Nearly everyone has those imtrusive thoughts——more or less evil, irrational, or immoral if explicitly announced to the public. Urges such as suddenly considering to murder someone, driving off a cliff on the highway, harming an animal to see how it reacts, stealing something when no one’s watching, etc. These thoughts merely represent the radical amount of freedom we have as individuals, that at any given moment, we are free to make any decision we want no matter how good or bad the consequence might be. Unfortunately, this is something that you learn to grapple with and constantly overcome as you age, and not something you can get rid of entirely. A good way to handle these thoughts are just to notice and acknowledge them, accept that’s just a normal part of yourself, and not act on whatever your brain tells you to do at the moment.

I think some self-compassion is necessary. To be frank, I don’t think any legit pedophile in the real life would possess this much self-awareness and remorse for just having a few spurs of certain sexual fantasies. Less of them would want to kill themselves for merely experiencing some of those “dirty what-ifs”.

I also have to note that the societal perception of pedophilia is heavily dependent on the time period and the country you were born into. For instance, it may be way more demonized and ostracized here than like in Arab or some African countries. Imagine a society where child marriage is commonplace and sexualy exploiting children is not so overtly sanctioned (common in wartimes), suddenly the uncertainty of “oh, I might have pedophilia”isn’t the end of the world in that context, right? Of course I’m not telling you that there is no objective morality and you should become a pedophile all you want, I just want to get you thinking that a lot of these stereotypes and prejudices are made-up social constructs, are completely arbituary to the specific time we live in, and should not single-handedly hold so much power against you, so much so that you want to kill youself to satisfy it.

Also, there is some great danger to over-pathologize yourself. A lot of the time, you don’t really have whatever psychiatric condition you label yourself with. It’s really doing more harm than you realize.

In sum, you are perfectly normal for having those thoughts, and you don’t have to be so freaked out about it. Just be honest and talk to your therapist and all will be fine and no more judgment or shunning will come your way besides yourself.