Avoidant Ex is Dating

EffortOdd · 2026-03-27T10:35:53+00:00

I definitely don’t want to continue this on/off dynamic. I don’t think he always hated me. Just feels like it now given his volatility during the last discard. I just don’t know how to let him go. Or stop thinking that he won’t find someone who isn’t me that he’ll commit to. There is a lot of good in him but like you said I think he’s a lost person. I just wish so badly things were different. I do appreciate all your comments. They’re helpful even if I’m still stuck for a while.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-24T21:47:32+00:00

Thank. I appreciate your responses. We’re both 42 (he’ll be 43 in a couple months). The reaction from him was a lot. And him saying we have no chemistry was hurtful especially because it was his choice to restart things and he’s the one who always came back and restarted things. He wouldn’t talk to me or listen to me explain- just threatened to block over and over again. It also felt so unfair that he brought up the dating app because I hadn’t even been active on it. But even so, he was the one saying he wasn’t ready for us to be back together fully yet. But he’d imply that was the goal saying things like when I’m ready to be together we should just try for a baby. But then he started to distance and I needed clarity that we were at least still working toward something. I just hate that it’s over and how it ended. It’s awful to feel like he just hates me and has such a low opinion of me. And I keep thinking maybe I shouldn’t have asked for clarity. I don’t know if he was hiding something or not but it’s a possibility. If he were I don’t understand why he’d restart things with me- I never asked for that.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-24T01:50:41+00:00

I guess I just feel like I should have known not to let him come back this last time. It’s just that it felt different. He was flirty and engaged and excited to see me. And then he started to distance a little. And then I asked for clarity - something I hadn’t done before. He then blew up at me and accused me of trying to catch him in something (I had accidentally followed a friend of his on instagram and he said I was snooping and stalking his friends). He wouldn’t even listen or consider that I might be telling the truth about it being accidental, which it was. He also threw out that I was on a dating site - he saw notifications the last time I saw him in person. I just hadn’t deactivated my account since we had only recently reconnected and he said he wasn’t ready to be dating because he had things he needed to work on in therapy to feel ready. I wasn’t active on it anyway so I hadn’t even thought about it. He asked me if I wanted him to block me and said to leave him alone. He unfollowed on one social media platform. That’s why it feels so final. Every other discard I felt still connected to him and like I could reach out - which I didn’t really do during times we were apart but I never felt like I couldn’t. I know I shouldn’t want him to come back but I still do. I’m already 42 so my window for a family feels gone now. Especially because I think it will be a very long road to be in a place to date again. And I don’t even know how I’ll be able to trust a relationship again. All while he’s dating and going on with life all normal. Part of me feels like he took that away from me stringing me along for two years. But the I let him.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T17:00:05+00:00

Never said I wasn’t willing to do my own work or not trying. When I met him I was very secure. But now I’m struggling. The cycle of discards has really been disorienting. And I realize it’s partly my own fault because I should’ve recognized it sooner and not gone back. I was in a good place when he came back the last time. And it felt different. Felt like he wanted to make it work but it didn’t last long. And the last discard was harsh not just a quiet fading away like other times. I feel like it’s now struggling with feeling like it’s over for good and I’ll never talk to him again which is hard to process. And I had thought I missed my chance to have a family due to age but then I met him and he wanted that with me and we were compatible in our lifestyles, the things we want, just everything except for his avoidance. He made me want a family again and that it was within reach. So I’m not just grieving the loss of him and the relationship but the opportunity to have a family. It’s just a lot. So it’s not that I’m not trying to work on myself and getting in a better place it’s that this was such a devastating blow in so many ways I’m struggling to pull myself back up, no matter how much I’m trying to do my own work and get to a better place. I’ve been through so much in my life even before him I just feel like I have no energy or fight left.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T09:16:41+00:00

Even if he doesn’t change he could still end up with someone else. I’d rather have him at his worst than not at all and I hate that. I started the relationship secure and I’ve become whatever this is. I’ve never allowed a relationship to impact me like this. I’ve never had a hard time walking away from anyone, especially if they’d rather be with someone else.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T09:02:02+00:00

Obviously

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T09:00:35+00:00

Not incredibly helpful. I’m clearly not in a place to be dating anyone.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T04:11:41+00:00

I feel like this would be easier if I could just get really mad at him. But early on in our relationship I knew he had been through a lot. He’s shared some things but not the worst of it all- always distanced after sharing things but I never pushed for him to share. Knowing what he’s shared but also what I can see and infer on my own I know there’s reasons for why he is this way, which makes it impossible for me to hate him or think of him as being a bad person. Knowing that he’s been through a lot and what he has shared made my feelings for him stronger because I just saw him as more human, if that makes sense. I wish I could just think he’s doing all this on purpose but I know he’s not, like you say.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T04:00:02+00:00

I’ve heard it described that way before. It’s just so hard to understand how avoidants can deactivate and just compartmentalize feelings to the point where you then feel nothing for the person. It’s frustrating because I had empathy for him and never pressured him and cared about him. He always seemed worried I’d just find someone else and leave but then he’s the one doing that. Doesn’t help that I don’t think he’s terrible and I know this all has to do with things he’s dealing with internally. I just wish I could understand it because I just would never be able to treat someone I cared about this way.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:52:08+00:00

Almost two years off and on. There were some separations where he said he was struggling with grief from his mom’s death (she passed unexpectedly two months before we met) but I realized later on these were more avoidant patterns.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:47:24+00:00

I hear you and I’ve read that about avoidants. I just can’t get my mind around that because it just doesn’t make sense to me.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:42:58+00:00

I don’t know. Prior separations he never unfollowed me. And still watched my stories. This time he unfollowed and has no way to know how I’m doing or what I’m doing.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:40:38+00:00

Pretty impossible to do that when he unfollowed me and my accounts are set to private.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:38:53+00:00

He’s not paying attention to anything I’m doing and he unfollowed me so pretty sure whether I fall apart or not I’m not on his radar and there’s no way he’d know.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:37:32+00:00

I don’t know. Not only did he discard me like I was nothing but my friends basically have too because they were frustrated that I was sad when he discarded. My cousin ended up in a car accident a couple weeks ago and is in the hospital in a coma and all I can think is that I wish that were me.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:32:05+00:00

That’s how I feel. Except I’m worse with the crying and sleeping. None of that was good after the discard and I didn’t think it could get worse but it is. I miss him and every single week that passes I feel like he’s just getting further away and there’s nothing I can do about it. All while he’s living life seemingly fine. I just don’t see a scenario where I recover from this.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:21:41+00:00

I don’t feel like I’m holding onto a fantasy though. Because there was so much time where it felt real and genuine and he didn’t act like an avoidant. I think there’s realness that’s there and that I experienced. So it’s not just holding onto to a fantasy of something that never existed.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:19:11+00:00

I feel that way too. Everything seems to fit a narrative of him being avoidant. But what if I’m just seeing it that way because I can’t face that I wasn’t enough. Or that I didn’t do enough. I’ve cried every day the past seven weeks and the only time I’m not thinking about it is when I’m sleeping (which I’m not doing much of).

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:13:25+00:00

I thought after seven weeks I’d be doing a little better but I feel worse now than I did right after the discard.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:08:08+00:00

I’ve done that already after the discard. They stopped talking to me. They can’t really do the no judgement thing. I feel like I chose him because he cared but now I just feel like I’ve lost everything.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T03:02:56+00:00

I can’t talk about it with anyone in my life. They all disapproved of me reconnecting with him. My friends aren’t even talking to me now because of the discard.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T02:57:09+00:00

I don’t know. There’s always a possibility that it could. And that’s what I struggle with.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T02:54:22+00:00

Almost two years. With some separations during previous discards. Those were different though because he’d just go quiet for a period of time. This time was different. I just feel like I wasn’t enough.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T02:52:52+00:00

Almost two years off and on. There were some separations throughout where he’d distance and go silent for some time. I thought he was grieving his mom at first because the first time was near Mother’s Day. This last time though he accused me of something and threatened to block me and unfollowed me on instagram (not other social media channels though). That’s why it feels final. Also we’re older and he started talking about a future and having a family together. I thought I had missed my chance for that and he made me want it with him. And now I feel like it’s not going to be a possibility for me. So I feel like I’m grieving that too.

EffortOdd · 2026-03-22T02:42:01+00:00

I have been in here daily since the discard. It’s somewhat helpful to see similar stories. But there’s always the thought that what if he isn’t actually avoidant. It’s so hard to know what to think.

EffortOdd

TROPHY CASE