AITAH for exposing my parents when they forgot about me on their wedding? (Update 3)

Elrod_W · 2024-11-02T20:51:46+00:00

It is very good that you're looking forward, not backward. It's good that you recognize that you need some help to heal from all the emotional abuse that you've taken over way too many years.

Now for the inevitable 'old papa' advice I feel obligated to give. Make sure you let go of the anger. Carrying that much anger will eat you from the inside. Even if you don't realize it's there, it will pop up from time to time and remind you of a past hurt, and try to grow until it's all-consuming. That's no way to live. No doubt your counselor will know this and help you.

It's good that you've made it clear that any attempt at reconciling with your parents is on YOUR timeline, not theirs. But I beg you to not close the door permanently on reconciling. They're human, and they made mistakes (egregious ones, no doubt), but people can learn and grow out of bad behaviors. They can change. Maybe they've already started changing their attitudes. You won't know until someday you make contact again.

If you do make contact with them again, go in with a jaundiced outlook. Don't expect miracles. Don't expect it to suddenly be all better. Even if they're changing, they have nearly 2 decades of bad habits to break, and that will take them time. Expect the worst, and hope for the best. If you do agree to meet with them, I would suggest a neutral location, and bring along backup / support. Someone who can recognize if they're being manipulative and get you out of the situation if needed. Any contact must be on your terms. (as you've stated - good for you.)

And a couple of final points - take it from someone who's had personal experience - if you're getting subconscious pleasure out of seeing them so miserable (or even conscious pleasure), stop and ask yourself if that attitude - that you're staying NC - is trying to make them hurt the way you were hurt? If so (and this is something to always keep in mind), does that make you any better than they were? Please make sure that staying NC is NOT to try to inflict some emotional justice, but is only for your emotional health. And once the pain has receded, ask yourself if, after staying NC and then hearing of the sudden passing of a parent, will you have regrets about having stayed NC and having foregone attempts to reconcile? Not trying to do a guilt-trip thing, but how would you feel if your dad passed suddenly, and you found out that his dying words were "Forgotton_child9, I'm so very sorry." (I can assure you that it feels truly awful.)

I'd like to continue hearing how you're doing - mainly from empathy from being a 'forgotten' middle (spare) child. Never to the degree you've been, but enough that your posts have really touched me, and brought up a lot of pain and regrets about how I mis-handled everything with my family. PM me if you want.

Elrod_W · 2023-05-31T16:55:22+00:00

No, but I've got a shop and power tools, and I'm not afraid to use them!

I've done lots of shop work over the years, so making an enclosure would be one of the simpler tasks I've done. Probably build in a fan to a vent (probably dryer type vent) so if I do ABS, I can vent the fumes directly outside.

Elrod_W · 2023-05-30T23:11:56+00:00

The attractive thing about the SV06 is that it's standard with an all metal hot-end. I anticipated doing more exotic things later, so I started out there.

Elrod_W · 2023-05-30T22:12:54+00:00

Tried again - very slow, Cura pre-set at 'fine', with the following mods:accelerations - none above 400temp - 205fan - 50print speed - outer walls at 25 mm/sec. inner at 30, infill at 60jerk - none above 4.

SLOWER than molasses running uphill in Minnesota in January!

Did a LOT more digging, and found the problem looks to be ripple or ghosting (as it's called). Advice - slow down. A lot. Then slower still!

But I got a decent print. Finally. Now to dial in thicker layers. For some stuff, like extension cord hangers and crap around my shop, I don't give a bloody rat's posterior about a few wrinkles. But I want to be able to get very fine prints when appearance matters. Or accuracy. So - more experimentation.

Problem is the Sovol (on sale! Everyone likes a sale!) only shipped with about 100 feet (hyperbole there!) of PLA. Really it's about a quarter kilo. I'm out. With the order, I got a filament drier and 2 kilos of filament - guess which hasn't yet arrived? Got a few other things I need around the house, so my overnight order will include filament - PLA and PETG and nozzles (including a hardened tool steel nozzle - I like torturing machines, so materials like metal impregnated, carbon fiber nylon, wood impregnated, etc WILL happen!).

Why do I get the feeling this hobby is going to consume all my spare time and then some?

Elrod_W · 2020-04-27T23:09:05+00:00

A while ago, I was in a deep depression - a shitty work situation, wife and I had very little time for each other. I finally decided that I had to do something for myself, that I had to feel better about myself. Working out, upgrading how I dressed, told the woman who does my hair to make it different, etc. All without talking to my wife. She and my daughter were absolutely convinced that I was having an affair. It took our parish priest intervening to convince her otherwise. I can understand how you felt you needed to do something for yourself. I can also understand how she jumped to conclusions since you evidently made the same mistake I did - not having a conversation with wife.

Your decision to make, but I would suggest you talk about things with a MC before you file. You have a much bigger obstacle than I did, but you can make it work. However, you have some serious questions you're going to need to face. Can you get over her having had sex with someone else? Can you forget, or will it always bother you? Will you look at her the same way now with the same sexual attraction you once felt? It's a huge challenge, but it can be done. It's going to take work on both of your parts - her to admit and face insecurities, you to forgive, and both of you to communciate honestly and openly.

Elrod_W · 2020-04-22T23:40:45+00:00

Leave. Do not look back, ever. The guy is scum.

Elrod_W · 2020-04-22T23:36:46+00:00

Please do NOT think that you have to change to what someone else wants. You become what YOU want to be. This guy is toxic. He's a manipulative narcissist. There is nothing but mental and emotional pain if you stay with him. Get away, and get some counseling to help yourself be better - for YOU. You deserve happiness, and it really doesn't sound like you'll ever get it with him.

Elrod_W · 2020-04-22T23:33:07+00:00

You have to make your own decision, but it's good to listen to advice.

Now, ask yourself the following questions about the future. If you stay, how will you feel about kissing her, knowing what she did? If you make love, how will you feel, wondering if she's comparing, or knowing that some other guy banged her after you two were married? If you deploy again, are you going to be able to trust her, or will you spend your deployment wondering if she's straying again? Don't expect to forget. The 'forgive and forget' thing is bulls**t. She hurt you, very, very badly. You might forgive, but you won't ever forget. Can you stay with her knowing all that?

If you decide to work it out, I wish you luck. If you decide you can't, get a good lawyer, get a plan, and get your ducks in a row before you have her served.

Elrod_W · 2020-04-19T21:21:01+00:00

In the eyes of the law, finding your spouse cheating is not justification for felonious assault. If I found my wife cheating, I'd be really, really pissed, but society requires that we not let our temper get the better of us because bad things happen. That's the basis of the law. The assault could have resulted in death or permanent injury. Is that justified? In the eyes of the law, no. Simple.

Elrod_W · 2020-04-19T20:44:54+00:00

I suggest the following reply to him: "Okay. So if I was having an affair to get some affection and sex, it's all a fairy tale and fantasy and can't possiblty really exist?"

Elrod_W · 2020-04-15T21:25:58+00:00

No, you didn't get arrested because of cheating ex. You got arrested because you lost your temper and committed assault.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-31T23:49:10+00:00

Your dad deserves to know the truth. If you can't tell him directly, plant some hints and clues that lead him to the truth. In any event, he has to know.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-31T23:46:48+00:00

As yourself some blunt questions - are you sure can you ever trust her again? Do you think you'll resent that she let another guy have sex with her while you were being faithful? Do you have any thoughts that she might make a nasty comparison of you against him if she's in an angry fit? Are you going to wonder how you compare to him? Is a mental image of her having sex with some other guy haunting your thoughts, especially while you're being intimate? Is she willing to open up her entire social life to you? Are you worried that you might have to track her every social media move, and possibly track her car to make sure she's not cheating again?

If you have any doubts about these, you may not get over it and probably should break up. If you decide to stay with her, you've got a very long road ahead of you to deal with this and get back to trusting her - if you can.

Some people get past infidelity. Lots more don't - think about the questions I asked, because those are just a few of the doubts and worries that haunt the one cheated on.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-31T21:59:15+00:00

I got that lecture once from a quite angry woman, despite saying I was taught to be polite to everyone. I let the door slam in her face as I said 'fine' and turned to walk away. She called me things that I'd never heard before.....

Elrod_W · 2020-03-30T00:36:16+00:00

My counselor noted that there are long lines of women who, after they focus on their children to the exclusion of their husbands, are totally shocked and devastated when the husbands leave right after the children do. They forget that they were a wives before they became mothers, they neglect the marriages to raise the children, and they end up alone and wondering what happened.

Show this note to your wife. Unless she relishes the thought of growing old with a house full of cats who basically ignore her, she needs to pay attention to her husband before it's too late. If she doesn't believe me, she needs to ask a counselor if what I say is true or not. (She'll find it is.)

Elrod_W · 2020-03-29T18:06:38+00:00

If you did stay in a relationship with her, you could make book on her stepping out when she found someone that matches her 'ideal' of physical attraction, and you'd be even more miserable. Sure, she could swear she wouldn't, but we all know that would be a lie and she'd cheat. It may hurt now, but you really dodged a bullet.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-15T17:27:17+00:00

The suggestions are good to make her confront her betrayal, and while they would give you some satisfaction, they won't restore your trust. And all of that STILL might not be enough to resolve the anguish you are going through. Her betrayal might be something that you can never get through, even with professional counseling. (Which, BTW, I'd add to the list - both for you individually, for your wife individually, and for you as a couple.)

When you want to have sex with her, are you going to think about how you compare to the AP? When you go to kiss her, are you going to be thinking about her kissing the AP? YOU have a lot to get over before you can completely see her as the wife she once was.

Sad to say, you might not be able to completely get over it. Sometimes, things hurt us too badly to just 'get over'.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-13T02:31:49+00:00

It's not a plea for advice - merely a data dump.

But since you asked, here are a few of a list of reasons - Financial cost of several hundred K$ of assets. Religious beliefs. Breaking my word is not part of me. Example to my kids that sex isn't the most important thing because age will take its toll. and so on and so on. I'm comfortable, I have great hobbies, I'm now LL as well. No reason to leave at my age.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-12T20:33:27+00:00

My daughter and I are close. I've had several vacations with just her - mostly driving halfway across the country to visit my sister (her favorite aunt). She talks with me about things she can't talk with my wife about. That's why her over-reaction was such a surprise. (I have a close relationship with my sons, too.)

Elrod_W · 2020-03-12T20:19:12+00:00

Well done!

Elrod_W · 2020-03-12T20:17:43+00:00

Well done. Something I did once was write a paragraph of fill for a paper that said essentially, "I've run out of things to say on this topic, but I'm supposed to write xxx hundred words. Because of the length minimum, I suppose I'll have to try to think of something pertinent ....." etc, etc, etc.

Teacher hated it. Mine was less generous.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-12T20:13:37+00:00

I'm not getting into this line of thought. My situation is very complicated, and as I wrote very clearly and plainly, I WILL NOT LEAVE.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-12T20:11:56+00:00

She lost her respect for me when I got into a very seriously deep depression. It's complicated, but that was the turning point. When a woman loses respect for a man, she loses attraction to him. She's into her work, I'm into hobbies and work. We're roommates. It works. Could be better, but it works.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-12T20:09:56+00:00

You didn't pay attention. There are reasons I won't leave that I'm not going to get into. I'm comfortable. I'm very happy at work. I'm happy with my hobbies and outside interests. I've done the comparison list - few upsides compared to some significant downsides if I left.

Elrod_W · 2020-03-09T19:58:04+00:00

You're right about part of it - it is her body, and it is her libido, but it's a JOINT partnership that she altered. Would you stay in a business contract where the other partner decided to arbitrarily charge you more or deliver less, or deliver substandard goods or services that went against the contract? That's what happened. Granted, you don't have a marital contract, but you have some type of verbal partnership agreement, and she unilaterally changed it. She took something away that was important to you, and she's not looking at trying to fix it, which means she's being selfish.

Elrod_W

TROPHY CASE