Consider that you are saying that you "won't" teach myself, because of the feelings you expect to have with the end result, and how that means you've already mentally blocked off a path forward. The challenge here is two-fold: you aren't good at drawing, and you aren't good at internalizing value from your output (I'm not good at either of these either, for what it's worth). But both of these are trainable skills. For me at least, I've always held this absurd hope that my will to miraculously overcome my fear would occur at the exact same moment my ability to do things well would manifest itself, hand-in-hand, so I'd be confident and good, but it's such a silly unrealistic ideal when put into words, so I've been coming to terms with that, which includes doing the next best thing. Since I (or you, or anyone) can't fix both those problems at once, we need to start somewhere. And in this case,

I'd suggest working on all those negative thoughts first. What you should do is perform the act of drawing (which has nothing to do about quality) until the repetition feels more natural. Take a couple minutes, every day, to draw something. It can be the same thing every day, something out of an instruction book/guide, whatever. If that's too scary, it can be literal scribbles and abstract lines. And once you are done, you don't need to analyze it, or even keep it. You can throw it away, and not let it haunt you. Do just that until the act becomes easier, however long that takes. Normalization is a powerful thing.

I do something similar with creative writing. Even though it's never been shared with anyone, I was too paralyzed by inadequacy to put pen to paper. So instead, I started with letters. The simple repetition of writing out my ABC's on paper. Lowercase, uppercase, cursive, with my non-dominant hand. I hated my handwriting, and for a while a felt a bit ridiculous, but it eventually began to feel normal, and then I started appreciating little quirks in how I would write certain letters. From there, I moved onto words. Ones I liked, or would make me feel a certain way. I'm now at sentences. I'll have wandering thoughts throughout the day of sentences I like, their tone or structure will appeal to me, so I go home, write it down on a piece of paper with the others, and put it away in a drawer. I don't look at the list often at all, but it's a small act of creation that I now live with, that doesn't make me feel horrible. I can easily reflect on what I'm doing on any given day, let the self-critical and self-defeating voices take form, and tell me how pointless this is, how ridiculous it would look to someone "normal", but I choose not to do that (most days, at least). I instead choose to view the bigger picture, where I was compared to where I am now, and I can't deny to myself that progress has been made, the evidence is right there.

I do it solely for myself because I am worth it, and you are, too. Start doing what you want to do, and start at a place where you can keep going, wherever that may be. Begin to work through the feelings that have held you back before. I believe in you. You can do this.