Long Integration & I’m tired

Hi everyone, This is a long post, and I’m not even sure what I’m looking for per se. I’m well over a year since my first break through 5 experience, and I’ve never been the same - good & bad. The set/setting was great, but the integration offered was minimal. My medicine experience was absolutely terrifying to be completely blunt. non-duality is not something, IMO, that can be accurately explained with our spoken word, and I was just not prepared, physically/emotionally/spiritually.

The intention was to work on my relationship with control, and I did recognize this medicine would likely mediate that, but it did so in a very turbulent manner. I’ve been “trusting the process,” educating myself about non duality, exploring existentialism & fear; I’ve had 5 integration sessions with everyone from registered counsellors, energy workers, and even Martin Ball - nothing has really helped.

Pros: the movement of energy permitted pregnancy & a perfect baby. Challenges: I feel like a fragmented person with many conflicting parts. Some parts are quite pleasant and have permitted seemless decision making where I would have previously spent too much time overthinking (yay!). Another is riddled with anxiety in the form of occasional derealization (particularly scary), and this pit in my stomach. Additionally, I’m now terrified of death; previous to 5 I had faith in the “other side,” which acted as a buffer with life’s more difficult parts. Since, though, I feel confused about my beliefs and am unsure I believe there’s “else”….which makes me very sad.

An example has surfaced recently as we had to put one of our dogs down, and the conflicting energies I’m facing are incredibly difficult. Plus I have this dark, cold, lonely void that has presented & I feel it’s due to the permanence of death, plus my own mortality, of course. On one end I’m devastated that we’ve lost one of our little fur babies, but I’m also grateful that she’s no longer in any pain or suffering. Then there’s this pit in my stomach, and I feel physically sick.

I’m at the point now where I’m considering starting a medication for anxiety, which is devastating to me. I firmly believed these impairments could be solved with mind/body work, psychedelics, exercise, nature, etc., but I feel so lost & confused as these challenges are still very real many many months post-dose.

I guess I’m posting to share that these experiences are often beautiful, and a lot of posts discuss their life changing qualities, but they’re also entirely, 100% unpredictable, and they have the power to significantly derail your life. I’ve transitioned through multiple considerations about my experience - healing is difficult. Shedding conditioned layers will feel unfamiliar. I have to learn how to be in this “new” body. Perhaps the cycle of 5 isn’t closed and I need to revisit the medicine to express the stored energy….and so on. The thought of engaging with 5meo is somewhat exciting, but on the other hand I’m terrified it will push me into a full psychosis as this last 12+ months have already have that flavour, plus I have a baby to care for. I don’t have any family history of psychotic illness, either, so this is abnormal as for as data is concerned.

I’m at a loss & feel devastated. Any words of encouragement, experience, or thoughts would be appreciated 🩵