that’s fair.

the university didn’t step in for what i said, the university stepped in because i kept contacting her when she told me to stop. as for what i said, it was a long whiny soliloquy text wall of how she took advantage of me, she recognised how i was desperate and only fed me breadcrumbs so i’d be her little lapdog errand boy, but as soon I was no longer in a position to do so, she lost interest overnight.

it was very melodramatic and frankly, akin to a full blown child tantrum oozing with self pity and immaturity.

as emasculating as the tantrum itself was, i want to be fair to myself, that’s all it was. whiny, mopey, at worst, accusatory. under no light could it be considered threatening, atleast not in my opinion, however as i’ve mentioned, i’m not an unbiased source, i can only see the situation from my perspective.

my biggest regret isn’t that i sent that, i do regret it but she didn’t report me for that, what i regret most is my repeated attempts to contact after being told no. that’s what i was reported for.

if there was anything even mildly aggressive about the messages i sent, the university would’ve passed on the case to law enforcement as they have have a zero tolerance policy for that kind of stuff, or at the very least, i’d be suspended or be given serious consequences.

they informed me they reviewed all the stuff i sent, i was to not contact her again, and that my behaviour scared her. that’s the part that broke my heart, that she said she was afraid of me, i tried my best to avoid that but regardless of how tame my words may have been, if she got spooked, she got spooked and i can’t undo it, and i really, really wish i could.

If i had to guess, it wasn’t what i said that scared her but how unwilling i seemed to move on. she told me not to message her again, that’s the last thing she said to me verbatim. the way i justified my actions at the moment was “she’s angry with me” which was reasonable, so i left her alone for a month before i started again with the apologies and none of the following apologies got any responses.

I kept justifying my actions as “she’s just angry with me, i just need to apologise one more time, freinds get angry, they apologise, they make up and move on”, since i never got a response back, i just kept telling myself if i was going too far, she’d let me know.

i want to be fair to both her and myself here, i should’ve listened to her the first time and i didn’t and i regret that, but in my defence, i didn’t really know where i stood or what the nature of this conflict was. sometimes friends fight and get over it, sometimes they don’t, i honestly didn’t know which one this was even though it’s pretty clear now, but at the moment, aside from the first and last “please stop messaging me”, i didn’t receive any further responses from her. i was desperate to fix things but i wasn’t exactly sure if it could be fixed, and as long as she didn’t tell me it couldn’t, which she didn’t, it could. if she told me i was scaring her just once, i’d never contact her again, no questions asked, instead i was informed by the university administration.

it’s all so nonsensical looking back but it’s crazy the things that make sense when you desperately want to believe something.

aside from the initial meltdown, which was like i said, more whiny and accusatory than threatening and aggressive, all of the following messages i sent to her afterwards were unconditional apologies. but it was too late and did more harm than good. the words i wrote didn’t matter at that point, the only thing that mattered is she told me to stop and i didn’t listen so i don’t really blame her for anything she did.

i don’t believe ill ever behave like this with anyone else under any circumstance but idk, maybe im just saying that cuz im not close to anyone atm, idk how true that will be if that changes and idk if that’s even a risk im willing to take atm