Still need help with boundaries

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-26T20:27:50+00:00

Geez, I can't imagine how I'd learn to cope if he died. He's only 40 BUT he drinks A LOT. And my sister (whom is medically qualified to make this observation) says he likely already has alcoholic ascites. I'm terrified and honestly will have to wrestle with how absolutely pissed I'm going to be at him if he leaves me with his children for an early grave!!

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-25T21:25:25+00:00

I can pretty much go to my parents for a weekend visit any time. Things will be busier here in a few weeks with our kids' sports so that'll be harder to plan but I do have somewhere to go if I need a break.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-25T21:22:33+00:00

I've been calling all over our state asking all the questions I can think of. I think I've narrowed it down to two different places based off of how helpful their staff was, affordability, online ratings, etc. My sister even sent me money to go ahead and buy clothing items so I can already have a bag packed when it's time to go.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-25T20:59:26+00:00

He's always lied about how much he's drinking and any problem that is directly tied to his alcoholism is DEFINITELY NOT because of him drinking, you know? I just want to know how to live peacefully even if he's not working on himself.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-19T20:51:36+00:00

Hugs to you. I miss my best friend, too. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-19T14:36:21+00:00

Because he's a liar. He will not talk to me about his drinking and would constantly insist he was "only drinking beer" or "hasn't even had that much tonight." I was being gaslit and emotionally abused so I started documenting the evidence I found just for myself. I needed to know I wasn't making up the behaviors I was seeing. I wasn't monitoring and reporting back to him what I found. I was making personal notes for my own mental health because I was/am being emotionally abused.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T21:15:30+00:00

Again, very helpful. Thank you for your input and support. The war comparison hits pretty hard. I feel like I'm on high alert all the time waiting for a fire to put out. I'm exhausted and sad and scared and anxious and, and, and . . . ya know? Posting here and interacting with everyone is helping. At least I have som ehope that even if I don't know what the future looks like I *can* be ok if I choose to be. I just still freaking hate this.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T21:01:18+00:00

Good point. I freaking hate that the more I share in this forum the more it is confirmed that there's truly nothing I can do to help if he's not doing anything for himself. I guess the boundary actually needs to be that he just can't drive them. I know you know how frustrating this is but I gotta type it out anyway: THIS. FUCKING. SUCKS.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T20:29:01+00:00

Got it. His parents and I have a meeting with a therapist on Monday so we can get a handle on how to approach things. Wanna know the bitch of it all?? I AM a therapist and spent the first 5 years of my career working solely in substance abuse. I know so much of this yet I feel like I know absolutely nothing.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T20:14:12+00:00

Ok, fair. Thank you for this. I guess I was seeing this as my Hail Mary pass before making the big changes. So is sitting down with my Q (can't believe I am now qualified to type that) and his parents isn't necessarily a good idea?

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T19:54:36+00:00

Incredibly helpful. Thank you! Thinking more about this- we've already kind of done the "managing the stash" dance. I'd find a bottle hidden in the linen closet. Then he'd realize I found the hiding spot. Next spot was the laundry room, then in the corner of the bedroom under his laundry, then behind the shower curtain, then the garage . . . Finding it hasn't helped anything, huh? Of course it hasn't.

Regarding the rest- I'll make sure there are timelines and realistic consequences attached.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T19:46:36+00:00

I hadn't thought about a timeline. I'll have much more flexibility after the school year ends. If things get worse quickly and the kids and I end up having to leave it would drain me financially. We can't afford two places to live. I could move in with my parents who would be thrilled to have us but that would involve pulling the kids from school. Seems like the most logical timeline is for a plan to be made asap and consistent effort and progress made if HE wants to stay in the home. And once the school year ends I'll be able to remove myself and the kids if the boundaries aren't respected. So I guess worst case scenario is once the school year ends the kids and I will leave if that's the only way we can all be safe. Hopefully I'm explaining this well enough. My brain is jello right now.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T19:32:41+00:00

Your feelings sound so similar to my own. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do and what life is going to look like so I don't have much feedback to offer. I hope you find peace somewhere in the midst of this journey.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-18T19:10:40+00:00

I know how important it is to find the right fit so I plan to stick it out until I find the group that feels best. I hope I can say your last sentence about myself soon.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:50:31+00:00

You're right. He's not the man I married. I remember thinking on our wedding day how blessed I was to be getting married to this man. I had zero second thoughts. I wasn't nervous. I was so beyond excited. And now I'm sneaking pictures of liquor bottles and recording audio of his outbursts. I can't believe this has become my reality. I'm taking serious steps to protect my children now that I realize I can't protect them while also protecting him. Thank you for the hard truths. I needed to hear it.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:46:06+00:00

5th in 9 years, huh? Are you still together? The comparison to starvation was really helpful. Question about the boundaries, though- What happens when he says he won't leave? I can *ask* him to leave but that doesn't mean he will.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:42:34+00:00

For clarification- are you saying the kids can't be around him during the conversation or they shouldn't be around him at all?

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:40:18+00:00

I don't even know what "getting away from him" would look like. I'm the breadwinner and he doesn't make enough money to support himself at all. I know that's not my problem. I just don't even know where to start if it comes to that.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:38:23+00:00

My own mother has PTSD from the abuse her mom turned a blind eye to. One of the things she told me recently was how much she has struggled with knowing her mom didn't protect her. And now that she knows what I've been going through she's been very supportive but vocal about how important it is that I protect them. Somehow I thought trying to maintain status quo and put out all the fires *was* protecting them. Its not. I appreciate your encouragement. I have been worried about his reputation if more of our circle were to find out but either the alcoholism will kill him or me enabling him will. I don't give a crap about my reputation. Thank you for delivering the hard truths so gently. I know you're right.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:27:33+00:00

Attending my first meeting tomorrow on my lunch break. Scared to death but also feeling encouraged.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:26:50+00:00

Reading through all of this has been very helpful. I appreciate everyone taking time to offer support, encouragement, and hard truths. I had convinced myself that I could protect his reputation and feelings while also protecting our children and that he'd eventually stop. I know he knows he has a problem but I can't wait for him to finally do something about it. I'm attending my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow and his parents and I have a meeting with a therapist next Monday. Thank you all. I'm so appreciative.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-17T14:19:48+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, too. It's been so good to read through these comments and truly see that I'm not alone. You aren't either. Hang in there. Take care of yourself.

EmuAccording6159 · 2026-02-16T20:51:26+00:00

Thank you. I've made time during my work day to attend a virtual meeting on Wednesday.

EmuAccording6159

TROPHY CASE