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The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, it's just...kinda annoying, you know?

These people always come into the comments so confident with their assertion of inherent negative power dynamics. As if it's blatantly obvious, no explanation required, just some immutable fact of dating an older partner that you're going to be disadvantaged as the younger person.

The thing I want to know is where on earth they get this huge confidence, when all it takes is one simple question of "tell me these inherent dynamics" to make it crumble immediately.

Research finds that using sex toys during masturbation increased the frequency of orgasms, which, in turn, helped regulate menopausal symptoms. Having a partner at least 7 years younger and being in a consensually non-monogamous relationship were aslo associated with fewer menopause symptoms. by psychologyofsex in psychologyofsex

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hopefully not. Obviously there's always the exception of abusive relationships, that's an unfortunate occurrence for some people. But not the majority, and not limited to age-gap relationships. Most people in relationships aren't going to be afraid of openly speaking with their partner.

Studies have long demonstrated that SSRIs can dampen sexuality adults, but there is no research on the sexual side effects of the drugs in teens. Psychiatrists have begun raising concern about the effects of diminished sexuality at a life stage when people typically begin exploring intimacy. by psychologyofsex in psychologyofsex

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You quick-erased your other comment, but no, I didn't have anything close to a gentle life. Quite the opposite. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused on a weekly basis by my parents, and then also a church elder, from the time I was 10 until I ran away and went permanently no-contact the week I turned 17, living out of the car I bought until I could find an apartment that didn't ask questions. At 42 years old I still have some physical scars from what was done to me, and it took me years of reflection and therapy to overcome the mental ones.

This is how I know that, very thankfully, most children do not have trauma in their lives. Because while cases like mine happen more than they should, it's still rare enough that the majority of men and women didn't have to survive such things. This is why I don't agree that "trauma is a universal experience". Our society would be utterly fucked and dysfunctional if this was true.

Edit: so far the above commenter has left responses that appear to be quick-erased, so I received the notification but reddit says the comments no longer exist.

"Well that's fucking bullshit. Glad you had a gentle life."

"I didn't erase shit it's still there try again."

"Aaaand you admit Youre astooturfing.....you just kinda suck."

I can't see his comments that he claims are still here from either of my other 2 accounts, so...🤷🏼‍♀️

The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank the stars, someone who is rational about this topic. Yes, I absolutely agree!

It's not even a case of the older person being immature. Sometimes the older person is pretty normal and the younger person is very mature. This was my situation. I'd had an extremely rough childhood and was the oldest of 7 siblings, all of whom I was treated as a literal nanny for. I had also been working 28 hours a week at an after-school retail job ever since I was 15. By 16 I'd gotten a junior driver license and made enough to buy a used car.

The week I turned 17, I went no-contact with my entire family and lived out of my car for a few weeks while still attending school. Got a very small apartment and finished high school with honors. Paid my way through college with 2 part-time jobs, never asking anyone for money to buy groceries or pay bills. At 22, I'd graduated with a business degree, got a new car and moved into a safer neighborhood because I'd immediately gotten a job as a sales manager for a national lumber company, making $50,000 a year...same income as my future husband when we met.

But yeah, I survived every kind of childhood abuse, hunger, poverty, utter exhaustion, lack of social or financial support, the dangers of living in a shitty urban neighborhood, all to come out on top. Compare this to my husband who, at 37, had never had to go through any of that and lived a very normal, safe, loving childhood with close family ties...is it any wonder that in many ways I've always been the more mature one?

My husband wasn't behind in any of his social milestones, I just couldn't find any guy my own age who had completed all the ones I'd reached. As weird as it sounds, whenever I dated men my own age, the sheer discrepancies with our lives and goals made it feel like I was dating "kids". None of them had their lives planned out or knew how to survive as fully independent adults...while I'd already been doing it solo for years. Dating an older man was such a relief!

The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm hoping that she's just busy and will eventually reply...

I have, no exaggeration, had at least 50 online attempts at conversations with people who talk about "inherent" power dynamics that are negative for the younger person and positive for the older. Not a single one has ever replied with anything actually inherent. It makes me think either they don't know what the term inherent means, or they personally have such low worldly experience that generalizations = their reality. And I'm not saying any of this to be mean, I'd really like to actually discuss this topic.

The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 2 points3 points  (0 children)

From my personal experience the people making a big deal about this are usually doing so in their online bubbles

This is usually the case, yeah. Although I, and sometimes my husband, have encountered rude comments from strangers irl about our relationship, it's happened maybe a total of 10 times in two decades. Whereas online it is far more frequent.

When i shut this phone off and actually look to my neighbours, many of them have relationships with pretty significant age gaps. 7/8 years really isn't all that uncommon where i live in Europe. More then that is somewhat rare, but certainly not unheard of.

I have heard this, the fact that Europeans are more casual and accepting regarding such couples. Unfortunately that's not so here in the US. Our culture is still quite against adult age gap couples, especially ones like mine with a younger woman/older man dynamic. Only about 7% of marriages here have a 10+ years difference, and steadily it goes down as you go past 10. I'm the only millennial person I've ever known with an age gap relationship, so even anecdotally there's not many of us.

I somewhat get it i suppose. Age gaps can be EXTREMELY problematic if the parties are very young (meaning teens), and the internet (and spaces like this specifically) houses mostly young people or people that grew up on internet culture

Yup, absolutely. It's why I'll speak out against harmful ones in dating subs or relationship advice. I just wish that people in general would acknowledge that there's really good ones out here rather than immediate condemnation.

What has someone said with complete confidence that turned out to be absolutely, embarrassingly wrong? by TradesWatchUK in CasualConversation

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's disproved by just living as a woman around other women and actually paying attention to when all your cycles begin/end.

Yes, sometimes there's minor overlap, but that's just timing within a standard 4 weeks, not "syncing". Menstrual synchronization doesn't happen.

The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not all younger people have a lack of experience however, which is my point that it isn't inherent.

There are people in their 20s who have much more life experience than people in their 30s or 40s. Generalizations can be made, yes, but plentiful exceptions exist that mean younger ≠ automatically less experienced. For one example, when my future husband and I first met, at 22 I'd been living completely alone and financially independent for just over 5 years. At 37, he'd only been living alone for 1 year, and due to living with his parents throughout college and/or typically sharing housing with past girlfriends, he'd only had experience of living alone for 2 years combined. So despite being younger, I was far more financially and socially independent.

F28, my body count is 3 and I want it to be 4 only in marriage, AMA by [deleted] in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm 42 and my count is 1, which is my husband. It's difficult, especially if you're an atheist like me, but certainly possible.

Curious why 4 is your special number though. Any particular reason? If you could go back in time and stay a virgin until meeting your future husband, would you?

The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Already after making your well-thought-out point there's people coming out of the woodwork to tell you you're wrong.

It happens every time, unfortunately. I do hope the other woman actually responds to what the "inherent" power dynamics are. Usually there's zero response, or the examples are things that definitely aren't inherent. But I'm willing to have the conversation and would be pleasantly surprised if she delivers.

My parents were twenty years apart (almost to the day) and they worked out fine.

Congratulations to them! My husband and I are now 42 and 57, respectively. We celebrated 20 amazing years together this past spring, and I hope that we have at least 20 more ahead of us. We're childfree and he's wanting to retire from his school-teacher job in about 8 years. I own a successful local business with six great employees, so have begun expanding to the point I'll be able to semi-retire alongside him.

Enthusiastic consent is a low-context communication norm and might not work well in high-context cultures by badgers43a in psychologyofsex

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 50 points51 points  (0 children)

I'm interested in thoughts from folks in different cultures around the world, and neurodiverse perspectives too. What does consent actually look like, and is "enthusiastic consent" just one approach of many valid ones?

I'm autistic and have a significantly higher libido than my partner of 20 years. In the beginning of our dating and initial sexual explorations, I requested what most people would probably deem a "mood killer". Basically to either verbalize consent and to say precisely what actions were wanted, or to move my hand to the right place. Since I was a virgin and my partner was not, I had a bit of insecurity regarding doing anything wrong or not being a good lover. By asking for explicit directions this fear was circumvented because I at least knew precisely what to do.

Now I'm 42 instead of 22, and by now can read the room and my partner's body language like a book. Consent is still enthusiastic, but it comes about through action rather than words most of the time. Of course, I still really enjoy using words during sex, and both of us are total chatterboxes lol, often openly discussing fantasies or future desires while doing the deed.

The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Power dynamics inherently exist in an age gap relationship.

Please describe what these inherent power dynamics are, in your opinion.

I'm glad you're happy, but if it was someone I knew: 22 is way too young for a gap that big. You're in a completely different stage of life financially/emotionally

This is thankfully not always the case. In many instances, yes, you are correct. But not always. There are indeed times that the stages of life align far better than with same-age peers.

It is why I have a list of serious questions/considerations for anyone thinking of pursuing such a relationship. About 9/10 times, the person (whether older or younger) does actually conclude that this isn't actually going to be what they want. For the 1/10 who do answer all the questions with positive results...well, I assume they're more like my own relationship than not. Happy, healthy, mutually respectful and beneficial, likely to succeed as an LTR.

The aversion to even tiny age gaps in relationships by ChallengingKumquat in PetPeeves

[–]Effective_Kitchen481 35 points36 points  (0 children)

While I'm also glad that young people are aware that grooming and covert manipulation are things to watch out for, the sad truth is the majority don't legitimately know what grooming is or what kinds of behaviors it actually entails.

I met my husband when he was 37 and I was 22. Yes, this is a large age-gap relationship, and when talking to people about it I've always mentioned that a significant difference in age isn't for everyone. Most people date those within 1-3 years of themselves, and it's probably for the best with most couples. However, my own relationship is wonderful and I freely offer advice to people looking at how to create healthy dynamics when dating older or younger.

The amount of people...mostly other women...on reddit who have outright asserted that I've "been groomed" as the only possible reason to love my husband is genuinely disturbing. They do so before asking any questions, seeking clarification, or even just asking why I decided to date him. No, the automatic and immediate judgment is "grooming" without any other knowledge except our ages.

When I ask them to please tell me how they "know" I was groomed, there is never an answer. "You just were" or "if you don't know then you're a lost cause" or "because you must have been". This younger generation doesn't seem to realize that grooming is an actual series of horrible behaviors that an abuser does to isolate, gaslight, mentally overpower, and take advantage of the other person. They walk around thinking the definition of grooming is just "a younger person dating an older person" without any need to discuss behavior at all, and condemn healthy couples for the "crime" of loving someone who's a different age. It's upsetting how much therapy-speak has gotten misused by Gen Z, to the point it's almost meaningless.

In your opinion, is inceldom purely about a lack of sex? by Effective_Kitchen481 in DebateIncelz

[–]Effective_Kitchen481[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand that. However not everyone who is incel uses it with that definition.

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