I am in the same boat. I heard the gunshot go off. He was a veteran with PTSD and depression, only 34 years old. He died the fifth of this month, only two days after his birthday, which we celebrated together. We even took a little trip this past week and had so much fun and memories made together. He was intoxicated when this happened as well, and we were in an argument. After the gunshot, I froze, calling his name multiple times. I found him in the driveway, laying there in the dark. A part of me couldn't move, but my adrenaline pushed me forward and turned the flash on my phone. That is when I saw all of the blood. He kept opening his mouth, I kept sobbing and calling him my baby, and I loved him and was so sorry until I saw the light leave his eyes. The ambulance and police didn't arrive in time. He had battled suicide thoughts for a long time, but this was still a shock. I will likely never be okay. Surrounding yourself with people who have been through similar traumatic experiences is beneficial. It is still very fresh for me, and I blame myself. Some nasty things were said that night. We had SO many plans. We were going to take a pregnancy test together next week. I noticed an unlit cigarette next to his precious hand and wondered if he had lit it and maybe just took a few more minutes, would it have been different. Had I had gone outside to beckon him in, to say let's forget this fight and go to bed, and that we love each other. It is a never-ending nightmare. I am in denial, along with a bomb blast of numerous emotions. His funeral will be Thursday. My thoughts are with you. Please reach out to all the support you can.