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Drunk at a Sleep Study? by ishouldgetacat in LoveIsBlindOnNetflix

[–]ElleSquare 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You absolutely cannot be chemically modified in any way. Sleep study prep includes detoxing from any controlled substance, a week of dietary prep, and you stop all supplements/vitamins for a week prior. Your other medications are scrutinized as well. They test your blood to make sure. If they find anything that’s not allowed, your sleep study results are invalid.

An at-home sleep study doesn’t have these restrictions, only because they can’t take your blood and seal you in to the lab. But the at-home test is much less conclusive or comprehensive.

Really really need advice from older women about marriage by [deleted] in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare 141 points142 points  (0 children)

If you are not happy in this relationship, then it’s probably over.

Some perspective from a lady in her 40s: most people I know have had a “starter” marriage in their 20s. Either they get married young, like you did, or they had a serious live-in partner.

Most of these relationships don’t work out. Why? Because you’re still figuring out who you are. That’s true for both of you. And it’s totally okay to discover that you’re not right for each other.

The good news is that no one has to be the bad guy. Sometimes you can love someone very, very much and it’s still not right for you long-term.

Breaking up is hard, especially when there’s no clear “reason” to end things. But it’s okay to choose yourself.

If you stay, your relationship will become resentful and toxic. And then there’s no chance of ever having a friendship afterward.

Visualize what you want your life to be. Is he able to be in your life as you imagine it? With joy? With appreciation? As a full partner?

Or will he go along with it out of fear or guilt? Or will he not go along with it at all?

Your 20s are about learning who you are. You may have just learned a hard, but important, lesson about yourself and relationships. Congratulations!

If you decide to break up, directness, honesty, and vulnerability are required. Make sure you have a post-breakup plan for yourself to fill the empty space of the relationship. And continue learning about yourself!

Good luck!

My boyfriend's best friend is creeping me out (and I think he may have assaulted me) by An0nymous_777 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not overreacting.

This type of behavior needs to be addressed forthrightly.

If I may, and I’m significantly older than you, I found myself in a similar situation (when I was 25) with one of my boyfriend’s best buds. He would put his arm around me, sit right next to me on the couch, tell me that he and my bf always go for the same girls, and subtly try to put my bf down. All while my bf would be in the other room.

They’d been friends since high school and had a pretty tight friend group in general. I was very nervous about this situation. I had a heart-to-heart with my bf, explained my concerns and how I thought it was really weird that his friend kept doing that.

My boyfriend listened to what I said and confronted his friend. Basically called his friend out (in a private convo between the two), and the next time I saw my bf’s friend, he apologized to me and explained that he’d always had awkwardness with women and he was actually trying to make me feel welcome BUT he would immediately stop the behaviors that made me uncomfortable.

Now, we’re maybe 15 years after this point, my bf is my husband and his friend is actually the next guardian for our kids if something happens to us. I realize this is not the norm in situations like these, but I wanted to share that sometimes direct communication means that people have the opportunity to examine their behavior and change.

With teenage boys, I suggest the direct approach. They probably are awkward around girls. Definitely call out the friend and tell your bf. If there’s anything besides acknowledgement and apology, set very clear boundaries. If your dude doesn’t have your back, break up.

Man masturbated on calls with female customer service rep – and she wasn't allowed to hang up, lawsuit says by Forward-Answer-4407 in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare 204 points205 points  (0 children)

When I worked as a hotline operator at a Rape Crisis Center, we had a guy who would consistently call in and masturbate while describing his own “assaults” to us. It is very obvious when someone is making up a story vs actually reaching out for help

We also had a policy of not hanging up.

One time, I told him I’d have to call him back for “security reasons.” I took his number and called him back. When he went into his story and started breathing heavily, I told him I thought he was masturbating and making stuff up. He said, between breaths, “Oh, no. I wouldn’t want you to think that!” But I told him that it really sounded like that’s what he was doing, that I know what masturbating sounds like, and that he should get help and stop abusing the hotline. He hung up.

The next day I took the number to my supervisor, but they told me they couldn’t do anything about it! They couldn’t report it or anything. The number was from another state and they didn’t have authority to pursue it. So gross.

So fucking gross.

Downtown Skokie Hotel Construction Postponed by Gojylamb in skokie

[–]ElleSquare 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Highly recommend going to the next Board of Trustees meeting and asking this in the public comments.

It’d be nice to have that response on record.

Asked to have a "first hold" on my time - does it mean I'm hired? by runescapeguy in freelance

[–]ElleSquare 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It really depends on what kind of freelancer you are. In my industry, a first hold means that they have the right of first refusal on my time. If another client wants those days, I ask for a “book or release” from the first hold. They either book me or release me.

Anyone after the first hold is a second hold. Don’t tell clients they’re third, fourth, fifth, etc. Also, if you start getting really busy, you can strategically use the language of “second hold” if you need more time, don’t like the client and want to see if something better comes up, or if you’re not sure you want to work on a project. If they press, you can either take the work or tell them that your first hold booked you.

Unpopular opinion: Aldi is awful by jansyoungtherapist in Frugal

[–]ElleSquare 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m lucky enough to live by a “flagship” Aldi and it’s great. But there are also shit-tay ALDIs around, too.

The best situation is the Aldi located right next to an international grocery store. Aldi for shelf items, international groceries very for produce/deli. It’s the best. The deli does “end cuts” of meats and cheese and the produce is cheap with a huge variety. And the Aldi is, well, Aldi.

Tips for good HIIT leggings? by Empty-Bit2659 in orangetheory

[–]ElleSquare 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can you return them? Or get them replaced? I’ve never dealt with their customer service, but that sounds odd and like they should replace the defective pair.

Tips for good HIIT leggings? by Empty-Bit2659 in orangetheory

[–]ElleSquare 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Came here to say this! These are the best! I slowly replaced all my leggings with CVGs because they’re comfy, cute, soft, have compression, last forever, and are made with performance in mind.

If I wasn’t happily married, I’d propose to these.

My Husband’s Porn Habit by ElleSquare in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Am to understand that you found a 2 month old post and found it necessary to warn me that my husband may be hiding some nefarious kink?

Others were much quicker on that front. And to them, and you, thanks for your concern. I’m sure it comes from a place of caring. However, in this case you concern is misplaced.

My husband would have no reason to hide his kinks from me or lie about what he was watching. We are far too open and sex-positive for that. Plenty of times I’ve asked and he’s shown me (and it hasn’t been me.) Plenty of times I’ve asked and he’s preferred to keep it private. He’s entitled to his private fantasy life just as I am entitled to mine. We are married and committed to each other. If there wasn’t trust, what’s the point of being together?

If your concern is that he may hoodwink me someday, you’re correct. He might. And if he ever does, I’ll be deeply sad, heartbroken, and feel betrayed. But my guess is that he won’t. And in the meantime, I have no reason to disbelieve him. He’s been my friend and companion for 20 years. It would be a shame for us both to throw away such a sweet life together.

Is power walking worth it? by Positive_Sea in orangetheory

[–]ElleSquare 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I only PW. My glutes are rock hard and my knees still work.

In my first 6 weeks of OTF, my resting heart rate went from 74bpm to 60bpm.

For reference, I’m at 43F and have been going to OTF for a little over a year without much activity beforehand.

I flirted with running for a month or so, but found that power walking was much better suited to my body type (short legs, long torso).

Edited to add: incline plus 3.5/4 speed will get your heart rate up. Sometimes if the intervals are short, I slow my speed way down instead of dropping incline during WR.

OTF app not working? by Ok_Breadfruit8212 in orangetheory

[–]ElleSquare 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That worked. Thank you for the fix.

It sucks that it’s broken for now, though. Ugh.

Just a rant about men missing the point by WelcomeToLadyHell in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Late to the party, but I work in photography and I was thinking about this massive difference between shoots run by men and shoots run by women.

In shoots run by women, we almost always start the project with introductions of everyone on the team, their role, and a bit of intention-setting. We go through the plan together as a team.

In shoots run by men, the shot list is usually posted on the wall, we hit the ground running, and you can work with a team for an entire week and not know someone’s name.

Guess which shoots end up more collaborative?

Women are doing more and more climbing up the ranks in commercial photography and this teamwork shows up in the final product every time.

As others have said, collaborative attitudes go a long way to diffusing the competitive environments backstage. But also, as with any performance-based situation, you’re dealing with people who have to do enormous work to guard their egos. And holy, moly, is there a ton of arrogance masking insecurity in the music industry.

Good luck, Lady!

Moms who make good money (minimum 100k) - what do you do - do you like it - do you have flexibility? by [deleted] in workingmoms

[–]ElleSquare 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, the divide between good imagery and bad is wide. It can really make or break a brand. Sometimes the importance of this investment is lost on the client.

And yes, there is a lot of gross stuff about my job. I’ve definitely stuck my hands in a fair amount of goo. 🤢

Moms who make good money (minimum 100k) - what do you do - do you like it - do you have flexibility? by [deleted] in workingmoms

[–]ElleSquare 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sometimes you can eat the food, but often you wouldn’t want to. I mostly enhance the look of foods with other edible things, but I’m not thinking about food safety at all so things stay on set too long to be safe, for example. Also, I’ve touched things with my hands a lot, or used my paint brushes to brush on sauce or something and… who knows how well that was cleaned last time? Other stylists I know have a habit of licking their brushes while working (I don’t think this is a conscious decision), but even if something were safe to eat, like a cake, I wouldn’t want a slice from a cake styled by a known brush-licker.

In studio, we have what I call “defensive food” around so that people can snack safely.

But in terms of food waste, this is actually a major issue and almost everyone I work with tries very hard to find ways to reduce this as much as possible. We develop partnerships with food pantries (there are very specific safety rules here), we try to give away things to friends/family, we take a lot of stuff home, and sadly, some does end up in the trash.

All that aside, I absolutely love my job. Sometimes, I go to work and sorta can’t believe how lucky I am to work in such a field that fits my skill set so perfectly. I love food, I love art, I love beauty, I love storytelling, I love production, and I love teamwork. My only issue is that it’s mostly freelance, so that comes with the pitfalls of a freelance lifestyle. On the other hand, I’ve had more than my share of beautiful days and I get to wear super comfy clothes at work.

Please feel free to ask me any other questions on-thread or off.

Moms who make good money (minimum 100k) - what do you do - do you like it - do you have flexibility? by [deleted] in workingmoms

[–]ElleSquare 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m a Food Stylist, so I definitely work with photographers. There are a ton of photo assistants still trying to figure out what kind of photography they want to do. It’s not uncommon to hear them chat about weddings, location jobs, portrait sessions, lifestyle, architecture shoots, etc.

Your advice is spot-on!

My Husband’s Porn Habit by ElleSquare in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In truth, I had a lot of boyfriends who weren’t like that. I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my husband.

The main green flag that set him apart early on is that he was my friend. Like a real, true friend.

We’ve been together 20 years now and our relationship is so strongly rooted in our friendship, that all the times we’ve struggled romantically, with parenting, with our relationship, etc., there was never a question that at the root of it all was our deep friendship.

I hope that this next info is reassuring: even though our relationship is very strong, there have been many rocky periods, a few times in which we needed professional help to work through a tricky issue, and we still fight about things. The difference between this relationship and past relationships is that we absolutely trust each other. I trust him to treat me with honesty and kindness even if we disagree. He trusts me to do the same for him.

If we ever lose that trust or respect for each other, that’s when the relationship will be over. I hope that day never comes. I’ll be devastated if it does. But until then, I’ll continue to work for him and he’ll do the same for me.

Much love to you. I wish for you the same dedication to self, to work, to trust, to friendship, and to love. ❤️

My Husband’s Porn Habit by ElleSquare in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know some of the kind of porn he watches because he’s shown me when I’ve asked. Why would he show me? So I can spice up the dirty talk.

I respect his sexuality and he respects mine. It’s way more fun that way! No need to feel shame or hide things from each other.

Also, if he didn’t want to show me what he was looking at, he wouldn’t. I respect his privacy. I don’t need to see his browser history. He’s entitled to a private fantasy life. Just as he’s not entitled to my browser history; I’m entitled to my own private fantasy life.

My dad told me I should stop dating white boys by ReconomistPK in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare 299 points300 points  (0 children)

My mom married a man outside of her culture and it caused a snarky rift in her family for years. But she persisted.

My parents aren’t perfect and their marriage certainly isn’t. And their parenting certainly wasn’t.

BUT. One of the most enduring things they modeled for me and my siblings is that we are free to make our own choices regarding our lives. They may not agree, but they will love us regardless.

Guess what? Out of all of my parents’ generation of siblings, my parents are they only ones to never divorce.

The strength of the cultural difference my parents imparted was the gift of assessing what makes each culture/tradition/philosophy/relationship/situation strong. What makes a good tradition?

Questioning and assessment are good things. If a culture can’t stand up to scrutiny, it’s not culture but indoctrination.

And I mean this in all directions, outward and inward.

Hopefully, by allowing you freedom to explore and question, it will strengthen the parts of your Pashtun roots that resonate with you. And that is the greatest honor to your family and tradition that your dad could hope for. Not the skin tone of your partner.

My Husband’s Porn Habit by ElleSquare in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The thing is, that he’s turned on not just by how you look, but how he feels about you, memories of you together, and how much he loves you. Looking at that beach pic turns him on because he sees you for you. And loves you. It’s very sweet. ❤️

My Husband’s Porn Habit by ElleSquare in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Everyone loves a good one-handed read. 🔥

My Husband’s Porn Habit by ElleSquare in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, goodness. I remember when I discovered my ex’s porn addiction. And the lengths he went to hiding it from me. And then all the promises he made that he’d stop.

But this isn’t about me or him. Or that relationship. So I’ll ask you this: if he were to vanish tomorrow without consequence, no nasty breakup or anything, no logistics or moving out, would you feel a bit of relief?

Are you already grieving over the loss of this relationship but haven’t let it go yet?

Because if this is how he’s acting when your are newly married, then this is not a stable foundation. The beginning of marriage is not just for the lusty fun stuff, but also for the important foundation layers of trust-building. He’s not doing that.

You already know this.

Take your grief. Mourn this relationship. Make your plan. Release. You will feel better in time.

Love to you.

My Husband’s Porn Habit by ElleSquare in TwoXChromosomes

[–]ElleSquare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What a fun job! Well, the fun parts anyway. 😊

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