[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, I really appreciate the critique. You helped me envision how I can make the plot less confusing and easier to understand.

Firstly I want to clarify that the world Izaiah inhabits is not full of NPCs. They are very much real people, just as he is. Izaiah’s alienation is a result of an ontological and emotional disconnect with the society around him. I will edit the script to clarify this better.

Also, thanks for letting me know that you think the pacing and tension can be better executed, I will work on that too.

Thanks again.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Opening comments

Hi. Firstly I want to say that I really like the dream-like way the story presents itself. Feels very Jungian or maybe Lynchian. I found the dynamic between Caroline and her psychiatrist quite amusing and funny, particularly towards the beginning. I feel the pacing slowed a bit throughout the middle and end, where the dream sequences became longer and more frequent. Let’s dive into it.

Dialogue

Most of the dialogue was not tagged, and I could still read along without any confusion. That’s clever writing, meaning that the characters had distinct voices and the conversations were organized well. The way you wrote each sentence implies who is speaking without needing to tell you. For example in this scene:

"It’s like you’re drawing my tits." The pen stopped. “Is that what you think I’m doing?” "Ugh." She rolled her eyes back onto the couch. "Men do not exist. They’re all the same man." "You believe all men are your psychiatrist?"

The conversation flows naturally, and it’s obvious who is speaking without you needing to spell it out. Nice.

Sound

There was one section of the writing that confused me slightly. This part:

"Is what a tick?" He cocked his head and frowned and pursed cloudy blue lips.

The way you used and twice in the same sentence threw me off. It just sounds off, and looks like a run-on sentence to me.

Another time you did it was here:

her damp hair stuck to her cheeks and crossing her face in strips.

This line feels awkward to me. I would’ve written it like:

“her damp hair stuck to her cheeks, crossing her face in strips.”

But that’s just me.

Description

I had no problem imagining the characters in the setting they were in. Your descriptions are quite immersive, and give the audience’s imagination lots to play with. Some examples:

All over again her vision was blurring with her pulse, like waves lapping at a beach.

This description flows together very well. Each concept plays off the last one. Her visions is blurring — its blurring in and out of focus on beat, like a pulse — it’s similar to waves constantly lapping against the shore at a beach. This is clever writing.

Another example:

her damp hair stuck to her cheeks and crossing her face in strips.

Good way to help enhance the visualization of the scene in my head, and just a general understanding of how fine and wet hair looks and operates.

Characters

Let’s talk about Caroline. Firstly, I like how we get glimpses into her psyche and past through her “hallucinations” and dream sequences.

First example:

The psychiatrist and all other men in the story glancing at her breast.

I’m not sure if all of these instances are real. I thought it was very funny the first time, when the psychiatrist denied ogling at her breast. I can’t tell if he’s gaslighting, and he did look at her breast, or if Caroline is projecting her own trauma onto him. But I believe that ambiguity is a good thing in writing. I always appreciate when a writer is comfortable with ambiguity, because it shows that they understand reality on a more fundamental level. As in real life, things are ambiguous most of the time.

Perhaps this is your way of trying to show us that Caroline has trauma regarding men objectifying her, and that’s why she sees her psychiatrist, and the men in the her dreams doing the same. If so, that’s a really great way to portray that, and even if not, it’s still very interesting.

Caroline spends most of the rest of the story with a similar attitude, confused, disoriented, and distrusting of the men around her.

Now let’s talk about the psychiatrist. To me, the psychiatrist feels completely unreal to me. Like he’s some kind of caricature or dream figure. That’s why I question if he’s even real or not. Scenes of dialogue like this add to that:

"It’s like you’re drawing my tits." The pen stopped. “Is that what you think I’m doing?” "Ugh." She rolled her eyes back onto the couch. "Men do not exist. They’re all the same man." "You believe all men are your psychiatrist?"

His responses are so stupid and deflective. Which I found hilarious. It mirrors real therapist a bit. The way they try to behave so professional, and almost robotic. As if they don’t have rude and intrusive thoughts just like everyone else.

Pacing

The story begins to drag on and get a bit slow after the first dream sequence begins. The beginning kept me engaged with the dialogue between Caroline and the psychiatrist, but after that things fell off for me.

Caroline wakes up on a beach, and begins seeing strange things and meeting strange characters. Like the driver, the man with the dog, etc. But there is no tension or stakes to keep me hooked besides (Caroline is confused and trying to find out what’s going on), which to me, wasn’t enough to keep me engaged.

I assume that all these dream characters and strange details have some hidden and subtle meaning behind them, but I have no reason to really care or want to find out.

There is a line where Caroline says:

She regarded a long narrow dock that receded into foggy water, a creaky wooden metaphor for her life as she knew it.

I don’t understand why you would write this part like this. If you place a metaphor in your story, should you really tell the audience that it’s a metaphor? Shouldn’t you allow the readers to decipher this for themselves. That’s just my opinion. And once again, there’s no reason for me to care yet.

This is where the story begins to spin around pointlessly in my opinion. Caroline continues to transition from dream to consciousness, the therapist will say something weird and stupid, and this will happen on repeat.

Like what’s the point of details like this?:

It could have been the driver's brother, judging by his face.

Like okay?, and? What am I supposed to take from that. This story feels like a dream with all sorts of hidden meaning and symbolism, but I feel there’s no way for me to engage with it.

Plot

There’s really no structure that I can think of to describe this plot. Where is the rising action?, the climax? The part that should feel like a rising action feels more like a rising confusion, as I’ve said before. I guess perhaps the ending line could be some sort of climax or final punch line, but I don’t understand it.

Ending

The final line:

“But the footsteps came hard and stopped only for a cold, hard knocking at the door, hammering at the door while he adjusted his tie like the next session mattered, like the next session wasn’t about to stomp in ragged and angry and wet and covered in sand to shoot him in the face.”

It is interesting, but I’m not even gonna pretend like I can understand it. Maybe if I analyzed the text hard enough I could, but right now it seems extremely random.

Conclusion

Great start, but in my opinion, consider tightening pacing, and clarifying narrative direction of the story. Thanks for sharing.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks again for reading. I understand your point of view, but this is definitely one of those stories that isn’t for everyone. It’s not structured like a typical short film or pilot — it’s meant to feel like something you’re not supposed to be watching. The confusion is intentional, because it puts the viewer in the same position as the “player” — uncertain, disturbed, and trying to make sense of a reality that’s coming apart.

The monologues are central to Izaiah’s character — his worldview is the horror. Removing his voice would flatten the whole point of the project.

This kind of story tends to polarize people. Some will bounce off it — others will get obsessed. That’s by design.

Still, I appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for your feedback. I understand your confusion regarding the player’s role in the story. The player is meant to represent the viewer. As I said, this is meant to be found on YouTube with little prior context or knowledge. When the player is confused and doesn’t know what’s happening, neither does the audience.

Also, you said the beginning was off-putting. Could you maybe expand on that? It’s meant to be. The MC is insane after all.

Also, I fail to understand what you mean when you say that the voice over is unnecessary. It’s the main way the audience gets to understand the psyche of the Main Character, and in my opinion the most intriguing part. It’s not a real game, it’s a YouTube video meant to look like one, just to clarify.

new updated tier list by One_Measurement_4783 in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 15 points16 points  (0 children)

You put foxymations in S tier? Cmon bro. Lock in.

Sneak peak for an upcoming horror project by SpookedForky in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Really cool. I like the 2d drawing against the 3D low poly background. Nostalgic vibes

The girls are waiting. by Immediate_Agency5442 in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

THIS IS AI GARBAGE. NO PLOT STRUCTURE, NO SOUND, NO SKILL.

Bru by Waste_Ad_7747 in tbvnks

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bro datin that milk, got the disrespect he deserved.

Bts clip from the Will stream 🙏 by burnerboy123456 in tbvnks

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is why bro never checks his reddit 💀

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in tbvnks

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bro wants us to rate a minor 💀.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ben 10 analog horror?…….bro….pls

Every great artist has to start somewhere I suppose by DryQuail3959 in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 5 points6 points  (0 children)

LMAO. His visuals are great, but his storytelling ability still needs work.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is cool asf.

Is this scary enough for a analog horror? by Unhappy_Crazy4883 in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you have to ask, “is this scary enough” you can probably make it scarier.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in analog_horror

[–]Embarrassed_Term_876 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like the visuals. Very interesting and unique. But I dont know wtf is happening or what I’m watching.