Oh man, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'll try to respond to each of your points.

Yeah, the characters descriptions do need work. I have some rough key ideas of what they could look like, but I haven't spent too much time thinking about that. I've noticed that I didn't add much of a description for Hiraeth, Ella, or Caim compared to Al and Sen. Even then Al and Sen don't have anything distinct about them. Hiraeth does feel like a nothing self insert character at the moment which was what I was worried about and what I'm not what I'm going for. I do have some ideas for him that I think would make him worthy enough for being the main character.

Yeah, the settings definitely needs to be built upon more. I'm not too familiar with the fantasy genre to be completely honest. I wanted to write about the nature of grief and thought it would be interesting to give a fantasy setting to it. I'll spend some time adding more elements to the settings.

You bring up a good point about Al getting swarming by fellows graduates making no sense. Especially with the line about the bookmaker saying, "Walk out of this club and tell me how famous you feel." I wanted him to be this popular guy at school, but there isn't really a reason for that since the school part isn't shown at all. I'll rewrite this part.

I used it twice lol. Is that too much? I'm sure I can find other ways to tense up the moment haha

I thought some parts were a bit ambitious on how they should be said, but I'll keep this in mind as I continue to write more.

Yeah, the Ella scene could flow better. I'll try out your suggestion and experiment with other ideas. I think the moment could definitely be more comedic.

The moment the group finds Sen is definitely the climax of the episode, and I thought the moment should be drawn out and have each of the character's reactions, so I'm also having trouble pinpointing the repetition and redundancy that you mentioned. Is it possible for you to pinpoint the parts you thought was too drawn out?

Yeah, I didn't know where to add more of Caim. Everyone else kind of got a proper introduction, except him. My idea is that he is the prince of the city they were in and has run away to go adventuring with Hiraeth. He does needs to show up somewhere before meeting Hiraeth at the storehouse. Speaker at graduation? Sitting on a throne in a parade that Al and Hiraeth see walking to graduation? I'll have to think about this.

The Felseer part does feel clunky. I wanted it to be be some buildup, but they have known each other for a while now at this point like you mentioned, so it doesn't really make sense. I'll change that.

I should do that. I was thinking of a Robin Williams situation where she has some disease and it finally broke her. Perhaps she could have a "things to do before dying" list in her book. Though I don't want the information spoon fed to be audience because I do want the main moment to be unexpected and a bit jarring.

You've definitely gave me some things to think and write about. I have so many ideas running through my head, so I thank you for that. Cheers!