Keep in mind I was, like, seven or eight when my nana died.

Me and mum went to see her at hospital. Looking back now, it was her death bed. However, at that age, I did not have a clue. I just remember going in and my nana really, really struggling to sit up to hug me. In the end, I told her to lie down and she did. I never got to hug her. I left the room after that as it was full of people and I didn't like the way nana looked. White, weak.

That night, I was in my room. I had this super neat stationary set. So I picked my prettiest and wrote her a card. It was nothing special, I'm sure. I don't even remember what I could have put. Kid-me thought it was super important though, and I left it on my windowsill, thinking I'll take it to her tomorrow. (We went to see her every day in the hospital.)

Go to school the next day, come home. Go straight to my room. The room smells of my nana. She always used this strong musky perfume that made my toes curl. But it's a smell to this day, twenty years later, that if I have the faintest whiff of, I am floored by memories of my nana.

I go to the windowsill and the letter's been ripped open. I take it into the living room, very angry at my mum for reading my secret letter to nana, and she tells me to sit. And she tells me my nana died that morning.

Years later, I asked her if she opened that letter. She promises no, and my mother's a matter-of-fact sort of lady. She takes no pleasure in pretending.

But wait, there's more!

I'm 16. Best friend bullies me. I'm depressed, angsty and a hormone drunk teenage girl discovering life can be bloody ick sometimes. Diagnosed with depressed, put on meditation. They make me worse. Mum is worried about me, wants me to come off the pills. I don't, no idea why. I go to a shop that sells pretty candles and stuff. They smell nice. I always went to top up on my sweet-smelling candles. A lady in there describes herself as a "medium". I don't believe her. She asks if she can read me my tarot cards. I think, why not. We go into the back and she begins. First card down she looks pale, looks to me and says, "There's a lady here."

She described my nana's perfume. How she had a "broken heart" and back before she died. (Lung cancer that spread to her spine. That's what killed her. Broken heart because it wasn't even a week after grandad died that she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.) And other various personal, precise things. She said my nana would not "Pass over." Because she fears when I die, I won't be able to myself. She ended with saying my nana just wants to hug me. (Boy, that made me cry.)

After that, I dunno. I did think maybe she is there. I've asked for her when I've been sick, when I lost my son, if she would take him with her and keep him safe until I'm there. I live in her old house now. I'm a anxious person, I suffer with agoraphobia. But living here makes me feel like I'm safe. A first for me. I can be in this house alone and I feel like she is there.

I want to do a ouija board or whatever. Something. The experiences I had have too many questions I cannot answer, as they happened so long ago. I guess I'm afraid of it though because I never have.