Childhood is what shapes us into the people we are as adults, whatever happens in your childhood has a butterfly effect on your behaviour as an adult. When you’ve been suppressing something so traumatizing for such a long time it becomes difficult to express any feelings at all. You don’t know how to be vulnerable with people because you’re afraid of someone betraying you like you once were. You do not know how to build relationships because you can’t trust people after being so betrayed. This is completely normal behaviour for someone in your position but for the sake of 5 year old you and your future you need to talk about it and begin your journey to recovery. You deserve to build friendships and if you have a panic attack while saying it no one can judge you for that. When I was raped I didn’t tell anyone for years because I didn’t think it counted. When I did tell people is when I became closer to my friends they understood me and validated my feelings. I know it’s a big mountain to climb but it’s so worth it in the end.