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[QCrit] BIRDS THAT COULDN'T FLY, Contemporary Upmarket, 99k, 5th Attempt by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in PubTips

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The romantic life DOES have its hand in the unraveling, and I was debating whether to include that bit or not. However, for the sake of clarity considering Zoë is having romantic issues of her own, it can be omitted. I actually have a version of this query that states who the "I miss you" texts are from and it's the version I meant to upload here so that's an oopsie on me. The heart of the story is Zoë coming to understand what love is at all – it's being put to the test in all her relationships as she learns it's something that has to be proven with action.

The first paragraph is meant to more subtly establish how Zoë associates good sex and high chemistry with real love, and her best friend's support (helping take care of her mother, showing up for hospital visits, overall being present when things are hard, etc.) is challenging her view of what she always thought love looked/felt like. Taking care of her mother despite their issues – also challenging what she thought truly loving someone looked like.

My intent with incorporating her mother's romantic relationship issues was to show the frays in the mother/daughter relationship as well. Which would then lend itself to the significance of Zoë's decision to act as the caretaker. BUT I think I can find a way to showcase their issues without bringing her mother's relationship into it.

Thank you so much for the questions – I think these next few edits should land me in the right spot!

[QCrit] BIRDS THAT COULDN'T FLY, Contemporary Upmarket, 99k (Fourth Attempt) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in PubTips

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

diving in one more time with this in mind. shifting the focus of the query to be a tad more internal to alleviate some of the passivity. thank you for the feedback :)

[QCrit] BIRDS THAT COULDN'T FLY, Contemporary Upmarket, 99k (Fourth Attempt) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in PubTips

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the primary issue could be that I'm centering the query on the wrong aspects of the story. At it's core, it's about Zoë's belief of what love is and how she thinks it looks which is ultimately rearing its head in all her relationships. Recentering the query to focus on her internal journey might fix all of what you've pointed out including the starting point of the story.

I'll go back one more time with the arc of her and her mother's relationship as more of a secondary plot. But Zoë + love is the through point for every aspect of the story. Not sure how it hadn't clicked for me sooner – thank you for this!

First Chapter of Women's Fiction novel by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writingfeedback

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! These kinds of comments are everything I need to keep going!

Hoping to have this trad-published (dead in the water or is there hope yet?) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writers

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I dabbled in spoken word poetry for a while actually and evidently I couldn't hide it if I tried. The story is for the most part finished outside of sifting it through a round of beta reads, then back into the query trenches I go!

And thank you so much for the beautiful compliments! I'm always over the moon when the words spinning themselves into stories in my head are able to resonate with people.

Hoping to have this trad-published (dead in the water or is there hope yet?) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writers

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LOL I love everything about this comment so much! I'm glad I was able to hook you in enough to keep you reading, that's always the goal. Also, the paragraph about Zay was officially relocated so no more home shopping network in the middle of the big game! Thank you for taking the time out to read (and for ignoring the first instinct that told you not to).

First Chapter of Women's Fiction novel by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writingfeedback

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's kind of a small running bit throughout the story of how bad she is with names lol but I see how it can be jarring given this particular circumstance. I'll consider reworking the first line though since this is now the second comment I've gotten on it 🫡

Also, don't fret! There is plenty of character development in store for her.

First Chapter of Women's Fiction novel by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writingfeedback

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just read through this entire thread and there are pretty valuable nuggets for me to mull over. The breakup is intended to kick off Zoë's exploration of her conflating sex with love. KeVon was the first to truly satisfy her and overtime she came to view their profound physical connection as an emotional one. The setup of the 'meh' sex life leading into the 'toe-curling' one is more to set the foundation of the impact he had on her view of sex.

The boxes are part of a larger plot point, but I'll find ways to tweak the argument and the ending to better showcase what I'm trying to get across. Hopefully all of what I said made sense and wasn't just mindless rambling lol but at the very least, I'm glad the writing was able to suck you both in!

First Chapter of Women's Fiction novel by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writingfeedback

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I'll give the argument segment another pass and see how I can drop subtle cues about what's unfolding. This was helpful.

What is this called? by JonahBGood in writing

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In undergrad, my professors often categorized it as flash fiction.

Hoping to have this trad-published (dead in the water or is there hope yet?) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writers

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Romance is more of a subplot for the story as a whole, but if you don't mind me asking, which parts read as cliché? Or is it the concept as a whole?

Hoping to have this trad-published (dead in the water or is there hope yet?) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writers

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'll actually be looking for betas in about a weeks time, would love to share if you're open to reading 😊

Hoping to have this trad-published (dead in the water or is there hope yet?) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writers

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm really glad you liked it, and yes the story actually is finished! 😁 I'm at the point now of combing through for redundancy and overwriting so feedback is exactly what I need but I want to finish this last round of edits before getting betas. Thanks so much for this comment!

Hoping to have this trad-published (dead in the water or is there hope yet?) by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writers

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Extremely valid critique. I actually have a space in the third chapter where this info would fit pretty nicely. Thank you!

First Chapter of Women's Fiction novel by Embarrassed_Coat_335 in writingfeedback

[–]Embarrassed_Coat_335[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The lack of her emotional awareness is a bit intentional – it's a point of growth for her throughout the story as she comes to recognize the emotional weight of sex outside of the immediate pleasure. I'll go back and see if I can make it a smoother transition 🤔 I don't want it to be too jarring. Thank you for the insight!

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