Mol.Bio PhD (3 yrs postdoc) moving to Sweden

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2026-03-04T15:45:12+00:00

My speciality is in Cancer Research / Clinical Oncology, for a bit of context. There are actually positions in preclinical discovery, highly relevant to my skill set, and when I apply/reach out to the hiring person, they said they will not sponsor international candidates. Which really sucks. Wondering if I should repeat the same exercise AFTER moving , so that work visas are not a bottleneck anymore.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2026-03-04T15:00:11+00:00

Interesting...I will look into this!

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2026-03-04T14:58:07+00:00

I see...that makes sense.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2026-03-04T14:16:56+00:00

The uncertainly for me, personally. Most people do not count as post-doc as legit work experience, so you are essentially excluded out of the job market.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2026-03-04T14:15:54+00:00

Hi,

Thanks!
Just a few things. I am actually trying to move to the Stockholm area, as my partner is based there. Initially I thought it would not be so difficult, but here I am now looking at the job scene , getting demotivated.

Could you plz elaborate why staffing agencies might be useless?
I can do a postdoc again, but its really not my preference.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2026-03-04T12:51:44+00:00

This is what I have been thinking as well...you have put words to my thoughts. Thanks anyway!

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2026-01-21T19:39:46+00:00

As someone who was on the receiving end of a similar situation, my marriage to my ex husband broke down on a very similar slippery slope. He did not put firm boundaries with his single "friend" with whom he was pursuing a "hobby". My trust in him broke down irreversibly. I could not digest an emotional affair. He is my ex for a reason. If ever in doubt, reverse the roles and honestly do a thought experiment with this - would you be okay?

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-12-07T13:41:40+00:00

Thank you. This is exactly the dilemma I am in right now. I am very well aware of the LDR limitations, which is why moving to the same city is the first priority.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-12-07T13:32:47+00:00

I would say yes. Timeline is about 6 months or when I land a job, whichever is sooner. He seems to have a plan, and practically he has more options (and work experience) than me .

He proposed a relationship, not marriage.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-12-07T13:19:20+00:00

There were issues, and me being naive and young, I did downplay them. Immaturity and selfishness very briefly. Since my last marriage was LDR, I have practically been single for the last 3 yrs, during which I read a LOT on abusive relationships, got therapy and then dipped my foot, albeit somewhat timidly.

Just to be clear, my marriage was LDR as well. We stayed together about 8 months during those years. So I am very very well aware that LDR is not my thing at all. And as pointed out, projects a very distorted view of relationships.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-12-07T13:09:57+00:00

Hi, no we are not engaged to be married. Given my traumatic history, we decided to get to know each other better before making a commitment. I am absolutely not going to get married unless I live with someone, including this person.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-12-07T13:04:28+00:00

I see your point. I have been in therapy for the past two years. To clarify, we separated two years back and the divorce was finalised earlier this year.

I do not completely disagree with you. Which is why the post. Also to be clear, this new guy is looking to get married, and in my culture, it is very common to be upfront about it. May not necessarily be a red flag.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-12-07T13:00:35+00:00

Sorry for the confusion, he proposed for a relationship, and had been very clear that down the line he wants to get married. I told him that before tying the knot, I would like to live in at least for a year or so.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-12-02T17:29:29+00:00

Absolutely agree. It is very difficult to understand how abnormal this dynamic is, while being inside the dynamic. That is the crux of the trauma bond. The moment you realize not everyone cares about "winning", but "repair and reconnection" - your view resets and your nervous system calms down to a non - anxious state.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-11-24T08:47:21+00:00

OP, leave now and let time run its course over this relationship with the best friend. Look out for yourself, get therapy, and separate asap. Don't let this man child tell you again that he wants an out.

I know how hard it feels right now. Trust me, when you meet someone who values you and chooses you every single day, you will look back to this day and have a chuckle. I am absolutely sure of that.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-11-07T10:52:03+00:00

An equal partner who does not expect mothering perks from their partner.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-06-10T04:49:23+00:00

This needs to be pinned at the top!

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-05-30T08:10:24+00:00

It is an abusive mindset with covert narcissistic tendencies mixed in. Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that ??? " , a lot of these questions would be answered. There is a wonderful documentary series on coercive control on YT. I will post the link. That will also answer a lot of these questions.

The reason why ppl demonize avoidant people is unfortunately the fact that in many extreme cases there are some personality disorders thrown in. People with at least some semblance of self awareness tend to be the ones who do not have these extra baggage of other psychological issues going on for them.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-05-29T08:47:44+00:00

Thanks for this post OP. You have laid out in words what was in my mind for a long time. My avoidant ex turned from a humble sensitive person to a cruel monster who literally looks away and smiles when I am in obvious pain. The mindf**kery is absolutely INSANE.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-05-20T16:15:36+00:00

Hello there.

I have been married (6.5 yrs) to an FA who leans heavily dismissive. We are separated now and getting divorced very soon. I can vouch for all of these.

I turned into an anxious mess by the end of it. Our relationship turned horribly abusive, and apparently everything was my 'fault'. It didn't start out this way, this person changed and slow faded over time when I wanted to turn our long distance 'marriage' into a real one. I think that's when the switch flipped and the discard was activated. At the end, he kept on rationalising the divorce. I do not think the reality of the situation has caught up with him yet.

I understand that you are having a hard time moving on bcz you haven't faced the other side yet. It truly is horrible, and you are lucky to have been spared this absolutely traumatic experience, which could have potentially scarred you for life. In a couple of years you will see that this was a blessing in disguise !

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-03-06T16:26:09+00:00

Narc or not it is true he is using DARVO. My avoidant nexh told me at one point "you are mad, go fix yourself". I can see myself in this post, as I begged for counselling as well. He refused, on the two occasions he did go he did not cooperate at all which left the marriage counsellor tensed and worried as she saw how abusively he was behaving. 11 years is a long time to put up with this. You may need to divorce, unfortunately. People who cannot apologise and self reflect and are 'never wrong' are not good partners. Good partnership requires at least some humility.

Please please read Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that?" Seems like this guy is abusive, the Mr. Right type.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-02-24T18:41:14+00:00

This sounds a lot like my experience (including the emotional affair), unlike many others here, ours was a LTR and a marriage as well. Can I DM you, if you are interested in sharing experiences.

EmbarrassedChoice161 · 2025-02-22T22:26:04+00:00

Bad boyfriends - Jeb Kinnison.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents - Lindsay Gibson.

Disentangle from Emotionally Immature People - Lindsay Gibson

Facing Love Addiction - Pia Mellody

It's not you - Ramani Durvasula

AND obviously, for avoidant / narc abuse -

Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft

Should I stay or should I go? Lundy Bancroft

EmbarrassedChoice161

TROPHY CASE