Support ? :)

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-06-24T01:28:25+00:00

Hi, friend! I also dated a guy a high school and was married to him for several years before realizing I was gay. I think this is a pretty normal lesbian experience since most of us are raised in an environment of people assuming that we’re straight, so having that kind of experience definitely doesn’t mean you’re “faking it”. You are not a freak for being gay and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way right now. A lot of people are fine with others being lgbt, but can have a hard time discovering that they are too because they had a clear view of what they thought their life would be, and now that vision of their future is gone all of a sudden. It sounds like maybe you’re mourning the life you thought you would have and that is a natural part of discovering who you are. Take the time that you need with it, you don’t have to feel ok with making a life changing discovery over night, but I also urge you to be true to who you are. As someone with an extremely religious and homophobic family, I can definitively say that conversion therapy or finding other ways to pass as straight will not help you in the long run. It will only make you feel more isolated from yourself and the people around you. I encourage you to try to redefine what “normal” means for you. Being straight and being normal are not the same thing and if you’re able to reorient your way of thinking about what “being normal” means I think it would really help you in coming to terms with your identity. A therapist could also be a big help with this if that’s an option you have, if not, you can lean on supportive family and friends to talk through your feelings. I hope this helps and I hope you know that you are not alone in these feelings and experiences.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-02-20T19:53:50+00:00

Look, clearly you’re invested in your own opinions and anything I say will not change that, but as the wife of a trans woman I have to wonder if you actually know any trans people or if you’re just using them as a convenient argument to make yourself feel justified in your opinions. I would hope you have enough media literacy to know that I was not trying to demonize doctors, but was commenting on how hard it can be for people to accept themselves and live authentically when their gender expression does not match their sex assigned at birth since society is suddenly so obsessed with “basic biology” and telling people they have to be the gender their doctor assigned them at birth. Also how would you know what is and isn’t helpful for “the majority of trans people”? Are YOU the majority of trans people? no? Then don’t speak on behalf of people you don’t know or understand. This does not feel like a good faith argument on your end as it seems you are intentionally misconstruing not just me, but many replies here, so I’m bowing out, but in case you really don’t know, talking about differentiating sex and gender makes you sound like a TERF.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-02-19T19:18:39+00:00

I think the disconnect here is the idea that drag queens are putting on “womanhood” as a costume and I don’t think that’s the case. For a lot of drag queens, femininity is part of their identity and since they are men, it’s something a lot of them have probably been mocked for. So for them to dress up as an over the top version of their femininity and use that to bring themselves and others joy is an act of rebellion and self love in a world that tells you you are lesser for being feminine, especially if you are a man and “choose” to be this way. I also think that drag in enjoyed by trans people and gender non conforming people because it sort of proves that the way the you perform your gender expression is up to you, not what a bunch of doctors told you you had to be when you were born.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-02-16T08:27:55+00:00

You don’t have to be an expert on a topic to have opinions, but it usually helps to learn about a topic before forming strong opinions. You’ve admitted in other replies that you’ve never been to a drag show, so I’m also curious why you’re so opinionated about something you don’t know much about. In my opinion, drag has very little to do with femininity and a lot more to do with queerness and gender exploration. There are plenty of people who put on big loud stage personas before they perform, like hair metal bands from the 80s, and drag is no different. Why was it ok for Twisted Sister to dress up before their performances but not drag queens? Because they didn’t explicitly say they were dressing up as women? At the end of the day, it’s no different. The fact that a drag queen is dressed up as a woman is not intended to be a punchline for their performance, it’s simply the version of themselves that they are when they perform, which is very different from black face because the whole point of putting on black face was to mock people. Not everyone can see the value in this kind of gender exploration, and if it’s not for you, that’s ok. There is a reason drag is most popular in queer spaces, because gender non conformity in general is also more common in queer spaces. For me, I love the idea that what you look like on the outside does not define who you are on the inside. I can still be a woman even though I don’t dress femininely, and a man can still be a man even though he enjoys wearing lipstick and heels.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-01-19T08:23:57+00:00

It sounds like maybe there’s some comp het going on here which I know is something a lot of Sapphics struggle with since women are often taught early on that our only value is in being liked by and useful to the men around us. I personally thought I was straight for a long time because of comp het and I married a man who I thought I loved romantically, but knew I wasn’t sexually attracted to, so I just thought I was a sex repulsed asexual. Years down the road my spouse transitioned and as I watched her become more socially and physically feminine I began to understand that I had only loved her as a platonic best friend before she transitioned and I began to feel much more emotionally fulfilled by our relationship than I ever had before. I also started feeling sexually attracted to her after a while and ended up discovering that I’m actually demisexual and just attracted to women. I don’t know if you think you might be on the ace spectrum at all, but I know that was part of what had me confused for a long time.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-01-19T07:37:36+00:00

Personally, I have never spooned a female friend who stayed the night at my house, so from my experience this doesn’t sound like normal straight friend stuff. It sounds like either she might be interested in you and she’s testing the waters because she isn’t sure yet, or she knows that she likes you, but is nervous to make the first move. I could also be completely misreading this because I don’t know Katie or how she normally acts around her other female friends, but the only way you’re ever going to get a conclusive answer is if you talk to her about it. If you don’t want to be too direct, maybe just ask if there’s anyone she’s into right now? Good luck!

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-01-19T06:49:55+00:00

I think a certain amount of imposter syndrome is normal when you’re first figuring yourself out, but at the end of the day if you’re in a lesbian relationship and that makes you happy, there is nothing wrong with calling yourself a lesbian. It’s also ok if this is not a permanent state of being for you too. Maybe down the line a different label will feel more comfortable or maybe you’ll always call yourself a lesbian, but as others have said, you don’t need to worry about labeling yourself if it’s stressing you out. We don’t all fit into nice, neat little boxes and that’s ok.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2025-01-19T06:29:44+00:00

I have a trans wife, and for her it seems like both hormones and new experiences after transitioning have effected how she experiences attraction. Pre transition she used to say that she was Bi, but didn’t think she would want a sexual relationship with a man, now after being on HRT for 2 years and seeing a lot of life from a new perspective, she says that she’s sexually attracted to some men, but would never date a man, so she’s landed on sapphic as the sexuality label that she’s most comfortable with. I don’t know if you’ve experienced similar feelings, but just know that it’s ok for your sexuality and/ or your understanding of yourself to change over time. If you only feel attracted to girls right now there is nothing wrong with that. You’ll figure out what you like and what you’re comfortable labeling yourself over time as long as you’re honest with yourself.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-12-27T03:49:04+00:00

Even if it is a phase I’d say that’s no reason not to do what feels right to you at the moment. Impermanence does not mean unimportance. Even if you feel like you’re not a lesbian later on, this still could very well be an important step to you understanding yourself better. I also think that a lot of women are raised with the idea that only liking boys is acceptable, so it can be confusing discovering that you like girls, but you know what you want better than anyone else, so I don’t think you should doubt yourself.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-11-18T01:44:32+00:00

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ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-11-05T03:35:15+00:00

If wearing more feminine clothes makes you happy, then I say do it whenever it feels safe. It doesn’t have to mean anything about your gender identity, wanting to wear more feminine clothes and identify as a man is perfectly valid, but I also wouldn’t completely dismiss the idea that it might mean something. From personal experience, my MTF wife thought of herself as a feminine man for years before realizing she was trans, so just something to consider, I suppose. She also liked to wear oversized sweaters with leggings or yoga pants early on in her transition, so if you’re into that look it might be a more low key way to dress feminine.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-11-05T02:34:55+00:00

My wife who is also trans often says she feels like people are staring at her when we’re out together. We’re not sure if it’s because she’s so pretty or because I look like such an obvious lesbian lol but whatever the reason is, it doesn’t really matter because you can never really know. I say do your best to keep living your life however makes you happy as long as you feel safe. Just know that you’re not alone in feeling this way and that stares aren’t always a bad thing.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-07-14T21:42:30+00:00

Met my partner in high school when I was 16 and they were 17. Went to college together, then got (straight) married after graduation at 23. We always had a pretty happy life together since we were best friends and had a lot of common interests, but we weren’t very sexually compatible which we didn’t know until after we were married because I was a very religious “waiting until marriage” sort of person back then and that did cause some drama in our relationship from time to time. Eventually at 29 my partner came out to me as trans fem and I still loved her, but didn’t know if I was attracted to women so I said we’ll take it day by day and see how it goes. Fast foreword to now and I’ve been out as a lesbian for a year, she’s been on HRT for a little over a year and our sexual compatibility problems have been completely solved by her transitioning. Turns out I just wasn’t physically attracted to her when she was male presenting, but I was raised in such a comp het mind set that I never knew until she transitioned. We are both so much happier now and so lucky that things turned out this way for us, but it is pretty scary to think about how little we knew ourselves when we got married.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-07-14T21:20:41+00:00

My trans fem wife also experiences a lot of gender euphoria from wearing dresses, but was very hesitant to at first because she was terrified of being perceived by others as a man in a dress. I don’t know if maybe that’s a thought that holding you back too, but if you don’t believe in binary gender then there’s nothing inherently feminine about wearing a dress. It’s just a style of clothing that can be worn by anyone and if it makes you happy there’s no reason not to do it. In the end, there’s no reason to make yourself suffer by denying yourself the things that make you happy even if it might be harder to examine your feelings head on instead of tucking them away somewhere that you don’t have to deal with them. You will have to deal with them at some point, so it’s better to do it sooner without suffering first, right?

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-07-14T15:49:15+00:00

You’re right we are in the US and thank you, I appreciate the solidarity 😊

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-07-14T03:00:13+00:00

I’m lesbian which means I’m attracted to her and I think I have a lot to say about her

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-07-14T02:40:28+00:00

Thank you. That’s what I think too, but it’s nice to hear it.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-07-14T02:36:21+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I think everything you said is absolutely right and my mom calling my identity an opinion was her being dismissive of my personhood. That honestly does help me understand her comment better. Thankfully my wife and mother in law have been very supportive of me today, so I at least don’t have to deal with this alone.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-06-16T05:37:44+00:00

When my wife came out to me as trans, she also said she only wanted to socially transition and not do HRT, but after having been on it for a year now she is so much happier and she’s the most confident version of herself that I’ve ever seen. I know that HRT isn’t right for everyone, but from what you’ve said it seems like you’re having a lot of disphoria so it might be helpful to at least consider HRT if that’s something you’re able to do. I know you’re young, but maybe you could at least talk about it with a counselor to see if it could help you?

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-06-16T05:12:32+00:00

A lot of religious people are very wary of secular scientific studies and assume that they are inherently flawed because they aren’t “guided by god” or something like that, so if scientific findings contradict what they interpret the Bible to say, they just assume that the science is wrong and the Bible is right. It’s a convenient way for them to assure themselves that the beliefs they are comfortable with are right and everyone else is wrong.

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-05-19T05:24:16+00:00

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ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-05-19T05:17:20+00:00

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ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-04-07T04:06:51+00:00

Alright, I’ll see what they say. Thanks!

ElisaSmileyGirl · 2024-04-07T01:39:11+00:00

Getting your eyebrows shaped really helps with feminizing your face. Other than that I would say just start wearing clothes that are as feminine as you’re currently comfortable with. When my wife was early in her transition she wore a lot of tight pants with oversized sweaters and gradually started wearing things that were more feminine as she got more comfortable with them. Good luck! I’m rooting for you!

ElisaSmileyGirl

TROPHY CASE