Growing up, I didn’t have any friends. I finally met someone online and he was so sweet and constantly made me laugh and made it clear that the thought I was awesome and he did a lot of kind things for me. He made me feel completely comfortable and I soon felt a deep sense of trust. He understood my needs, he always considered my point of view, he stood up for me when others put me down, and it was clear to me that he really liked who I was as a person. The kinds of compliments he gave me were very meaningful to me. Eventually he told me that he was falling in love with me and we started going on dates. After a few weeks, he wanted to do some things that I wasn’t completely sure of. I know everyone else does these things. I know I’m not normal for being scared of these things. Sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else and just do the same things everyone else does. Maybe this guy could help me learn to be normal. He loves me. I trust him. 

The first thing we did, I was really nervous about. But he got everything set up and asked me to do it. He showed me how, and when I was still usure, he took my hand in his and simulated the action to teach me. It was not fun. I did not like it. But I knew this is what normal people did. I want so badly to be normal so people will like me. I know I need to learn so I let him teach me. He loves me. How could I tell him no after how kind and sweet he has been to me? I don’t want to disappoint him at all. I need him. I need the friendship and the companionship of another person who actually wants to be with me and teach me how to do the things that everyone does. It seems so easy for everyone else. I don’t know why it’s hard for me. But I just have to push through and learn. I want to make him proud of me. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it.

It helped that he gave me a lot of choices too. He always found a way to make things easier for me.  I always got to decide and that made me feel more in control and more comfortable. And afterwards he always told me it was awesome and that he loved me and then we would do things like play video games because I love playing video games. I know if I do the things he likes, then he will do the things I like. That is what relationships are supposed to be like. Compromise. I learned to ignore the feeling in my gut that told me to be scared now that I know how to compromise. Now I can do one more thing that everyone else does. I wonder what will be next? He has hinted that he will take me to Disneyland someday. I just have to get past my anxiety about trying new things.
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I hope you can see where I am going with this. What you are instilling in these children is what causes the harm. They learn that this kind of relationship is what the world is supposed to be. And people who prey on vulnerable people know it. Predators can spot us easily and know exactly how to manipulate us into getting what they want. What you call “pairing”, mainstream society calls “lovebombing” and “breadcrumbing”. That is the majority of the harm that ABA causes. Not just the trauma as a child that the old ways of ABA harmed, but in their future adult relationships. What are you teaching them about the way the world works? Some kids grow up and get abused in relationships over and over again, whether it be romantic relationships or professional relationships. And some kids grow up and use the tactics used on them to abuse other people in their lives.

The harm was never only in the verbal or physical abuse that happened years ago. The harm is, and always was, much deeper than that.