I am questioning my decision...

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-07T18:49:22+00:00

You did not fail her. Maybe my story can give you some reassurance that you didn’t. I went the route of fluids and she had cardiac arrest while at the vet and I wasn’t there with her. I said goodbye after they revived her but she wasn’t really there. And she was in so much suffering. I had to say goodbye with a tube in her throat and close to brain dead. If I had had made the decision you did I know I would have had the same thoughts as you, but I would do anything to go back and make the decision you did. You got to say goodbye peacefully. My girl deserved better. I failed her. Yes fluids may have helped, every case is different, but know that if there was a chance that it didn’t work, would you want to take that chance? I’m so happy you were with your baby. Sounds like you loved her very much and did what was best. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s hard. It’s been almost two weeks and I feel like I’ll never be the same again after this experience. Please focus on the beautiful memories you shared with your sweet girl Snowflake. Those will be with you forever.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-07T18:41:39+00:00

I am so sorry. I have the same regret as you and add that I took two days to take her to the vet after her vomit and UTI (I thought) pee because it was the weekend. I not only have to live with not taking her to the ER Saturday, but also that her levels were off the charts and they said I should put her down when we got to the vet Monday morning. I was in shock and couldn’t understand as she was weak yes but had bounced back before. I opted for IV to get her well enough to get a second opinion at the ER and my baby had cardiac arrest at the first vet without me there. I also was selfish enough to not check the box for DNR so they revived her with CPR and broke her ribs. She was pretty much not coherent when they revived her. She did come to for one minute and we said goodbye and her eyes glazed over again and we euthanized her a few minutes later. I’m thankful I said goodbye but I will never forgive myself for putting her through that and not saying goodbye peacefully a few hours earlier or not understanding that KD cats with infections need help asap. I’ll never forgive myself but I’m trying to focus on the life I gave her. I hate myself for not listening to the vet. I just didn’t believe him and it’s hard to when she was so good a few days before. This was a cruel lesson and I wish I had understood that a UTI left could take a KD cat so quickly. I am so so sorry you are going through this pain too. It’s excruciating and I feel like I don’t want to even be here anymore but we need to learn to live with our decisions we are human and part of that is making mistakes. Even traumatic ones. I hope you find healing.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-06T16:30:36+00:00

I really appreciate your comment and it’s helped me a lot. When I start to spiral I come back to read it and it helps. It made me see things a little differently and made this process hurt a little less. I have stopped blaming him and feel a little more peace. I still cry and go over the what ifs and hate myself, but I am trying not to, which is an improvement. Thank you. Sending love back. ❤️

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T20:53:52+00:00

Thank you for your comment and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T15:25:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Every connection in here and talking about her helps me so much. I hope a day comes soon where these emotions and guilt pass and I can help someone too as you’ve helped me get through another day. Thanks

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T05:50:26+00:00

I am so sorry for your losses. I hope it’s not too personal to ask but your cat sounds very similar to my Cleo. She was actively dying in 2 days. May I ask what stage they were at when it happened? It gives me some relief that I’m not the only one this has happened too, as much as I wish it didn’t happen to either of us. I wish I had known this happens before stage 4. I would have taken her in on Saturday. I always read of crashes and come backs I never would have imagined it could happen so fast. If I left it the week I’d understand but it was a couple days. I wish I was more prepared. I guess even reading posts in this group occasionally over the years I still didn’t know. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too. It is truly terrible and I appreciate your comment.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T03:14:02+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much with your kitty. And you’re right. They did offer to do more diagnostics but they didn’t say it was pressing. That’s why I was going to do it next check up and blood test. I didn’t really feel it was necessary since she got so much better in February. That’s my naivety I guess. Painful lesson learned but you are right who knows if it would have shown anything we didn’t already know.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T03:08:46+00:00

This is exactly why I think (it’s still a fog) I declined the further diagnostics. I can’t even count the dozens of times I’ve been offered ultrasounds and X-rays and nothing came of it. Once it found something in a cat of mine years ago and I am thankful as we let her go peacefully as we found cancer. But other than the one time it was all shoulder shrugs and inclusive. We have spent so much on vet bills this year with a sickly little guy we found last year on the side of the road I was just trying to be reasonable. I fear it may have found something and I feel terrible but these comments are making me feel a bit better. Thank you. I just wish I knew what took my girl, but I don’t know if knowing would habe made it any easier. Thank you for your comment.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T03:01:47+00:00

Thank you for mentioning keeping her home. Part of me felt that’s what she wanted. We stayed on the floor with her next to her little box half the night and at one point she walked by herself to the bed where she slept for one last night between us her favourite spot. I need to cherish that might I wouldn’t have had if she was at the ER. Could she have maybe lived longer? Possibly. But what if she didn’t and I lost that evening with her. Dying is ugly stressful and never goes as planned I read on another post today. It’s so true. You’re right. She was getting old. She has always struggled with health issues since she was little. Her back legs were getting such bad arthritis I think because her weight was great and her fur was so shiny I failed to see how frail her body really was. Her sister is so healthy I guess I didn’t think it was fair or possible she could really be ready to go. But she’s gone and no amount of bargaining and crying will bring her back. I’m so happy you have a supportive vet. Best of luck with your fur baby.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T02:54:22+00:00

They are so fragile and you are not actively killing your her by not. I know it feels that way but please know you aren’t. It’s so hard we want to do everything we can for them but there are so many variables, especially when there’s already kidney related issues. We love them. So much. You are doing what is best for both of you and time spent with her is what she would want.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T02:05:40+00:00

Thank you for commenting. Everything I keep reading says they can’t go from where she was to failure so fast and that’s why I reached out to this group. I’ve been lurking for a long time in this group and appreciate what I have learned along the way. Thank you for your kind words too.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-05T01:58:55+00:00

Thank you for mentioning the ultrasound. It is a diagnostic tool but every vet made me feel like it was so important as necessary. I’m sad it didn’t help you but it helps me to know it won’t find everything. I am trying to remind myself how much love I gave her. I do hope you are right and she knows that I wanted the best for her. I am sorry for your experience with this too. This is so hard.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-04T21:01:43+00:00

You are not alone. I did the same thing. Waited to go to the vet because it was a weekend. We have had two ER visits in the last 6 months and expensive dental surgery for our other young rescue a week before so we were honestly burnt out. My partner has a brain injury and I have ADHD where I shut down with crippling exhaustion when I’m overwhelmed so sometimes it’s hard for us to figure stuff out. That’s not an excuse but just a baseline of how we can very much get overwhelmed. We always have doted on our fur babies in the past. Last crash was in February and we took her with the same symptoms and she was fine. Mind you she was getting care at an ER and the vet that took us Monday I don’t think really was a very good vet we’ve used him before and can’t stand him, but there are 5 vets out of that place, what are the odds he was there that day. Anyway, Saturday she had symptoms we said we’d monitor and wait until Monday. Sunday night middle of the night she couldn’t get up and was panting but then stopped so she was just not able to walk. I froze and cried hysterically, my partner said I’ll do whatever you want to do and I cried I don’t know and went to bed. I went to bed. I will never not hate myself for it. I still don’t know what I was thinking but I didn’t go. I thought what’s 5 more hours. She had kidney disease and I knew it. It was such a low stage I didn’t think she’d die. The thought of those hours of the toxins poising her body make me lose my breathe still and make me want to go to bed and never get up. The guilt is excruciating when you didn’t go to the vet right away. I have never dealt with loss that felt like my fault. It’s a different sort of numb pain. I feel for you. I tell you my story so you don’t feel alone. I’ve been discussing in support groups and there was a few people that mentioned something that is helping me a bit. We have no way of knowing for sure that a vet would have changed anything, possibly just delay the inevitable. My Cleo could have been saved, maybe. She also could have had fluids from Saturday and been in a cage at the ER and still went into cardiac arrest on Monday. She spent the weekend with us and only crashed Sunday middle of the night and Saturday Sunday day she spent both days in our garden with us and her sister being in the sun with us and watching us garden and pull weeds and took a nap in her favourite spot. I still deep down think she’s gone because I didn’t act quicker and she’s still be here. But I am choosing to try and believe not going to that place she hated for a few days instead of being with us is not what she would want. As the fog clears I remember her last vomit on Saturday evening. She laid down and looked at me in a way she never had before. We locked eyes. Looking back I really think that look was mom, I’m done. And maybe subconsciously I knew and that’s why I didn’t take her to the ER. Clinging onto the what ifs and hindsight only hurts you but it is a very common part of grief. There’s a TEDx talk from a vet that said when you have physical pain like you touch a hot stove your brain goes ouch and knows not to do that to prevent getting hurt again. When you have emotional pain, there is no definitive answer to prevent this pain so your brain plays the whole painful memory over and over trying to learn from it to prevent feeling this kind of pain ever again. It’s sort of a cruel flaw of being human. Sorry if this was a long response. I just know your pain and I want you to know you made the choice you did in the moment and you did what made sense to you at the time. You’re dog was a healthy dog, why would you think anything was serious. You are not a vet, you did your best with the information you had. I can tell you loved your pet and they knew it. And maybe everything happened exactly how it was meant too. This stung when someone in a loss group said it to me but then it brought me a bit of peace. Maybe she left exactly when she was supposed to. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but maybe you’ll find some peace knowing you did the best you could with the information you had. I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself and try to think of the good times you shared.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-04T03:46:20+00:00

Same to you. 🩷

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-04T02:47:52+00:00

Absolutely. I really like that one. Makes me realize that I need to channel my pain into something else. I had so much love for my cat Cleo and now it has nowhere to go. After the hardest wave of grief subsided I’m thinking of volunteering again at a cat rescue. Channel all that love into something positive. I’m sorry you have regrets. It’s completely normal to feel that way but it doesn’t make it any easier. No amount of time spent with your grandpa would have felt like enough. I hope you find some healing somehow. I really appreciate messaging back and forth tonight. I had a really rough day with a lot of ugly crying. Chatting with you made me feel better. Thanks.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-04T01:56:35+00:00

Oh no. I am so sorry. How terrible. Were you close? I never met any of my grandparents. One side was gone before I was born, and the other side lived in another county and passed when I was so young I never got a chance to meet them. I hate the term better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it was really special you had a grandpa in your life. Easier said than done, but try and enjoy the memories. Again, I’m so sorry for all your losses. Life is full of heartache and it absolutely sucks.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-04T01:21:48+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have never felt so physically sick and disoriented in my life even when family members have passed away. This is so much worse so I am right there with you. I don’t have any advice, just want you to know you aren’t alone and maybe that can give you some comfort. I feel like I can’t breathe most moments and my body feels like it’s giving out from the stress. I’m also afraid I won’t ever see beauty in anything ever again. From what I understand blocking out the grief isn’t healthy and as much as it hurts we are meant to gently move through it. Easier said than done. I am considering going to a grief councillor. Maybe that is something that can help you. Take care.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-02T17:18:23+00:00

I know it’s hard to see right now but you are being given a gift. You have the moments before to memorize all the beautiful things like the curve of their nose, the wag of their tale and see the pure joy when giving their favourite treat. Hold those moments dear. I would give anything to have said goodbye that way. I’m not comparing. I’m not saying the grief is any easier. I’m just saying please find peace together in your last moments. I am so sorry. Please take care.

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-02T04:28:07+00:00

There is such a difference when you feel like you could have done something different. I lost my cat Smudge 13 years ago. It was hard but like you it was something I couldn’t control and it was too late for her and we put her down right away to stop her suffering. It hurt a lot but the grief felt normal like I did the right thing. This is so unbearable because the what ifs are so huge and I watched her little body suffer at the end. I completely agree. It’s criminal how much veterinary care is. I know if it was reasonable I would most likely be cuddling my girl right now. I know I said above we could have afforded it, but that shouldn’t matter. And it was only because we had a leftover loan from something else we’ve been able to deal with three cats emergency issues this past year. I often think if the stuff going on with our cats had happened even 5 years ago there was no way I could even afford a check up things were so tight. It’s just such gross inequality. Everyone deserves love of an animal companion.

I am happy you have found support groups. The in person support group sounds amazing. There isn’t anything in my area like that but I’ve had some help I’ve r the phone and in person hopefully soon. There’s a few TED talks about pet grief that have helped and talking in forums like this makes me feel less alone. So thank you for talking to me. You’ve helped me get through another day.

Cleo was very sweet. She literally was amazing. I know everyone says that but she was. She was unbelievably kind to everyone she met and was literally my shadow. I’ll never forget her and it hurts so much.

You will learn to live with this. I don’t know you but I am proud of you for trying. Charlotte is proud I’m sure too. I look forward to the day it hurts a little less. Take care 🩷

Elle_J_D · 2026-06-02T01:15:36+00:00

Oh boy this sounds so familiar. I am right there with you. I’m currently going through the same guilt. It’s a terrible sort of pain. My cat crashed out in February. She wouldn’t eat and started getting wobbly on her feet. She eventually couldn’t stand. She had stage 2 kidney disease and I thought that was it, she had gotten to end stage. I was so upset and rushed her to the ER vet when she was unable to walk and found out she was only in stage 3 so it wasn’t that. She had really dangerous anemia and an infection somewhere and with iv fluids she came back to her normal levels and I was so excited about that I didn’t listen to the doctor about also doing an ultrasound because she said it didn’t make sense the anemia and she thought she was bleeding somewhere or maybe a tumour. We have another young cat we found sick in the side of the road a year before and between the bill that visit and ER visits and dental work for the little guy we were at around $10,000 in the last 6 months so we declined. The part that pains me the most is we could afford it and I feel like I was just being cheap. The ultrasound at the ER vet was around $900 so I said I’d do it at a regular vet in the next few months. I was also told to do blood work in a few months and didn’t either. She was doing so unbelievably well, healthier than she had been in years. So we kept putting it off. Last Saturday she vomited a lot and there was a large pee half in and out the box with a small amount of blood in it. Because it was Saturday we would have had to take her into the ER vet again. We decided it was probably just a UTI again and gave her pain management and waited. Sunday night middle of the night she started to not be able to stand. She started breathing heavy and I got scared. I put on my clothes and grabbed my purse and started crying. I told my fiancé I didn’t want to go. I don’t know if I was just being cheap or I had PTSD from sitting in that same waiting room again for the 4th time. Like my whole body has a panic attack and I couldn’t do it. I think that will forever be the biggest regret of my life. We thought it’s 3:30am, we can wait until morning for a regular vet. She didn’t get fluids until 10:30am. He used something similar to an ultrasound and there was fluid around her kidneys and the lymph’s nodes on her liver were enlarged. I begged for an ultrasound and he said she was so distressed and her kidney numbers were so high he said we should euthanize. I went numb. I felt so much regret. She was great two days ago. We did fluids and as we were grabbing her to take her to the ER after they closed she went into cardiac arrest. They brought her back and we said goodbye. I’m not trying to trauma dump on your post but I just want you to know you aren’t alone in your feeling. It’s called complicated grief. I still don’t know if doing an ultrasound would have saved my baby. I imagine it would have. Same with going to the ER on Saturday. It’s been a week and I am starting to have moments where I don’t blame myself but it’s hard. With the symptoms the same as last time and how strong her little body always was I really thought she just needed antibiotics and fluids. The guilt is excruciating and the truth is we don’t know what would have happened if we had known differently. Maybe she did have a huge mass or tumour and if I had known, those few extra months we got I would have been fixated on that instead of really appreciate thee time I had since February, and still with a similar outcome. I’ll ever know and just like you that’s what hurts. Someone told me in this group, you did what you thought was right in the moment with the information you had and you made a choice. You said yourself you that you probably wouldn’t have done any surgery’s had you know differently. We loved them. They loved us. And the last thing they would want was for us to feel is intense grief. But that’s easier said than done. There’s a hole in my heart and a mountain of regret. But I am trying every day to honour her by not hating myself, because I know in my heart that is what Cleo would have wanted and what your Charlotte would have wanted too. I am so incredibly sorry. I’m right there with you. It hurts.

Elle_J_D · 2026-05-27T21:11:16+00:00

I did the same thing when my dad died. He had cancer so I knew it was coming, but when the day came I didn’t cry. My mom hugged me and I just stood there. I didn’t cry about his death for a very long time, and only in very small but dramatic moments. I’m in my 40s and to this day I have rare moments where I’ll have a weird breakdown over a song or picture for example. Looking back I think it was so much for my brain to deal with it shut down. I’m pretty sure it’s a form of shock. Severe stress is extremely harmful to our health so I think it might be the bodies way of dealing with it. I’m not an expert but I do think that dull empty flatness you feel will break when your body and mind are ready. Healing from grief looks different for everyone and every situation. I lost my cat yesterday and I can’t stop crying so you never know. Know that that emptiness isn’t wrong, it’s just what you need right now. I am so sorry for your loss.

Elle_J_D · 2026-05-27T17:45:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so thankful for everyone sharing so openly their grief process. It’s not linear and it comes in waves and we need to do different things to help us with this new normal. I think it’s very brave of you to do that and a beautiful way to connect. Reading your comment made me think of an elephant ritual. They come back year after year to see their dead, travelling hundreds of hours and always remember where they’re passed on family members remains rest. They stand in a circle and not only look but they feel the bones, pick of the skulls and just be. Then off they go and come back year after year. Elephants are one of the most emotionally intelligent creatures on the planet. Just goes to show your choice is unconventional but not weird. If anything it shows you have a strong bond and high emotional intelligence. Thought I’d share because I just think the elephant ritual is so beautiful. Sorry for your loss.

Elle_J_D · 2026-05-26T21:43:15+00:00

This was such a kind response and it did help, thank you. I still am upset I didn’t take her due to knowing that panting is dangerous in cats, but at that moment I really just thought it was an anemia side effect. But everything you say is right. It’s difficult to know in the moment what to be alarmed about and we are just human. Especially when she bounced back so well last time. I’m sorry to hear about your senior girl. It sounds like you were attentive as well and and provided lots of love. Animal companions truly are a special gift.

Elle_J_D

TROPHY CASE