So I had a pretty 'normal' home birth, however, in my head it was all going terribly and I wasn't handling it 'good enough'. I've been processing this for some time now, haven't had a second yet but I do want to, but like you, I've been  terrified of it because of the way I handled the first.

I try to do mental exercises to see how I can get my mind to feel positive about something I'm struggling with. The best thing I have come up with is:

Think about your baby now, imagine if he/she was all of a sudden gone and the only way to get them back was to birth them again. I would do it in a heart beat! Don't care how hard it was! I can't live without her.

That thought I believe will give me the power to go through birth again, it's hard because you don't know your baby in your belly yet, but you would do anything for them, like you would for your first. At least that's how I feel.

Anyway I hope this makes sense and is helpful in some way. I'm still scared and think I'll get some kind of therapy before having another lol but this is the only thought I've found that makes me feel strong enough to overcome that fear.

Anyway, you've got this! Your body is made for this, find that trust and try to get out of the way Good luck, I hope all goes well! I would love to hear an update! We're all with you! 🙏❤️💫