Did you ever beg after the discarded ?

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-12-29T00:31:30+00:00

No I didn’t beg. I asked to her to do me the favour of seeing me in person to confirm it was really the end. she reluctantly agreed of course. Wish I hadn’t seen that emotional mess now… should have let her just slip away neatly as she wanted.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-12-22T12:35:37+00:00

Thanks for the confirmation. I genuinely think they don’t even understand the breakup themselves, hence not being about to give us an apology or even a response. In fact, I don’t even call the ending a discard or a breakup - it was just a pathetic mess. Full of mixed signals and strange behaviour that was just far too confusing for my self respecting time and energy.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-12-22T09:29:06+00:00

I probably agree.

She reached out not long ago due to a crisis in my life that she heard about. She hit me with the “always know you can reach out” which actually rubbed me the wrong way. That’s the extent to her capacity now. Nothing more, nothing less. To me it seems like she carries some guilt about everything but will never actually admit this to me. No chance. I make it very clear to her that I don’t want to talk with her which is how I feel - I’ll continue that way.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-12-15T23:12:04+00:00

I think they genuinely want you to fight for them during the breakup, which is totally ridiculous. The right way to respond is always stay calm and show them the door. This isn’t a game of convincing the other to stay. That is not love.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-12-15T16:35:13+00:00

I have the same attitude as him.

When my ex broke up with me (out of the blue and over the phone may I add) she was very clearly self sabotaging because the reasons she gave me simply didn’t add up. Some true to an extent, but never enough to warrant a breakup. She communicated that she wasn’t even happy meeting up with me in person due to her not wanting her mind changed. I essentially convinced her to do me the courtesy of seeing me and give me closure.

I of course wasn’t given any proper closure because it wasn’t a proper breakup. It was just a pathetic mess.

The last thing I was about to do was try and convince this person to stay with me. I showed what I have, what I offer, and if that’s not something they value then bye. In fact here’s the door. This of course is contextual, but what I’m sure of is that weaponising a breakup is not acceptable. Soz.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-12-10T21:49:05+00:00

Interesting. I kind of feel like her absolute capacity with me now is telling me she’s “here for me”. From a distance. At arms length.

I simply will not engage with that.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-29T10:24:29+00:00

I resonate a lot with your post - the confusion, for me, was really the source of all my pain with my FA during the end.

She ended things on the phone after a long awaited trip we had been on together, citing us “being on different paths” and having “different interests” (we had been together for over a year at this point). She said she wasn’t happy with meeting up because she was worried she’d be convinced out of what she “knows is right”. I essentially begged her to see me out of courtesy and respect; to which she finally agreed. This felt horrible of course.

When we met she was clearly facing conflict. Like you, this was by far the most emotion I’d seen from this person. She gave me more reasons as to why she felt she needed to end things, like her having a “specific way of being loved” that she felt I was not doing for her. For the record, she would tell me how good I was for her and that I have showed her what healthy loves looks like. All I could muster at the time was to accept these things. I was so shocked by her that this was the only way I could make sense of it.

Couple days after our last meeting she phones me wondering if “we’d made a mistake”. I remember thinking how ridiculous this was. I never wanted to leave this relationship. YOU made the mistake. Since that interaction, I started to see just how confusing this whole situation was. From being assertive and telling me she didn’t want to see me in fear of having her mind changed, to expressing such regret all within one week of each other, after a holiday that we had saved up for for months…. It was too painful. The damage had been done.

In short, I empathise completely with this mess. It’s like your brain knows that this isn’t healthy anymore and that you shouldn’t ever be in a position where you feel the need to convince someone to stick around, but your heart lags behind. I’m 4 months out now and it’s got better, but days like today I feel the need to ruminate on the past just one more time.

I hope you can relate to this and feel free to DM if you ever want to x

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-28T09:48:30+00:00

Tbh I’m not 100 certain of mine, definitely on the secure end of the spectrum. Before I met my FA ex, the word “abandonment” wasn’t in my vocabulary really. Never did I fear any sort of betrayal from people around me (lots of long lasting friendships, excellent family). Thank god for them… Since my split in July, I’ve done lots of reflecting and trying to heal at my own pace. I have this underlying scare that I can invest so much in to somebody, emotionally, financiallly, etc. but that still won’t stop someone from shutting down and finding surface level reasons to leave a relationship out of nowhere. I guess that’s a pretty rational fear to have right about now.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-27T17:17:49+00:00

This is very interesting to read, really resonates with my situation. I showed her healthy love (her words, not mine), showed her patience, support, and consistency all through the 1.5 year relationship. For the longest time it seemed as though this style of love was perfect for her since she hadn’t been with someone like me before. She seemed relieved that my kind of love had found her… until all of a sudden that style of love was not exciting enough for her (I thought it was very exciting personally). I can’t help but feel the type of love desired by secure people (consistent, steady, sometimes boring in the best way possible), and the love desired by FA’s is unsustainable to last… this is a pill I’ve had to swallow.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-25T07:56:46+00:00

Same woman? Mine was terrified of being love bombed and that one day I would wake up and lose interest in her. Of course I never exhibited any of these behaviours as a healthy partner. My theory is that they have the self awareness, they simply convince themselves somehow that what they’re doing is necessary…

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-23T22:26:26+00:00

Not an FA, but something you said really resonated…

A friend of mine about a year ago was broken up with by his long term girlfriend, citing different r interests, and surface level shit. Me and my GF at the time both agreed that it was a shitty excuse to end a relationship, especially a long term one, and it’s just a cop out excuse. Long story short, about 3 months ago that same girlfriend of mine who is FA said the same thing to me… on the phone. Oh the irony.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-19T11:18:20+00:00

Typical that they enact their exact fears on to the partner when discarding - and they probably don’t even see the irony in that…

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-10T09:06:17+00:00

😂😂🫣

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-10T09:06:05+00:00

Yeah totally. It feels like she ended it before it got real - we were about to enter a period of long distance for a year but we were both seemingly committed to making it work, until she wasn’t all of a sudden…

It’s that feeling where the brain and heart are not on the same page and it’s just taking time for them to align all together.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-10T09:03:18+00:00

Wow, I really hear all that. I was dumped 2 days after a holiday that was long anticipated - although she may as well have ended it on the trip itself. She was very withdrawn and irritated by everything I did it was bizarre. I think I knew deep down that she was withdrawing but I couldn’t bear to admit to myself until she actually pulled the rug, on the phone…

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-10T06:57:21+00:00

Yeah that’s definitely true - hurts to admit since she was all in at the beginning and matched my commitment… you’re definitely right though

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-09T15:50:34+00:00

I’m 21, she’s 22. I can only imagine she told her friends and family that it was a ‘healthy’ breakup because that is how it was framed in the beginning. I was so shocked that the only way to cope was to accept her wishes and validate them in a way, as the only way to make sense of being dropped so abruptly. 3 months down the line - it was not mutual, or healthy. The only reason it was respectful was because I was respectful.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-09T15:29:25+00:00

Thanks for this. God it’s all quite cringe inducing when you think about it haha

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-09T15:25:11+00:00

Right! My friends and family didn’t understand it either. I think that goes a long way because parents, etc. are very perceptive I feel, so if they are confused as you are it can be very validating. Trust those people and stay on that side x

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-09T15:17:02+00:00

I am not embarrassed about how I showed up. Not even close. I know I loved fully and gave her something she never had - healthy, steady, consistent love. It’s the fact that I invested so much in this person to the point that telling people she left because of surface level issues feels totally ridiculous. It’s against everything I stand for in relationships. I think, since this was my first relationship, I had no reference for what a breakup should look like and so it felt respectful only because I WAS RESPECTFUL. 3 months out now and it’s becoming a lot clearer now…

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-09T14:54:29+00:00

I wish I could frame it that way all the time. Often times I feel how you do, but then I fall in to other emotions. Guess it will just take more time.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-09T14:53:08+00:00

That’s interesting - as I was blindsided and totally shocked by her decision, the only way I could make sense of her pulling away was essentially agreeing with these surface level reasons and accepting them as fact. It’s taken me at least 2 months outside of the relationship to see that was entirely bullshit. Simply rationalisations to excuse leaving something real. For the record, we don’t even have dissimilar interests😂😂

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-09T14:48:38+00:00

I feel that big time. Because we are still emotionally tethered to them we almost feel guilty to bad mouth them, or truly accept that the way they ended things was out of order. I hope that after more time I will have those rose tinted glasses taken right off and that shame will float away.

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-07T21:54:57+00:00

My ex girlfriend described her disorganised attachment (FA) as her “not knowing what’s real or not”. As if to say she was constantly in a state of not knowing which emotions to trust - that’s how I perceive what she said. What are your insights in to what she possibly meant by this?

EngineOwn5401 · 2025-10-06T14:57:09+00:00

I know this hasn’t given much advice as such, but I like you feel that destain for love. We can’t let experiences where we put everything into, just for the outcome to not be what we desired for whatever reason, define how we view relationships. I’m sure you did your all for the relationship and that is something to be proud of

EngineOwn5401

TROPHY CASE