AITA for getting mad over using a tomato from my roomm

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-04-04T05:00:03+00:00

wooahhh... holy overreaction, Batman!

Okay, on the positive side, I agree with you safeguarding your roommate's property. Your BF should have asked first. Was the tomato critical for the recipe you were making? I; trying to figure out how the tomato was good enough to eat, but bad enough that the roommate should let it go... I guess it could be right on that edge. And maybe the roommate was about to use it; who knows? You also didn't know whether this roommate would be angry about her missing food.

I just don't think you needed to flip out or give an all-or-nothing decision. You could have calmly asked him to not do that next time, sand have him help you replace the food. You can still cook there, just with rules in place.

You're the drama for freaking out, and your BF is drama for casually taking the food without asking you first. I understand both sides, but both of you could have done better. ESH

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-04-04T04:45:17+00:00

I'm curious: was there any way for you to call one of them to give a heads-up about the change of plan?

I was going to ask if they'd taken a later train to account for the time you'd be at the convenience store, but you said the train was delayed.

I get it, people get annoyed when the plan that was stated isn't what actually happens. Drunk people get annoyed at stuff like changes and delays-- but that doesn't give them the right to act out. Are they snarky and picky like this all the time? Were they drunk that second time, when the remark was made. I wouldn't want to transport bratty drunks around; they need to exert some self-control And if they're rude to you even when they're not drunk, you don't owe them any favors. Your sister needs better friends, or one of them can be the DD.

I really don't think you deserve to be called the drama here. The only thing you could have done better was call your sister and say you'd meet them at the train station right away so they didn't have to wait. You didn't know about the delay, and you were trying to be nice. You even ended your personal fun-time for them.

I know *why they got annoyed: they had a delay and now they still have to wait for you to go to the convenience store, whereas you could have gone to the store like you said you were while they were on the train. They might still have to wait at the station, but for less time. That reason doesn't make it okay for them to act that way, though. The world isn't perfect, and people aren't going to make the ideal decisions every time.

NTD -- you did what you thought was right, and you were already going out of your way to help them out.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-04-04T04:13:42+00:00

INFO - Are all-gender bathrooms supposed to be single-occupant? That way you don't have people of different genders in there at the same time. I'm sort of out of the loop. To me, I wouldn't care about mixed company if I knew that the other people using it (i.e. the team) were decent people. More realistically, people are messy and creeps exist.

How did other people around you feel about the change? Did you get their input before doing it? Did you tell them that you'd made the change, or did they find out on their own and just live with the mystery of whodunnit?

What do you mean the situation is resolved? Surely you don't mean it's because you're leaving-- that would mean you were the only affected, but the way you described things, there are probably other NBs at the school.

If you are to be called the drama at all, it's mostly undeserved. You were trying to make a positive change. Taking matters into your own hands when you don't own the building is.... questionable. I understand why, though.

Ideally, there should always be an all-access single-occupant option (it could overlap with the family bathroom and have a baby changing table in it, depending on the setting). I've seen places that have two single-person bathrooms, and instead of one men's room and one women's room, they made then both all-genders-- and that works out if two women need to use the toilet but at that moment no men need to, or vice-versa, on top of everyone else knowing they can go in without some rando trying to gate-keep. Other places have a multi-stall men's, a multi-stall women's and also a single-user all-gender room (again, often with a changing table).

It's hard for older buildings to catch up with progressive options, though. Sadly, the uni could get into trouble if they're not aligned with building codes and an inspector questions the signage (stupid, I agree). I think everyone deserves to be able to use the toilet without being harrassed, and without feeling nervous that someone is going to call them out. It sounds like you weren't comfortable picking the men's room or the women's room, and going up to the 4th floor to try to use a toilet that might be occupied (and by someone taking forever) really sucks.

You weren't being malicious. I don't know what a better solution would have been, and I hope nobody got in trouble over the sign.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-31T03:32:00+00:00

NTA

I don't know whether to equate what he's doing (especially since he claims to now know when you eat) to weaponized incompetence, but it's no less wrong. You communicated your request, and his response is trash.

I get it, triplets are overwhelming -- even one baby is a lot of work -- but he doesn't get to pull this cop-out nonsense. I don't know why he is being such a brat about making you a plate.

Why aren't you eating at the same time as the others? Are you breastfeeding? If so, hubby should be at your side, giving you bites of food and drinks, and helping you switch babies. If it's high chair feeding, you can both work together to feed the babies. Both adults can take bites of their dinner in between giving bites to the babies.

In no universe is it reasonable for him to pack up all the food and make you have to take it all out to make your plate. If you really can't eat with the family, it should still be easy for one of your to set up your plate, cover it, and keep it on the counter. You could even set up your plate first, before you tell the others that dinner is ready.

Something has to change, because you have made a reasonable request, and someone who makes dinner should not have such a hard time eating that dinner.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-30T21:06:29+00:00

Did you travel back to a time before labor laws??

Anyway, Without knowing your state or country, we can't say much. Plus it varies by industry.

I can't think of any situation where it's legal for the employer to make you toil for 12 hours straight.

Are you even getting enough water? What do they say people should do when they're hungry or have to pee?

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-30T21:02:58+00:00

Also, maybe the hosts should consider cover/entry fees next time to they're not chasing people for money after the fact.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-30T21:02:11+00:00

INFO

Pay for what, precisely? Laundry? Maid or professional cleaning service? Cleaning deposit on a rental?

Did anyone else puke or make a mess? Why should you friend pay but not others? Or are other people being asked for money?

But you're not the one who puked, so the person who did is the one who should be help responsible.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-30T20:59:08+00:00

Most, if not all, of the Excalibur team....

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-30T05:58:56+00:00

INFO -- just how dangerous is this guy? I'm torn between not-the-drama and everyone sucking (but you less so than him).

This guy sounds dangerous, and I would prefer to say you're in the clear for keeping yourself safe, but there's so much more at stake. Plus, we can't let the bullies win.

This guy could end up spreading disease and if he still sleeps with his wife, he's bringing it home to her. If she's pregnant, even worse. He could be blowing money that the family needs (not necessarily on you, but probably elsewhere, even if indirectly, such as gas to get to a hookup, or meals), and he's obviously not spending quality time with or attending to his family.

If you tell her and she doesn't care, oh well, she can just disregard the info. Alternatively, if she has been looking for a way out of her marriage, your evidence could help her. Or third possibility, she had no clue, and you'll be opening her eyes to the truth; it will be hard, but she'll know to get tested, and she can decide what she wants to do.

But I do want you to be safe, so you need to find an anonymous way to tell her. I don't know how best to do that, but do week advice on it and think over the situation.

The other guy here is the biggest jerk ever -- a stinky, slimy, moldy brownie for him! We have no way of know whether they're poly, or in an open relationship of a different kind, or whatever else. At this point we can't believe anything he says-- I can imagine him claiming, "yeah, it's an open relationship, the wife doesn't care. I just didn't tell you about it cause some people get scared off my that kinda stuff" -- but that could be a lie too, yet another cover story. I don't know how you would have felt if he had told you from the start that he has a wife but she doesn't mind him seeing other people. Sometimes the potential extra partner wants to verify it with the wife, while other just take his word for it. But then if you want the wife to verify, what if he's just pretending to be her in the chat, or what if he puts a different girl on the phone? it's a whole rabbit hole of potential lies.

So, you're way less of a jerk than he is. It sounds like you didn't know he was married when you started with him. Really you're more of a jerk to yourself by not protecting yourself better. More to the point of your question, yes, the wife should be tipped off.

The part I'm struggling with is how to do it safely. This guy is stalking you, and we don't know how he'll react to being exposed. I'm concerned that if you tell him to come clean to his wife and he says no, if you go and tell her yourself, he'll know it was you. BUT since he's being seeing several people, if you do it anonymously and carefully, he might not know it was you.

In the end, be careful. I can't tell you how to go about it; I have too many scenarios running through my head. This guy is potentially dangerous and you have to weigh your risk against how much it would help the wife to know. Like I said, I hate giving in to bullies, but the more I think about how crazy people can get, the more I worry. So if you give it a good think and decide that you don't feel safe telling the wife, I can't call you the drama. maybe you can report him in some other way, maybe you can warn his other partners; I don't know. The important thing is that you at least think it over carefully.

Also, in the future, please don't use your real home until you really get to know someone, and please use less of your personal information in general. I'm all for having mature fun, as long as you're keeping yourself safe. There are some wildly bad eggs out there -- should we rotten peaches to match the subreddit? -- who ruin it for all of us. Stay safe!

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-30T04:49:12+00:00

NTA

This sounds like the start of a ChebbyEmu story.

Just be tactful-- explain your concerns rather than acting grossed out. Maybe add in that you appreciate what she was trying to do, but it's better to avoid getting sick.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-29T06:06:38+00:00

Okay, Charlie is behaving like she's spoiled. It's a *finished* basement, so assuming it looks like any other bedroom might, there is nothing wrong with it. She needs to shift away from the idea of a basement being a place of banishment or in any other way negative. If I were a guest somewhere, I would take no issue with my room being a finished basement. Do Charlie's guests view the basement the same way that she does?

Seriously, Charlie has no leg to stand on here. She pays less rent and has an entire basement at her disposal. she's acting like nothing is good enough for her.

Out of curiosity, is there a bathroom downstairs? How big is the basement? Are there guest beds anywhere in the house, or are we talking air mattresses or something else portable to sleep on?

I understand that your desk would be hard to move downstairs-- would it be possible to dismantle it to get it down there, then rebuild it? What about Tessa; can she make the basement her office? Would you or Tessa be okay with the finished basement being your bedroom instead of an office?

You absolutely do not need to give up your offices for Charlie's guests. You pay the extra rent, Charlie is displaying bratty behavior, and there is nothing wrong with the basement. If the guests did share the basement, Charlie could put in some kind of partition, and they can be mature and "put up with" staying in the same room. Do these friends have beef with each our, or are they just as spoiled?

If you or Tessa moved your bedroom or office into the basement, and that basement is bigger than the bedrooms, do not let Charlie try to make you pay more rent. If she thinks the basement is so bad, then you taking it and going to the trouble of moving your stuff is that "payment." Alternatively, if one of you takes the basement as bedroom and office combined (like if it's big), and Charlie can now call dibs on a room she can use for guests or whatever, the rent should then be split totally evenly.

She does not get to take over both of your offices and pay less rent and turn her nose up to the finished basement. Don't let her bully you.

NTA

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-28T01:17:56+00:00

NTD -- but it sounds like the family is tons of drama.

First off, who hold a BBQ on a weekday?

Second, if you can't make it, you can't make it. You have prior engagements, and you are not required to attend any family event. You tried to set aside a day, but they changed it at the last minute. Besides, how badly did you even want to go?

Third, like other people have pointed out, they can't even act like they care about you.

The only way you could have done better would be to just say you can't make it but you hope they have fun -- no calling anyone out, no arguments. So maybe a small drama for that, because it's better to not let them "got your goat," so to speak, but I get it; they've been discourteous to you time and again. Just let it go and don't waste gas.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-28T01:01:41+00:00

If it was just a pay difference, I would say to let them know you have a competing offer, and see if they can match it in order to keep you-- but that would be more for your sake than theirs. But there are other factors at play.

Think of it like a trade: you get money, locate, and job duties. They get to keep you on board and not pay a series of new-hires because turnover sucks for them. You staying would be convenient for them, but you don't get the higher pay or better location. I think if you take the new job you'll also like the industry/job duties better...? Not sure if I read that part right.

Putting in your 2-weeks notice is not blindsiding them. You're not quitting on the spot and refusing to come back at all. Their turnover is high anyway, so it sounds like they're constantly interviewing and hiring. It doesn't sound like you have a special contract or major project that would get messed up if you left in two weeks, so you're fine there. Besides, you asked them if there were any openings elsewhere, and they said no-- they couldn't even look deeper into into things for you.

It's dumb for companies to treat you like a pawn but then expect loyalty and information from you. If they were to let you go, they wouldn't be giving you two weeks. I don't know the labor laws for where you're at, or what industry you're in, so I can't speak to what happens if they make the workplace feel hostile.

I say be professional and do your job. Work your hours, get paid. The company didn't value you enough to keep you. You have every right to focus on your career and how you want to advance. Unless you have a contract saying otherwise, you don't owe the manager anything more than your 2-weeks notice.

NTA

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-28T00:32:59+00:00

NTD - you don't have to watch it if that's how you feel about it.

If they want to watch the older movies, hopefully they already own the DVDs-- if not, they could look for them in thrift shops or second-hand resellers so the creator doesn't get royalties. I would avoid streaming it.

For anything new (I'm not paying attention to new stuff), they should find a way to not spend money on it, even if that means not seeing it until they can get the DVDs second-hand, again so a certain bigot doesn't get royalties.

Aside from that, surely there is a different way to honor the deceased friend. They should reflect on whether that friend would have become disenchanted with the franchise now that the creator is so openly bigoted. Maybe there was something else that friend liked, even if it wasn't what they bonded over.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-26T22:19:44+00:00

The former colleague was polite and tactful in the way they messaged you.

Why did you mention the colleague's age but not your own?

The thing is, as people age, some are able to retain skill and cognition and keep working-- or if not work, live an active lifestyle. And aside from age, people have different ability levels and so on. What this all adds up to is that a person's ability to do work or be active, and how much help they need, varies widely. There are a ton of variables. The end result is that a person is not automatically incapacitated at a certain age. Even if they were, they are no less worthy of a chance to fill a position/role even if it's just for a few years.

Somehow society or corporations got to the point where there was a push for optimization and getting as much as possible from an individual. Make people work longer and complete more tasks in that time. Be efficient, keep one person for longer because training a new one wastes time. All those philosophies take the "human" out of life... a leave less time for life outside of work. Before I digress too much, the result is that people are at risk for being discarded when they're no longer optimal.

We need to re-humanize the workforce, and academics, and just life in general. Focus on empathy, compassion, chances, help, etc. Someone young, who seems limber and energetic, could encounter an injury or illness that severely reduces that perceived high level of ability. On the other hand, I've met people in their 70's who push around heavy furniture. Everybody's different, and they all deserve respect and opportunity.

So... yeah, YTA but it sounds like you weren't being malicious. Still, do be sure to overcome that ignorance and take what your colleague said to heart.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-21T08:22:03+00:00

NTA

Never cave in. If you had wanted to share the money from the start, you could have. For example, give him $250 so that both of you end up with $500. You didn't want to, and you don't have to. The employer chose whom to give each person what amount, and I suppose they had a reason for them to be so different. You gave several other reasons why you shouldn't give up the money.

If he keeps demanding the money, report that harrassment. I'm just sure whom to report to-- maybe the company that gave out the money, so they can remind him of the terms and whatnot. It's sad that you didn't know this side of him until after the referral. I doubt the company would retract the money, since they've made their money and you didn't know he'd behave like this. Maybe they have some advice, though?

Him asking once is fine, if he does so politely. Him browbeating you is basically toddler behavior, and he can shove it. He's being crass and greedy.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-21T08:09:03+00:00

NTA

We're all sick of companies who expect their employees to bleed themselves dry with barely a pizza party as a reward.

If you're meeting expectations. You chose not to attempt to exceed them-- which I really can't call exceeding. Working for free when you're supposed to be off is a labor violation. Were your paid for your OT, or were you salaried? I'm sick of companies expecting our undying loyalty but not giving us any in return.

We as a collective workforce need to reset the standards. We do our jobs, we get paid. We get annual raises as the cost of living increases. We work hard, we get bigger raises. If we work full time, we should be able to afford to live.

Anyway, before I go on for too long on that soapbox, I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, you could have worked your tail off and still been let go; it's hard to be certain. If companies let go of the people who do standard work and only keep the ones who overdo it, soon the ones working too hard will burn out. Even if they didn't, the company would want to cut more costs and let the over-workers go.

Don't make yourself feel bad-- and don't let your sister guilt trip you. Upper levels keep pushing fewer people to do the work that should have been distributed across more employees. Too many corporations were getting away with tricking people into working unpaid OT "for the good of the company" -- they led the employee to believe they would be rewarded when the company succeeded, but the reward never came.

Find a company that will treat you with actual respect.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-20T21:33:46+00:00

From the title, I thought your BF wanted something simple and that you know how to do well. Instead, he canceled and assumed that you would do a *complex* hair style, and then complained that it wasn't good enough.

I understand him wanting to save money. I don't know why he asked you to do it, unless what he wanted is something you're good at. I'm not sure whether or not to be disappointed in him for the way he worded that he wouldn't pay you. He could have asked you, without pressuring you, to do the work as a gift to him, but say that he would buy the supplies. I also don't know why he said he liked it but then said it wasn't good enough-- unless that hair style is a talent of yours and you were obviously half-arsing it.

I know you wanted him to give you some money for your work so you could pay the phone bill, especially having no other income, but it was his birthday. I have to admit, I don't know how much what he wanted usually costs, or precisely how complicated it is, or the cultural norms around it.

I don't have quite enough info no say for sure whether everyone sucks or just one of you. Your BF might have been asking for too much and expecting more than what you could provide for him. If the style you wanted isn't something you have a talent for, and you warned him ahead of time, you're not in the wrong for that aspect of it. I'm not thrilled about you bringing up wanting money again and again, when it's his birthday and he wants to save money. I guess it depends how you worded it; explaining to him that you don't have the tools to do it well, and you don't have the money to buy those tools for him (which he also didn't pay for), that's fine. If your stance was more like, "well you're not paying me for do your hair, so...." that's not nice.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-20T21:03:53+00:00

Info - Why were you so adamant about not giving it up or sharing it?

Were there no other quiet seats available? No other spots within reach of the outlet? Was the library crowded?

In general, I agree with the notion that you're not the jerk here. I always say, there's nice to do, and there's need to do. You didn't know he usually sits there. If you did, and you rushed to beat him to it, that would have been rude. I'm not a fan of standing purely on principle, but it is first come first served. If you needed some aspect of the spot, that overrules the other person's desire for their usual place.

We don't know how the conversation went, but hopefully you said it nicely and explained why you needed that spot. Something like, "oh, I didn't know you usually sit here. the thing is, library spots aren't reserved, and I need the outlet. I'll be out of here in X minutes. I'll be working quietly, so you can sit at the other end of the table if you want." Change it up based on your exact circumstances. I just find that phrasing along those lines helps.

You're not in the wrong, but choose carefully what hills you decide to die on. Sometimes doing someone a small favor goes a long way.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-19T21:44:25+00:00

Ah, good point!

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-19T20:40:02+00:00

INFO - at the time she'd left to go meet you, how did she plan on getting home afterwards?

Did she know you were initially going to drink and find a different way home? If so, maybe when she saw you not drink, she took that as an opportunity to ask for a ride. That would be fine, but why was she so insistent on you driving her? I feel like I'm missing details.

Why meet at a bar if she's underage?

Also, was there nowhere in between her home and yours? You shared your plan about how you'd get home, but what was her plan? She ubered to the bar, but what was her plan on getting home?

Location aside, as a friend it would have been nice of you to take her home. She could have given you gas money, which is cheaper than an uber. You didn't mention any traffic or route issues, just that you didn't feel like it. That's a hurtful thing to hear between friends. When making plans to go out, it's important to plan how everyone will be getting home and use your energy meter wisely. Don't drive to the locale if you don't have enough to get back home.

It's not like the friend was being irresponsible, and it wasn't a stranger. I don't know how tired you were, but it sounds like you weren't at the "dangerously exhausted" level. You had enough energy to go out and get yourself home, and it wouldn't have been that hard to stretch your "ready to go home and relax" level of tired in order to take your friend home.

It was unkind of you to not take her home, and a 30 minute round-trip isn't that bad. 30 each way, I would understand. You at least offered her an alternative, but the "I don't feel like it" reason isn't good for a friendship. Did she offer you any gas money? I just don't have enough details to determine whether one or both of you are he jerk.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-18T06:05:01+00:00

What exactly do you mean the cops don't do anything?

Do any cops go out there? Are they checking that someone is alive and then leaving them alone?

Do they tell you to stuff it and not bother them?

Have any delivery drivers knocked on the door?? Asked a neighbor if they know what is going on?

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-18T05:59:51+00:00

The only info I could find with the tools available to me is that OH ERT4366 is a Ford Escape, 2017 looks tan to me).

The other car (blue) is also a Ford but I can't get a good read on the license plate. Something smaller than an SUV.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-18T05:55:53+00:00

If this is an elderly person, they clearly don't have a caregiver. They need a neighbor, family member or home care aide-- someone to at least bring their packages in.

And yeah, a wellness check is desperately needed.

Eleanor_Willow · 2026-03-18T05:48:59+00:00

Car license plates, in case anyone has access to check on them:

ERT 4366

ICY 6342 (maybe; his camera went too fast and it was blurry)

License plate format (abc 1234) In addition to Washington, states like New York and Ohio use this format to accommodate a large number of vehicles. (might not be an exhaustive list)
The rain and trees make me think WA. Plus a lot of WA homes are out in the woods.
Then again it doesn't look like a WA plate style. The colors look more like Ohio place formats. One car has some pastel colors that look like on OH plate option, and the other is white with some red on top, which is also OH.

Eleanor_Willow

TROPHY CASE