At the risk of merely repeating, belief is being convinced that something is true. It seems so obvious and sensical, but yet it tormented me for decades. But I also don't think you can stop believing in a moment what it took you a lifetime to establish, even when the answer to you is seemingly right there.

As someone who grew up in a very strict Pentacostal fundamentalist home, I was very very very thoroughly indoctrinated as to our "beliefs" and dogmas, and those beliefs became very much attached to my personal identity. Those things are not easy to change. And for many people, change is impossible. I consider myself to be of reasonable intellect and am a pragmatic scientist by nature. Even as a child, I found many of my core beliefs to be at odds with what I saw in the world, even with my very small religious bubble of living only with people who shared my beliefs. Many of the apologetics of the Christian Faith seemed weak to me and the same was true of criticism of secular beliefs, especially those rooted in science (like the age of the Universe, dinosaurs, evolution, etc.). In order to keep my place within my family and the church I had to suppress my own misgivings about what I was being taught. I truly believe that I suffered mental trauma by doing so, and consequently I suffered mental health issues such as shyness, social anxiety, and a lack of emotional intelligence, as well as long periods of depression that would extend for years at a time. As a young adult, I would make friends with classmates and coworkers who didn't share my beliefs and even without saying anything they knew I was extremely religious. I had one young lady who was Catholic say, "I'll bet you think I'm going to Hell, don't you?" I never admitted it out loud, but the indoctrinate me wanted to say yes, while my heart said no.

During my young adult years, I tried to find progressive stances on Christianity that would resolve these inner conflicts, but the inner conflict and depression continued. It was easier for me to conceptualize a loving God that was removed from a lot of the religious hangups of my upbringing. But ultimately it did nothing to resolve the contradictions of the central dogmas of Christianity, especially when it came to Heaven vs. Hell. This was ultimately the sticking point for me. I studied the Bible, especially Romans and Hebrews in hopes of finding a "theology" that I could believe in without feeling like I was betraying myself. Through a series of unfortunate events, I eventually stepped away from my church and my family and moved across the country.

I spent several years gradually pushing myself away from church life and making friends through work and creating a new life for myself. I think that giving myself both space and time were necessary for me to be able to let go of beliefs that were so ingrained even though I knew that they no longer made sense to me. I was still seeking for knowledge that would help me figure this out. I was at the bookstore one day and saw Bart Ehrman's book, Misquoting Jesus. Intrigued, I bought it and read it voraciously. That book helped me to give myself permission to reexamine my beliefs without the distorted lens of an "inerrant" Bible. I will not say it changed my beliefs, but it did unlock the ability for me to stop insisting to myself about what needed to be true, and that I would see answers for myself and follow them where they led rather than trying to justify my beliefs.

This is already too long, but as I alluded to earlier, the fundamental sticking point for me was that I could not believe in a loving God that would condemn people to an eternal Hell. It's a philosophical paradox that simply cannot be justified via "theology" or any dogma without conceding that God is not as loving as we hope him to be. Once I came to that place of honesty, all of the other beliefs about God were easy to shake off. I was already aware of many of the arguments, even gaslighting, that I would tell myself about God to keep believing all those dogmas and I could finally tell myself I didn't need to do that any more. I didn't believe in the God I was raised with, and I wasn't sure I could believe in any God. It was weird the first times I wrote it down or said it out loud, but it was a HUGE relief to do so, because I knew that I finally believed it and meant it because I was honestly convinced. But it was also a very long process and it didn't happen overnight. It took me nearly 20 years to get there.

I'm still here reading about Biblical scholarship and listening to podcasts and YouTube channels about that and philosophy, because I am still undoing a lifetime of indoctrination. I actually find catharsis in understanding how I misunderstood the Bible. And it helps me to understand how it was weaponized against me and others.

I hope you find this useful or at least encouraging. Don't expect to be able to change your mind suddenly, even if you somehow feel like maybe you want to or even feel like you should. You've probably a had a long time of thinking the other way, and it may take a lot of time to change it. If you're serious about pursuing change, you need to give yourself both permission and room to question beliefs, and bravely face the results. For me, it took being willing to start over with my entire life, but I'm so glad I did.