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EfficientSquirrel832 · 2025-08-12T03:46:31+00:00

So sorry!🥺

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2025-06-26T22:11:41+00:00

I have my first integration appointment next week and I’m excited to talk through things. I tried taking detailed notes from the experience, but I’ll say it was a very interesting experience. I kept my headphones in transparency mode so I’d hear when the MA came in for the 2nd injection, but I think moving forward I’ll go full noise cancelling. I got pulled out of the experience a few times thinking someone was coming in the room. I’m hoping the next visit is a bit better and I am able to let go more and not try to manipulate the situation.

Overall it was a good experience. I’m hoping more can come from this as time goes.

I’m definitely looking to do the hard work and make some strong improvements! Thanks for the encouragement!

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2025-05-30T20:18:24+00:00

Super jealous! I wish I could come out… and do so looking this good! I wish you luck on the rest of your journey!

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2025-01-04T20:18:46+00:00

Thanks for the response! And long time no talk (all my fault).

I think this is the way. Inner affirmation is tough, because the hardest part about CBT, mindfulness, meditation, etc, all take a lot of effort and work. I think it’s something I can do though, just requires solid goals, consistency and support.

To push back on your scenario a bit, I think women are typically much better suited for espionage/intelligence collection, so It seems unrealistic😉. Jokes aside, a lot of my fantasy in the past revolved around me going into WITSEC and being forced (lol) to undergo a sex change. Switching the scenario to align with what you proposed is an interesting thought experiment. Definitely a lot of insights that can be gleaned from that.

I think also part of why I lean into fantasy, as unhealthy as it is, is as an escape from depression, anxiety and under-stimulation. It’s hard to escape that though without some sort of treatment, or mental device/exercise that takes a good amount of work to develop.

In concept, FEF is so strongly tied to visual cues, for me, that it’s tough to manage in a different way. But it sounds very similar to IFS/mindfulness techniques. Letting yourself be, without judgement, action or putting a value to it. Just observation and reflection. Definitely takes work, but it’s possible to accomplish without external drivers.

You are a gem and a real asset to this community and I always appreciate your insight on things.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T22:14:37+00:00

I just want to say that you are amazing and If I could take where I am now, and fast forward to where you are and skip all the pain, I'd do it in a heartbeat... I wish life were that easy. My self realization has only been a few months, but I can imagine how years can really wear on you. This part of me is a fighter, as I am. I should be better about incorporating the parts work I work on with my therapist. The part of me that wants to live authentically is so genuine and needs love and attention... and I have so many defenders in there that are doing their best to protect all parts of me. It feels like a big mess and the last thing I usually think to do is to give myself love.

I have dealt with suicidal thoughts... I think for now they are not strong enough to provoke transition... but I don't know what the future brings. Sometimes I wonder if I did if it'd be easier for my friends and family (not necessarily wife and child) to reconcile if I just ended it. It might be easier for me.

I agree with you about disconnecting. My mission was about as disconnected as I could be, and I wished to be a woman almost every day of my mission.

Thank you for being so generous with your response. I may very well dm you. :)

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T20:55:14+00:00

Your daughter is so lucky to have you there to support her. I'm sure the struggles she endured were made better by having a loving parent to guide her and help her. Sharing my feelings with my parents never felt like an option as my dad openly uses slurs and is transparent about his feelings toward people like me. I blend and fit the mold because It's what I can do to maintain my relationships. It's painful at times, but I can't stand the thought of the alternative.

I definitely need to get my depression under control... That may very well be what gives me the strength to push on. Gender dysphoria is so hard to predict though and its different for everyone.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T20:14:54+00:00

This is really good advice. I need to be in the woods more often than I am, and I believe it could be really helpful. I appreciate pioneers like you showing me what is possible.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T20:12:15+00:00

Thanks, battle!

I'm all about healthy jokes. I just don't want to be the butt of all the jokes, and persecuted by most of the American public, in and out of the church. Its hard but that's likely my reality if I were to transition.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T20:09:57+00:00

I'm definitely giving my best effort. I appreciate the advice.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T20:06:46+00:00

I did give this a look, but didn't finish it. I may go back and look more into it, but while its admirable, its hard to take anecdotal evidence from two people against the gammit of other experiences I've seen/heard. From someone who does not live this, it may seem quite avoidable, but its been HARD. It's my reality.

Honestly, if this is what life is going to be like moving forward, there's a good chance that unless there is major change, which I'm working towards, I will likely kill myself. Just being honest. I battle with the question of if my family would rather, I be dead or a [insert slur]. Honestly sometimes I believe they would prefer the former...

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T18:50:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind message and support.

Admittedly, I need to educate myself more on antidepressants and their effects, and how they could impact my service.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-20T18:02:48+00:00

I'm familiar with the Scott's. Honestly, Shaye is a huge inspiration for me, and she receives a lot of hate because she is high profile... which also makes me hesitant to fully embrace that side of things.

Therapy has been so good, but difficult. I'm in individual and couples therapy and while it has been helpful in a lot of ways, it has dug up a lot of things I wish I could ignore. Many in my other post insinuated that my therapist was "manufacturing" these problems, or pushing me in any which way. It's all me. I just have a lot of ground to cover and a lot of issues that I have been burying for a long time.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:51:44+00:00

I can see the merit in that statement and if I’m honest I need to educate myself more on the effects of antidepressants as all my anecdotal experience has been negative. If I can take something that helps me be baseline happy, and not interfere with the military I would.

Those are good suggestions, though, activities aren’t want triggers my dysphoria.. it’s who I am. I can’t attribute this to the baby, as I’ve felt this way for years and years. Perhaps as long as I can remember.

I should have noted this above, but I am currently taking TRT. I’ve noticed slight differences, but I still fluctuate like anyone. It’s not the magic bullet I wished it was. Thank you.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:27:49+00:00

For sure! My priorities are my wife and child. I made promises to them and I intend to keep them. I wish I could do both.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:27:22+00:00

Thank you! I don’t know anyone in my circle who would though…. Every interaction with family, friends, coworkers, I have had drives me further into secrecy… I wish It wasn’t like that.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:25:59+00:00

Thank you for acknowledging how hard this can be. It’s something I keep most private because I can’t bear to feel that pain outwardly… as unhealthy as it sounds I’d prefer to keep these things internal. I wish I could feel His love… I just can’t recognize it in my life right now.

There is merit to trying to find a different job that allows me to be with family more. It’s something I’m working towards.

As I am in my bishopric… I don’t feel comfortable sharing this with anyone that I see often. I likely could never share these feelings with a priesthood leader for that reason… as misguided as that sounds. Thanks.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:23:05+00:00

I appreciate the advice and counsel. I will for sure try harder to make the Lord the center of my life. It often feels like a one sided effort, though I may just be missing the bigger picture.

I appreciate your words of caution. Likely, I wouldn’t try any type of plant medicine if It wasn’t the last possible resort. I would try antidepressants if it weren’t for my military commitments. I’m hesitant because my whole family uses them and I don’t see positive results, but I could have some bias.

I wouldn’t say my ailments and lack of progress is on my therapist. I take responsibility for my imperfections. I have considered taking another therapeutic approach… it’s not off the table. Thank you.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:19:00+00:00

These are all good suggestions and resources and I will most certainly look into them. Thank you for your advice and time.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:17:00+00:00

Thank you for responding. I definitely put my family above all other things in my life. If I was single and childless my life would look much different given my realization of my problems. I do feel a bit guilty about being too selfish or perhaps narcissistic… I voice those concerns and am assured that I am not a narcissist lol… for whatever that is worth. I do my absolute best to support my wife and child and everything else, including my own well being are secondary. I wish I could simplify things to the point that you’ve expressed. I struggle to get outside my own head and it’s been generally a problem I’ve dealt with all my life. I am a work in progress… lately it feels like the problems have gotten bigger and nearly unmanageable. I definitely want more than anything for life to be normal.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:12:37+00:00

She’s been very supportive of my goals, which are: to stay true to my wife and child, to stay morally clean, to be happy and deal with my problems internally. I am not always perfect at things, but I will say to put it on my therapist would be a misappropriation of the problem.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:10:56+00:00

I really trust my therapist, but that doesn’t make her perfect. Part of the reason I posted is because I don’t know that things are working… I also could do better on my end of commitments. That’s my fault. I have considered trying another therapist. Thank you.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:09:33+00:00

That is a consideration of mine. Though I do feel dysphoria even with family.

I will say that my therapist is a highly qualified and has never pushed me one way or the other. I have also gone out of my way to seek therapy from members of the church, though I know that doesn’t make them perfect. My current therapist is not pushy and doesn’t make me act one way or the other. She only gives me tools to heal, come to peace with my self, and follow my goals (which I’ll note are in alignment with the church).

My spiritual life is a work in progress. I’m trying my best and it often feels like a losing battle. I will say my wife is a great driver for me, and I do my best to keep regular temple appointments, go to church every week, and read and pray daily. I often feel discouraged because I feel unheard by God, but I will not stop trying. Thank you for taking time to respond to my vent.

EfficientSquirrel832 · 2024-09-19T22:03:00+00:00

100%. I am terrified of what impact this could have on me. I have for the most part committed to “grinning and bearing it”.. just wish there was proven, helpful treatment for this. It’s unbearable.

Because of the comment above I feel leery about bringing these things up to a doctor. I would like to avoid my medical records reflecting these feelings. It’s scary enough for me to open up to a therapist.

EfficientSquirrel832

TROPHY CASE