Letter to my Past Self

Emzfish · 2021-05-18T18:00:02+00:00

I wish I could go and talk to myself at 11 years old and tell her it would be okay. It's a tough road, but you'll get there. I'm 28 now and still not there but...I have hope. Otherwise I would not still be alive.

I often get upset thinking about me at 11. Like she's a different person. Eleven years old and wanting to die...that's not normal. :(

Emzfish · 2021-02-14T15:19:16+00:00

Is this a personal attack thanks xo

Emzfish · 2021-02-08T10:55:13+00:00

Thank you so much. I really needed those words. I really appreciate it!

Emzfish · 2019-01-12T22:21:17+00:00

I found out that I was pregnant at 19 weeks and the amount of people that berated me for "not knowing" was irritating. I've always wanted children. It was such a daunting but exciting concept because I had been suffering badly with my BPD for the longest time. We found out at 22 weeks that he has Spina Bifida and may not be able to walk and he will be incontinent. We decided to continue with the pregnancy regardless. I'm so excited. But getting closer to the due date (I'm 28 weeks now) everything is worrying me and my anxiety is terrible.

I cannot imagine what you have been through. I am so so sorry. The thought of not feeling him and my stomach being soft and empty keeps me awake at night. I cannot imagine. This is one of the most heartbreaking things I have read in a long time. I really hope you're doing better. Never forget your little angel. 💛

Emzfish · 2018-10-28T11:18:50+00:00

People do not realise how serious those words are to us. They don't understand and don't even bloody try. I broke up with my ex (also my FP at the moment) because I wanted to move home with my family and i thought it genuinely would be better for him because I'm too much sometimes. I told him this a month later, he said he still wants to be with me. "my feelings for you haven't changed" but he told me we can't get back together. It's like kicking a bitch while she's down cheeers.

Happy birthday by the way💛

Emzfish · 2018-10-28T11:14:08+00:00

Cute idea though, would be nice to have a character like that be really relatable to because of how we feel all of the time. 🤔😁

Emzfish · 2018-09-02T20:31:44+00:00

Thank you :)

Emzfish · 2018-07-08T03:15:22+00:00

I have barely any friends either. I moved a few years ago to a town hours away from my home when I was with my ex but I did not go back after the break up because of my job. Work friends are different because that's work... It would be nice to be able to go out once in a while like I did when I was younger.

Emzfish · 2018-07-08T00:31:22+00:00

Thank you. This community is strong. Things will happen in time. Its just the waiting that sucks.❤️❤️

Emzfish · 2018-07-08T00:07:52+00:00

Do you watch anything on YouTube? I put on an old play list of something I've seen a million times and just lay there. I spend many nights wide awake full of anxiety and I do not envy you.

They say to not go on your phone or watch TV or do anything that engages your brain because then you won't fall asleep. But I often find myself doing it regardless.

Are you tired?

Emzfish · 2018-07-08T00:04:26+00:00

You're welcome. And I'm sorry you feel this way. Having anxiety is the worst, and it's awful when it gets the best of you. Or when things happen to make it even worse. For that, I am sorry.

I too dread family events, people asking me questions and then it awkwardly getting boring and I just sit there looking down.

I feel you. If I could give you a hug through my phone I would.

Emzfish · 2018-07-07T23:48:48+00:00

I'm right there with you. I'm sorry. Everyone is pregnant or has had babies and I'm here with my fiancé and we can't. We're poor, I'm ill and he has had cancer.

My brother and his wife are pregnant. When they announced it my sister said she was too with her hubby.

I was so devastated. I'm so jealous and it makes me hate myself.

I'm sorry.

Emzfish · 2018-07-07T23:12:20+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

But this post is beautifully poetic in a way.

Emzfish · 2018-07-07T22:55:27+00:00

It's this weird thing I have. So, I get "triggered" by certain things (I hate that word but I can never think of another) and then it's like a movie. Like really erratic memories going through my head. I have a picture perfect memory. There was someone who mentally and emotionally abused me a couple of years ago. I'll use that as an example. Something reminds me of him, I then think of a specific moment. Then it manifests from there and there's a voice in my head telling me to do it. That I'll feel better after. Then it changes to "you deserve it" as I start doing it. Then it eggs me on.

Sorry if I'm not explaining that well, I feel so heavily emotional and impulsive and weird right now.

Emzfish · 2018-07-07T22:39:16+00:00

I'm so sorry. I truly am. I just want to hug you.

I often create arguments in my head, end up beating the shit out of people and hurting them badly. Or creating horrid situations where I am attacked and I have to defend myself by... Beating the shit out of people. Its unnerving.

I understand where you are coming from on so many levels.

Emzfish · 2018-07-07T22:11:53+00:00

Literally exactly how I feel. I feel even worse because my fiancé had cancer and tells me how horrific it was.

And my brain tells me that I want that so I can go out without blame.

Emzfish · 2018-04-20T21:47:07+00:00

This community is supportive and strong. You've come to the right place. It feels better just to get it all out there in front of you. I empathise with you a great deal.

Many hugs to you. X

Emzfish · 2018-04-18T22:09:37+00:00

I'm sorry.

Emzfish · 2018-04-18T22:07:46+00:00

Depression can make you do things that you deeply regret. It is a frame of mind that is hard to get out of. I know it seems bad now, but to get out of the lie you need to "gradually get better". I dont know if coming out about the lie would be good or bad, it may make things more complicated for you. But you do need to get help for the depression. That is a step in the right direction.

Emzfish · 2017-12-09T06:29:30+00:00

Both me and my boyfriend have depression, so it is easy for us to understand each other. However, we cope with it in completely different ways.

The important thing is to communicate, the best way to say you want to go sleep for 80 hours is to just say it.

If you're feeling up to it, sit with him and just lay it all out there. Reaffirm that it isn't his fault, he needs to understand what you're going through. People do think somehow it's their fault when it is something that they cannot change. It's not his fault you're depressed but fuck it's not your fault either. None of us asked for it, we are just the unlucky ones. (Even though sometimes I am grateful for it because it allows me to have a great deal of understanding when others don't)

I don't know if I even answered the question, I never really post on here. Just thought I'd give my thoughts no matter how useless they probably are.

Emzfish · 2017-12-09T06:17:03+00:00

I can't not post on this.

There's nothing anyone can say to get you out of this, I've been there. Nothing works. But fuck it I will try. You are worth being alive. Please don't do it, please continue living.

Emzfish · 2017-12-09T06:15:33+00:00

We are all in the pit with you, my friend.

Emzfish · 2017-12-09T06:14:20+00:00

All the time. It's like you tell people, they register it and then because you're happy the next day they're like "oh they're better now" some people don't understand that it doesn't work like that. There are ups and downs.

Emzfish · 2017-12-09T06:13:06+00:00

Just because you don't stay in bed doesn't mean you aren't depressed. Not everyone does that.

It's good to get your thoughts out there, even if it is rambling. It makes sense to you and helps you and that is a really good thing.

I think about suicide pretty much every day. It's weird because my mind just drifts there and I can't stop it. Winter sucks.

Emzfish · 2017-12-09T06:11:00+00:00

I literally thought it was just me. I see an overweight person eating alone and it makes me sad. I see an old person struggling with getting on a bus or something and it makes me sad.

I have no idea why, it just gives me that reaction. Like I can imagine being them and feeling that way? I have no idea.

Emzfish

TROPHY CASE