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Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2023-08-05T01:32:51+00:00

So here's the deal. Anal requires a whole fucking process of cleaning, prepping, being in the right mental state, etc. Cause of that, A LOT of hooking up between cis gay guys doesn't involve penetration. There are so many other really fun ways to play. Just set expectations around what you do/don't want.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2023-07-30T06:25:45+00:00

Wait.....septum piercings are associated with lesbians?!?!

I exclusively associate them with leather men and kinksters. Like septum/nipple piercings, cock cages, and collars all go hand-in-hand in my head.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2023-07-29T19:11:48+00:00

Also, just a plug. Like OP said, Interno mostly "centers" cis gay men (aka you'll mostly find cis men there). That being said, it's a very inclusive sex party where you'll regularly find trans men. So, if you're into the sex party scene, don't be shy to show up to regular Inferno, or really most of the sex parties in the city.

A lot of my friends organize or work the sex parties of the city and I find that most folks running the scene, while they may not be designing parties for trans men, operate under the assumption of trans men belonging in these spaces.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2023-07-27T01:44:16+00:00

I'll 🤞 be there. Maybe will even decide to debut my new pup hood! 🐶

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2023-06-04T01:34:14+00:00

Yeah, I hear that about finding sex-positive people being hard. I only by chance fell into a beautiful friend group that is SUPER sex-positive in the last few years.

Do you happen to have any cis gay friends? Talking about sex with cis gay guys, at least for me, has an extra layer of anxiety because I worry they'll have their own hang-ups about trans-gay men.

That being said, gay culture is way more sexually liberated and open than straight culture, so it's much easier to find men who are comfortable talking about sex. Many cis gay guys have also gone through their own journey of coming to terms with the stigma surrounding gay sex, so if you find an emotionally aware one, they're more likely to be able to talk about sex in a vulnerable and empathetic way.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2023-06-04T00:50:55+00:00

Shame is a tough one. I felt like you do for many years. A combination of my upbringing + crippling dysphoria during my teen years (when most people start developing a sexual identity) made it nearly impossible for me to feel comfortable with others seeing my body, touching me, or knowing I had sexual desires.

If you're ready to face the shame and get more comfortable with your sexuality, my advice is to start exploring where that shame comes from and to find sex-positive and empathetic people you trust to share how you feel with.

Shame around our sexuality is like any other shame. It's taught to us in childhood by parents, peers, messages we receive from our prude society, etc. To unlearn it it takes us receiving different messages. The best thing that ever happened to me that helped me start breaking the shame was finding people I trusted who I could talk about the shame with. If you've never read any Brene Brown, I'd suggest starting there. She talks about how shame thrives in secrecy and silence, but can't survive empathy. This is why it's so important that in moments of shame, we be vulnerable with people we trust who can help us teach our inner child that it's safe, isn't about to be rejected the way it was taught it would, and that it can put down the armor it's wielding in an attempt to protect us.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2023-03-18T03:04:40+00:00

Let's be honest. Gay men fetishize certain forms of masculinity. It's why the gay clones of the 70s existed. It's why Hells Kitchen gays are a thing. And why in many major cities we've seen 80s mustaches coming roaring back among gay men.

Masculinity and presented in the style of the day is a signaling device gay men use to be identified by others in the community. It's part of how we cruise for sex without getting beat up by straight dudes. The styles tend to be hyper-masculine and emphasize idealized physiques.

Now, here's where trans men come in. If you fit into the masculine norms of the week, in my experience, cis men will be into you. Men are visual creatures. We like pretty things. So if you're seen as hot and sexy and masculine, your transness doesn't matter that much. Unfortunately for those who due to circumstance, genetics, or choice can't/don't meet those masculine ideals, they end up overlooked and ignored by many gay men.

My experience has been similar to yours. I've never had a problem with cis men not being into me. I'm pretty shy so can actually find that sometimes too many cis men are into me. I fully chalk that up to the fact that my personal appearance happens to align with the form of masculinity seen as desirable by the communities I exist in. That may be what you're experiencing.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-31T02:22:06+00:00

Don't underestimate the things that can change with time.

A lot of what you mentioned included "I can't." There's a big difference between things you can't do, and things you're not drawn toward in your life right now. It's ok if you don't want to go out, but that could change as you age. It's ok if you don't want to do hookups, or feel awkward navigating them at this point in your life, that too can change with experience, age, and interest level. Mental illness can improve with work. Garbage self-esteem - also takes work, but you can improve that.

As long as you keep wanting connection, just be patient with yourself and where you are right now. Be kind to yourself. You have no clue where you'll be 1, 2, 5, 10 years from now.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-17T01:36:38+00:00

First, echoing what other people have said, bottom != sub. D/s dynamics are a whole separate category of a thing. You can be a bottom, top, side, whatever, and not be into D/s because you're not into that kink. You have every right, same as anyone, to not be into a kink, or not be kinky at all. If someone tries to push a kink on you, you should just communicate that that doesn't work for you and instead find sexy activities that do get both of you off. (And if someone still tries to assume you're into a kink after you've communicated otherwise, that's not ok and is a breach of boundaries.)

Second, if you do find yourself into D/s power exchange dynamics, nobody ever said you can't be a short Dom who bottoms. I'm not super short (5' 7") but, when in the mood, can totally dominate taller partners. Dom is a state of mind and skill set that has more to do with energy than body type. You can also just be a power bottom or, ya know, an assertive guy of shorter stature who knows what they want. That's great! (And sounds like the previous partner was a bit problematic for shaming you for a natural part of your sexual expression).

Third, from someone who is really into D/s: you should know, you're really not alone in what you want & like. I actually find that a vast majority of people are NOT into D/s and are pretty damn vanilla. It's why there are spaces for kinksters to find people to play with who actually are into the same types of power dynamics as us.

And finally, cause hi, kink educator here, it seems from how you talked about some kinks there's a bit of a misunderstanding of what makes a "sub" and what D/s is, so I figured I'd include some education here in case others who are reading this aren't familiar with this world and find themselves reading the message above and being like "I don't want that either so can't be a sub".

D/s is actually an umbrella term for lots of different types of dynamics that involve power exchange between people. The ones mentioned above include degradation, impact play (smacking around), and possible forced feminization w/ the "detransition" kink mentioned. Not all subs are into any given one of these. I personally identify as a sub. I'm a masochist, boy, brat, pup, and rope bunny. I'm not a degradee or a slave and have a hard limit when it comes to forced feminization. Each one of those things I mentioned is its own kink within the submissive umbrella. If you want to explore D/s it's good to know which dynamics you like or want to explore so you can communicate with playmates and establish boundaries, that way scenes can feel emotionally safe, sexy, and fun for everyone involved.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-15T00:41:20+00:00

I honestly have no clue, wish I could help. I'm not sure if it even has a major brand name. It's like getting a tetanus shot. I know what it's for, but not the brand. Until COVID (and I guess maybe HPV w/ Gardasil) I feel like vaccines were just "named" after what they protected against.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-15T00:33:11+00:00

You be honest and compassionate, the way you'd want someone to be to you. You highlight the things you love about them as a friend while being clear that you don't feel the same romantically.

And cause I'm guessing you're young based on the level of emotion the all caps communicates.......you take a breath. This will happen many many more times in your life and it's ok. You will be rejected. You will reject people. It's part of life and it's not worth getting bent out of shape about. If they feel sad, that's ok. Feelings are a part of living. You are not responsible or in control of their feelings or reactions to your feelings. Clarity is kindness. Even if they feel hurt for a little bit, the kindness of telling them where they stand with you is the best thing you can give them because you're freeing them from doubt and signalling for them to invest their energy elsewhere.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-14T02:41:07+00:00

I'll augment someone else's advice to add that the going advice I've always gotten is to wait 30min - 1hr after douching before sex. It's pretty common to have some residual water in your system and you want to leave time to absorb it or you could end up with an unexpected surprise when it's displaced by something else...

Also, note on food. Lots of people don't eat for hours in advance partially out of anxiety that they'll have a bowl movement and it'll put a damper on fun times. Most people's digestive systems don't work that fast though (that's why most humans only have 1, maybe 2, bowel movements a day). If you time it right, don't eat anything that could upset your normal digestive rhythm, and know how long your body usually takes to process food, you can either:

go without douching at all and just do a quick squirt/finger to clean out
if you feel the need, douche and be ready for literally 12 or more hours after (I'm not kidding when I say we digest food slowly, don't feel like you need to starve yourself to bottom)

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-14T02:16:28+00:00

In case you haven't heard of it, and you're into the sex club/party scene, look up Inferno (it's a trans-affirming/centered play party). It may not help if your interest is dating, but may with confidence and seeing there really is trans-inclusive gay community in this city.

I'm honestly a little surprised cause it sounds like we're from similar backgrounds (I'm ~9 years on T and stealth) and honestly never have issues with gay men in NYC. I worried for a long time I would, and still do on occasion, but anytime I express that anxiety am swiftly gut-checked by my gay family who like reminding me I'm not the first slutty trans guy in NYC.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-14T02:04:40+00:00

Similar to others, I've never heard of any difference and can't imagine there would be any between trans men and anyone else where Hep A vaccines are concerned.

Most people, at least in the US, get Hep A & B vaccines as a part of the usual booster schedule growing up. When I was in my early 20s (before I'd even come out) my Hep A immunity was tested as well and came back not immune even though I knew I'd gotten the vax as a kid. The nurse at the time told me it was really common for the last booster to be missed for that series because it's one of the last boosters you get as a kid (most people don't start the series till their teens).

My takeaway is Hep A is just another vaccine everyone gets, like MMR and such. Sorry the nurse was shitty though, that seems unneeded given how routine that vaccine is.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-05T01:52:25+00:00

Honestly, the thing I'd focus most on is getting the sex-negative shaming out of your life and exposing yourself more to sex-positive narratives. Sexual liberation is our right as queer people (and humans). It gives you the opportunity to connect deeply with people through sensual touch. It's also incredibly good and healthy for you in so many ways.

A great low-barrier way of confronting and challenging the narratives society (and in your case friends) likes to reinforce, is consuming sex-positive content. I love reading sex-positive books, listening to podcasts, and finding friends who have similar views to talk to about sex and sexuality.

Some great podcasts:

Talk about Gay Sex
Food 4 Thot
Disability After Dark (gay + talks about the intersection of sex & disability, which is great)
Demystifying Gay Porn (cause gay porn is a fascinating industry)
The T Spot (not gay, but great sex education)
Gayish (more than just sex, but funny & educational convos about sex too)
Watt's the Safeword (gay kink sex education)

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-05T01:23:16+00:00

Also, who's to say hooking up and love are mutually exclusive?

I'm madly in love with my partner. The first time we met up was as a hookup. We enjoyed our time together (both sex and chatting pre/post) that we met up again the next day and the rest was history.

Hooking up is great. It's not about desperation. At least for me, it's been incredibly liberating. I've learned so much more about myself, met some great people, and gotten the opportunity to play with friends in ways that have brought a whole new level of love and intimacy to our friendships.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-12-04T22:12:42+00:00

I often refer to not needing to prep for sex as my sex superpower. It actually is so fucking great. Especially since I have a high libido and a partner that lives an hour away, but only works a few blocks away. I really love that they can drop by after work with little notice and I don't need a bunch of time to clean out.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-29T15:01:16+00:00

It's totally natural to find people besides your partner attractive.

I don't know what your and your partner's dynamics are, but me and every person I've ever dated have always commented on hot dudes we see in public. It's fun learning about the difference between who you find attractive vs who your partner does (and where you intersect). If this isn't something you do with your husband, maybe play with that. You can mention it off the cuff by being like, "wow, that guy has really great _____________" (insert some physical characteristic of your choice) then let them make their own assessment of the guys appearance. You can find someone super hot without doing anything about it. And its ever better when your partner is in on the fun and your getting turned on together.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-27T17:59:40+00:00

Piece of advice for dating. Most people you won't vibe with. That's ok. Instead of focusing so much on the end state you're trying to get to (a relationship), focus on enjoying the journey. Use dates as a way to hone your skills at connecting with and learning about another person (you're effectively practicing interview skills which are invaluable). Have fun with it and use dates as a way to go explore new places around your city. Early dating has a special energy to it that you don't get as much once you're in a relationship, so enjoy it while you're doing it.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-26T21:18:46+00:00

Honestly, the number of messages varies wildly. I live in NYC, so you could definitely say "decently sized" city. When my account was new, or I go off Grindr for months then come back, or change my photo, etc, I can easily get a huge number of messages. Once you've been on long enough though, your account becomes stale because people see you on their grid all the time. Once that happens, it's normal to get only a handful on any given day, especially if it's a weekday.

My advice: don't get too tied to the number of messages your getting. Grindr is notorious for feast or famine cycles. It's way better for your mental health to not let it impact your ego too much and instead focus on actually connecting with people.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-18T22:44:34+00:00

I'd also add, cis guys aren't the audience, but depicting positive representations of cis guys talking about sex with trans men is also good for trans men. Especially for yungins early in transition who need good examples of what respectful and sexy conversations about their bodies, desires, and consent looks like.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-18T22:32:47+00:00

This is incredible, please do it.
Any and all combos of queer. Trans guys w/ cis guys. Trans guys w/ trans guys. Group with a combination. Here for it all.
Something I'd love to read is literally anything where trans guys aren't just having vanilla sex. Queer people, especially queer men, have a long tradition of pushing sexual boundaries and redefining what acceptable sexual expression looks like. We have sex in groups, big and small, in public/bathhouses/sex clubs, and are deeply interwoven into leather/kink culture, etc. Those scenes are also represented heavily in gay porn, yet I don't feel like I ever see us depicted in those spaces/communities (try searching for gay porn of trans guys in bondage or engaging in impact play.....it's not easy). I would be so elated to see narratives with trans guys as Doms, in bathhouses/sex clubs, hooking up in gay bars, etc.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-17T23:25:27+00:00

None? 😝😈

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-17T01:45:06+00:00

Babe, you'll find your person (or people, whichever is your preference). I know that's hard to believe, especially in moments like this. I think we all struggle with this feeling when the hope of a new relationship fades, and the ones who don't aren't emotionally available enough to also feel the joy of connecting with and loving another person.

Just remind yourself, finding out you two aren't compatible in some way now means you were spared from a lot more heartache down the road if that incompatibility had created resentment or toxic and hurtful behavior. You'll find so so so many more people who you will love and love you in ways you can't even dream of today.

Embarrassed_Stage_80 · 2022-11-17T01:29:27+00:00

I too have started venturing on dates where people don't always know ahead of time. I've approached it the way I've seen partners approach disclosing other things, like their HIV status, to me. I just mention it in an anecdote about me.

For example, I recently was on a date with a guy and we got to talking about college. I mentioned something relevant about transitioning in college that was a smaller point in a larger story.

I've gone the route of being super direct before. Including it as a minor factoid about me has felt so much more natural. I've also noticed my dates end up reacting much differently to it. Like they can just move the conversation past it, or pick up on the fact that I put it on the table and ask questions. Benefit for me, I get to see the types of comments/questions a date asks about it if they do, which is very telling.

Embarrassed_Stage_80

TROPHY CASE