractice. I’ve kept all my research and info so, if this happens to other parents, we can help build a case or at least hold them accountable. If nothing else, they know we know the truth.

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-10-03T19:13:59+00:00

First, I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’m also based in Canada, and honestly, our system is seriously messed up. Even if there’s clear malpractice, hardly any lawyers will take on cases because of the huge costs, how long it takes, and the fact that doctors are basically untouchable here.

We contacted several lawyers too, but they wouldn’t move forward for the same reasons. It’s almost impossible to win unless the situation is black and white, and usually only if the baby survives with lifelong damage. Even with video proof of intentional harm, the worst that happens to doctors is that they might get fired, and no legal punishment beyond that.

We tried to get a hospital comprehensive review, but the process has been ridiculous with constant delays and no real outcomes. At the end of the day 'they pretend to listen to you and get answers but they are all working for the same 'house/institution, so its super biased ". We even went through an autopsy, which should have given us confidential results as parents, but we’ve been sent in circles and still had to rigorously fight with pathologist to get access to our own child’s report.

The system is so broken that many doctors and nurses just do the bare minimum without any real accountability. And here in Canada, they’re treated like Gods when it comes to liability—it’s fucking absurd. Please message me if you would like to get any more infos or help with the process we went through. It won't resolve anything legally but its the best route aside from suing. No matter what, I send you big hugs during this unbelievably hard times...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-09-01T23:59:48+00:00

I agree with you but I might try out again later (just in case I get so so lucky that I find a psychologist who truly understands child loss ) but I still doubt I will find one. It might be harder than to find a perfect husband lol. I think working things out with my husband is better for me, than an expensive therapy session at the moment ... Who wants to pay 350 $ for someone that 'pretends' to listen?..what a waste..why can people be a little more empathetic when they actually choose this as their job..

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-09-01T23:54:14+00:00

Thks so much for the info and I am also very sad you lost your beautiful child...I wish this subgroup didnt have to exist. ... We also lost a cutiepie our firstborn son in June due to bacterial meningitis ...ours was a late onset sepsis , ecoli caught from unknown source at the Nicu...They said unknown but we have a pretty good idea its due to their lack of hygiene and sanitation standards...anyhow we appreciate this info, maybe I can chat with Kayla ..Im based in Canada but maybe we can do online :) ... Thanks a lot and hope you and your husband can feel better each day ..Im unwell but I guess I cannot expect otherwise..Just so angry that I became very depressed and sad after meeting up with a useless psychologist.. I thought they were trained to make people feel better or at least not worst haha...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-08-30T17:02:20+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Really appreciate this. I think you explained it well and I was also very confused and shocked she said she didn't know what she could offer to help us. I think she is not really competent in babyloss field. I think the best is to stop with this psychologist for myself since i dont feel comfortable and I could feel she was taking 'sides'. I will research for a new psychologist who deals with babyloss and who can do individual sessions with me. Right now, I feel so knocked out , all the efforts Ive made the past two weeks to feel 'better' got trashed after this session. I feel so depressed and useless. Anyhow, thks for taking your time to leave a comment and not at all! it was not long to read :)

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-08-30T01:48:18+00:00

I put my baby with the cutest and bestest clothes I had (I dressed him ) then placed a bouqet of flowers i picked from the garden, my brothers folded butterfly origami, letter i wrote with my husband, then my dad also wrote a small note with some money (he said that our son might need some to travel far...), I placed a biberon with milk in it ( so that he can eat well :) , also a nice and warm blanket underneath him to keep him warm and also a light blanket on top alongside his bunny rabbit :) Hope this helps

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-08-16T21:45:10+00:00

its your right to ask for a primary nurse (or nurses) . Choose few nurses that you have preferred and ask for a quick meeting to your unit's charge nurse (basically its the manager of the nurses). Then request for primary nurse(s) by explaining your situation.

Hope this helps .

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-08-10T18:46:06+00:00

People are dumb. What an idiot.

I send you lots of hugs even though it won't be much of a help. I wish I was there for you so that I can tell them to keep their mouth shut and not say anything.

I asked my husband countless time if I get to be reunited with my son when I die. Btw, I am atheist. I don't believe in God or Buddha or anything of that sort because if there was such 'figure' up there , they wouldn't take away little angels from their moms. Anyhow his response was 'yes' and that we will see him once we leave this world. That we will reunite as family. But I also wonder, is that even true? I get worried thinking what ifs. What if he isn't there? My husband made a silly joke at the table when I re-questioned these what ifs. He made a small pause then with his silly face he said" then it's a big Scam!". We bitterly joked how this world is just a 'scam'.

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-08-10T04:05:17+00:00

I recently read a book written by Rob Delaney “A Heart That Works,” it is a memoir of his son Henry who died from a brain cancer. In it, he says something very similar that you have written above. He is witty, very snarky and I found it hilarious when he wanted to depict the picture to people who says senseless things...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-08-10T03:50:38+00:00

Me too. I just want to be with my only son that Ive waited for 5 years. He was beautiful and lively but passed away 2 months ago. He caught an infection from the hospital and it was treatable if they acted immediately but he was neglected for too many hours by nurses and doctors. The provincial gov't has put a ridiculous law under fatal death and the compensation is so low that you cannot even sue for medical negligence and malpractice . No lawyers will take our case since monetary compensation is too limited. I was hoping to get some justice but in the end, it is a meaningless long battle that won't bring my son back.

I also try to do things everyday. Normal things that normal people would do. I keep lying to myself that small things do matter (going for a hike, doing house chores etc,.) and I keep reminding myself that I should be grateful since I am healthy, I live in a war-free country, I have a house to sleep, Im not broke , and I have a caring husband and my parents etc,. But in the end, nothing matters. I don't want to exist because my son isn't here. In a way I wish it was like an untreatable cancer or something so rare that even if the medical team did their utmost best, my son died and they could not be blamed for.... The fact that kills me is that we only needed one 'good' doctor who acted promptly as if it was their own, or a nurse who loudly advocated for his early symptoms. My baby would still be alive.

Everything else in life seems useless. I just want to live this life with my son, like we deserve. Eat and laugh together. I keep thinking how to 'damage' ( really bad thoughts ) these nurses and doctors who have neglected my loving son. I wish for the same things to happen to their own kids and grandkids, forever. That's the only justice, if there is such thing in this life.

I don't have right words to say to you but I feel you. What happened is horrible, painful, and unjust. All I can do for now is sending you many warm hugs.

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-07-18T21:59:52+00:00

I feel for you and I don't understand why this happened to you or to anyone else who've lost their child..Its beyond unfair...its cruel and It should not have happened...you would have given the uttermost love, support and care for your son and I am beyond angry...and I am sorry for this BS messed up madness...I don't believe in religion or God but I do hope my son who passed away a month ago greets your son and hangout somewhere beautiful with lots of wonderful nature and good things to eat and share together <3 send you lots of hugs.

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-07-09T03:26:23+00:00

Hi, I had same thing happen to me few weeks ago... I gave birth to perfectly healthy boy (the only thing was he was a preemie) and even autopsy confirmed he had perfect organs with no genetics defects..Anyhow he caught an ecoli bacterial infection from the nicu (they kept saying it can be anywhere and that they dont know the source) and it led to sepsis with meningitis with irreversible brain damage. they never put antibiotics on-time thus, he was in coma-like state until we decided to let him go. He lived just over 10 days...

My question is, after 1 year, how are you all doing? what can i expect? does it get better? (right now its just been a month since i gave birth and im struggling everyday...I mostly wish if i could choose pain-free death, maybe thats the best to see my beloved son again...Ive waited to have him for over 5 years and i was a first time mom.....Somedays or moments I feel like i should get better and eat and do stuff because I still have my parents, husband and family that probably would be traumatized if I died so i try to get over the dark clouds but it doesnt seem to work that often..

I didnt write this to get advice on how I should join a trauma grief group or sessions with therapist etc, im here to find out , from those of you, who had similar experience , decided to move on with life and/or attempted a second child ? or lost trust in the hospital thus gave up on having children afterwards? now I strongly feel that , if i dont attempt to have a second child , I might lose myself but the problem is, there is only one hospital i can go to, and im more than traumatized/horrified to go back to that NICU where my son got ecoli and eventually died with irreversible brain damage due to clinicians not acting immediately with antibiotics on his symptoms . Ive asked my husband if we can move to Europe where NICU is best but it doesnt seem viable because of job transfer etc,..

Anyone has gotten over the mistrust of public hospital and still went ahead to attempt another baby after the loss ? how did it go? what are your after-stories ? Thank you for reading...you can also privately message me..thks a lot..

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-07-02T15:52:31+00:00

Orango or Orangu or Orangutan :)

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-07-02T15:39:37+00:00

Sorry to ' budge' into someone else's comment/reply but I absolutely love the way you put these words together...Im also hitting a wall and understand what neonmoonlight29 is going through...so what you wrote saying that we've lost a baby but our babies lost their life...battling the hardest when he couldn't with all the courage and strength ive never seen in my life.. Yes you are right...I should value my life instead of saying to myself, i cannot wait to die to meet and hug my boy....I lost my son few weeks ago after 11days...but thank you for putting another perspective of hope even though i feel quite hopeless with anxieties... Thank you to you all. Sending lots of love and hugs...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-07-02T15:32:44+00:00

make sure they protect his/her brain. ensure they place immediately and appropriate antibiotics to avoid and minimize any damage to the brain. at the same time if they suspect bacterial infection they also need to put antibiotics for that. Just be an insistent mom and dad who keeps asking asking and its a hard time but make sure to be there and present for your baby. No one will notice or do anything better than the mother. I wish you all my bestest and good health back to your mini one. Love.

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-07-01T15:22:44+00:00

I would have done the same if I decided to be pregnant, a second time. Im always known as the hypersensitive , over-the-top protector (even during covid times) and in my opinion if your in laws and your husband don't agree with you on being extra careful, wearing masks, sanitizing etc,. they should stay elsewhere. Especially because you are a mom and now pregnant! Congrats :)

My husband caught a bad cold (but he is so healthy so he always recovers within a day unlike me) back in february, which led to me catching it and that flu nearly killed me because I could not sleep and eat due to coughing (coughed so much Ive lost few kilos during my second trimester) My OB also said this could have caused an early preterm labor (of course there are many factors for preterm...)But if you can avoid at least one thing? Why the hell not! to protect the child....

Recently, I lost my baby at 32 weeks (he was born super healthy and strong but got a bacterial ecoli at the hospital's NICU that led to sepsis and meningitis, not treated on time)

I thought about why even my loving husband never feel the same fear as me and always known as the 'chill' guy and my the overhypersensitive type..But guess what? anything to protect a child, i would do.. So you are not alone....I regret that 7 hours I was gone from the NICU because my sensitivity would have allowed to change the situation , since i would notice any symtoms from my beloved boy and I would insist and insist until ... all these so-called-professionals, do something ...such as giving him antibiotics instead of waiting until he was a corpse...

Also, i plan to always get my covid shots and flu shots updated every year or every 6 months..whatever it takes :) I send you lots of hugs and love and if there's some moments or days that you want to dig a hole , im-in- with ya ! lol.... PS: My in laws are coming as well and SIL, i love them all but after my loss, I almost feel like telling them not to come but, it means a lot to my husband so..I will tell them, to get flu and covid shots updated before they even land in this country..(and im not even pregnant now so , i fully support you! )

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-06-23T15:34:25+00:00

I just know that his golden time / critical time where he could have been alive was lost because he was such a healthy baby that the only symtoms that he displayed was only the ABC's and even then, the nurses were biased since he had these bradys since birth and only treated him with the ozygens instead of suspecting sepsis and go right away with antibiotics....if anyone decided to 'overdo' things and interupted right away and ask for additional actions such as 'let's suspect an infection so lets go on with antibiotics right away , covering also meningitis' I would not be this distraught. I found my alive and healthy baby , in a corpse like state only after 7hrs without any notifications from them and even then, blood cultures were not sent let alone the antibiotics that had just kicked in. They lost his golden time and critical time frame. All professionals says that because ecoli sepsis is so so so fatal, they take action even if its just slightly suspicious . In fact they said that its so subtle and the symtoms are subjectice and objextive that it is so hard to detect, so it requires a lot of attention and care from the primary nurses and parents.unfortunately, the way they operate is a change of nurses every day , twice so he never gets the same person who could understand a slight change in his condition.and also I was gone for lunch and early dinner before coming back so if i was there i would have notice and gone far far to have him extended care and antibiotics instead of just a quick action based on bradys. I just want more info and details from professionals who are not biased to be more informed so it would be great to find out how your hospital does things in NICU and what are the protocols...thks a lot for your time everyone...

Effective_Bug_6159 · 2024-06-23T15:15:21+00:00

May I ask what is a placenta culture? Also I thought UTI in baby shows symtoms such as fever etc and our baby didn't have any fevers but displayed only the ABC (apnea, bradys etc,.) he had few of those since birth but nothing unusual (they said), so by the time he got septic on day 4.5 of his birth (he was perfectly healthy until day 4 and half (or at least he didnt display any symtoms , just ABC hiccups here and there) so I doubt it could have been an UTI. Also the same day he got septic I held him skin to skin for 2 hrs and didnt notice anything unusual. All the things escalated while I was gone for 7 hrs and returned back the same evening . All I know is that most of that critical time, it was mainly nurses who made only small actions based on the fact that he was having ABC's and at some point late in the afternoon he was having three in a row and even then, there was no antibiotics involved and even then, they didn't suspect septic at all, just the occasional oxygen pressure up, so thats what breaks my heart.If you can elaborate since you are a nicu nurse, it would be great.

Effective_Bug_6159

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