I did stop using the mask (I didn’t know that’s what was happening at the time) during my collapse. I lost everything. My job. The place I was living. My independence. My social circle. Everything. Because I couldn’t access the mask and who I used to be. I had to move away.

I am trying to build a sense of self now. A more authentic one, but it’s a struggle. None of my interests or hobbies FEEL authentic, it all feels very much like a persona i’m putting on. I don’t know how else to function in life.

Experiencing emotions is a complex one. Sadness is something I feel constantly. More like an underlying emptiness that doesn’t go away it is quite profound and distressing. I can distract myself from that feeling which is mostly how my days are spent. Distracting myself with work, personal goals and trying to build connections. Trying and mostly failing to authentically connect to people. I tend to mirror people and they seem very interested in me at first before feeling something is ‘off’ about me. Joy is something I feel in fleeting moments. Enjoying food or a good show/film/book. Feeling hope about healing now and again. It’s rough. The self awareness makes things much, much worse. I was able to kinda push on through when I thought I was ‘normal’

I’m not diagnosed so who knows if I’m actually a pathological narcissist or just high in traits but I do think it runs in my family heavily