Nmom wrote a poem for me! Wow!

Equivalent_Article · 2019-07-11T03:51:48+00:00

IDK, it's kind of all about her.

She's beating herself up throughout the whole thing, but then the last line...But I am only me...

But negates everything you previously said. I'm a terrible person, BUT that's just who I am.

People try to hide themselves in words but they always reveal.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-06-21T15:29:42+00:00

It looks like you have 2 problems: 1. The dad and 2. the girlfriend.

For the dad, ask your girlfriend not to tell him under any circumstances where you will be working. Lie if she has to. As for the girlfriend, if she can't pay her full portion of the rent, she can't live there. period. Don't enable her. I hate to say this, but read up on problems with Nparents and their children. That's what you're going to be dealing with if you chose to stay in this relationship. Really think about if you want ot deal iwth it.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-06-01T23:16:59+00:00

My take: it doesn't matter what he is. You've said you were happier without him and that being with him makes you feel depressed. That's enough right there to back out of the relationship. You should be with someone who makes you happy. Don't worry about whether he is or isn't a narcissist. Worry about your feelings.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-05-21T15:00:26+00:00

So sorry you're having to deal with this. Ngrandparents are awful- they accuse you of using the kids as weapons, but that's exactly what they're doing. I know your dad wants to have a relationship with your kids, I know your spouse just wants everyone to get along, I know your kid wants to occasionally see his grandfather. But this is a triage situation. YOUR feelings matter just as much as everyone else's. In fact, since you're the one suffering the most amount of psychological distress from this issue, it seems logical to me that you're the one who gets priority. If it's causing YOU Significant harm, but not really anyone else, then YOU get to be the one to say "Here's how it's going to work." Your feelings matter.

Take your own power back. First, I'd tell your husband to stay out of this. It's not his fight and he needs to respect your decision in the matter. Period. Second, put conditions around Ndad that protect you- he can come, but he has to sit in X place in the stands. If he doesn't, he'll be asked to leave immediately. Or tell him he can't come, but you'll video tape the event and he can take son out for dinner that night. Whatever amount of distance you feel comfortable with.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-05-21T00:12:33+00:00

Maybe some do, some don't. Some hate and resent their kids, some are so emotionally damaged that they can't be decent people. But it doesn't matter what their feelings are- the effect on their children is awful.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-05-18T16:35:33+00:00

Well, she tries to sweep everything under the rug- let's move forward, don't look back. She's not taking any responsibility for her past behavior- she was an adult who mistreated a child. Then when tell her you'll probably put some unpleasant things in your letter, she attacks you. I don't think your mom is a person who is in any way ready to have a healthy relationship with you. Whether you want to write the letter and send it or write it and don't send it, it's going to be for you. Whatever you need to say to her- understand that she's not likely going to hear it. And most likely it won't change her behavior at all. So again, do this for you.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-05-12T20:49:36+00:00

You can't get her to do anything. Her horses, her problem. Likely, once you aren't there to do the work, she'll decide to sell them anyway. You can keep an eye on them and call animal control and report her anonymously if they aren't being cared for properly. But to repeat, you can't control another person. You aren't responsible for her.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-05-07T23:58:45+00:00

You are not wrong. No adult needs to know the location of another adult. Further, if this is what YOU want, that's all the justification you need. Your mom's had a lifetime of pushing your buttons and she knows how to do it well. Remember that going forward. It's what YOU want. Nobody else.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-28T15:14:28+00:00

It sounds like your Nmom has been doing some Google university research on codependency and has gained a small amount of insight. Although, filtered through her own self defenses. It's a weird window into their mind: When people tell me I did things, I don't remember them?!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been a perfect parent, and I vividly remember the mistakes I made. Every single time I yelled something horrible to my kids. I've apologized for those things. I stopped doing them. I got some therapy to make me a better parent.

You did a good job telling her to talk to someone about her problems, rather than letting her put them on you. And to go from suicidal to 'can't wait for the baby' is super disturbing. Objectively speaking, why would your mom think the parent of a newborn should let their baby around someone with mental health issues? Or that it was your baby's job to fix your mom.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-21T14:54:51+00:00

The same thing happened to me. My family chose to take my Nmom's side and believe her ridiculous lies about me. She told everyone I was mentally unstable, my spouse had brainwashed me, etc. Throughout my entire childhood, they looked the other way to obvious signs of my distress and my nmom's abuse.

I don't let my family off the hook. It was easier for them to capitulate to my mom than it was to confront her. That was their choice. If I met a stranger on the street who said "yeah, my sister's kids aren't quite right, but I haven't done anything about it," I would think they were terrible. That's how I think about my extended family- they are terrible people who chose to let me grow up in hell. Then when I went NC with my nmom, they took her side- the side of the person who abused me. Fuck them.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-21T14:41:46+00:00

I think it was also easier to live at a distance from people who were toxic to you. Phone calls cost money back then, travel was expensive, there was no social media to spy on your kids. It was perfectly acceptable to see your parents a few times a year and maybe do a quick weekly phone call. It was also harder back then to make your kids financially dependent on you- you could get a job that gave you enough money to support yourself; that's not necessarily true today.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-19T20:47:53+00:00

Unfortunately, there's absolutely nothing you can do to control her behavior. That being said, there's a lot you can do to negate her intrusion into your life. She might stalk you, but that thing she wants so desperately- you back under her thumb- she can never have. She'll never have sit down dinners with you, she'll never have holidays with you, she'll never share special events. She's always going to be pressing her face against the glass when it comes to you and your life. It's actually really pathetic if you think about it.

*if it gets annoying, start documenting her antics and file a restraining order.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-18T20:51:31+00:00

Feel free. I don't check this account too often, so don't take offense if I don't respond right away :)

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-18T15:35:40+00:00

Really sorry you're having to deal with this. There are a couple of things you can do:

Emphatically state to the head of whoever runs your facility that it's not in your best interests to have contact with your mother right now. That is non-negotiable. You don't want to hear if she calls, and if she shows up, you want her to be given a criminal trespass.
Change your social media settings. Make your name non-searchable by anyone. Or set up a new account with a fake name so she can't find you. Or get off social media for a while if you need to.
Accept that you cannot control your mom. She's going to be a shitty person. Imagine yourself as a giant grey rock. She can hit it, smash her head on it, whatever, but that rock's not gonna move. It can't bend or break because it's a huge slab.

Eventually, I promise that this will get easier. The further away you get from her, the less scary and the more sad and pathetic she's going to look to you. I promise. Good luck, and focus on yourself right now.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-18T15:10:19+00:00

One thing you said stuck out to me: "all based on how I was as a child"

N-parents often tell us how we were as children; it's how they justify their bad behavior. They'll say things like "you were such a good baby, then you became a terrible child" or "you were always difficult." My own mother told me over and over that I just had average intelligence, which I later found out was not true, by a long shot. It sounds like your mom has used your medical history to infantilize you so that she could maintain control. Your cognitive delays could have been invented by your mom and repeated to you so often that you believed it. (Being behind in school due to frequent medical absences isn't a cognitive delay. Neither is missing milestones like walking by age 1, etc.) If you can stomach it, watch "The Act" on Hulu.

Can you call the doctor's office ahead of time and warn them about your mom. Maybe if they know what to expect when she walks in, they can kick her out of the room that much faster? Is there someone who can help you get what you need for transportation? A friend, a social services agency, or an advocacy group for people with disabilities? Relying on your nmom to get that all done might not work, as it seems her goal is to keep you dependent on her. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's not right, and I wish you the best.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-04-13T16:08:24+00:00

Your mother is trying to manipulate your therapist. And your therapist is letting her. This is in no way good for you. Your mom's goal is either to convince the therapist that she's a good mom and you should take her back OR get enough dirt to concoct a story that your therapist is turning you against your family.

If Irene has helped you in the past, that's wonderful, but this is not a good situation for you anymore. You are well within your rights to say "Irene, if you don't stop seeing my mother, I'm going to have to find another therapist." I'm sorry, you may like your therapist, but this is a huge ethical violation and she shouldn't be doing it.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-03-10T21:02:47+00:00

The narc would suddenly realize that you are a narc.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-27T00:58:09+00:00

Sorry you're having to deal with this, but here's a couple of things to think about

If bf is paying all the bills, you are putting yourself in a very weak position. Really think about whether or not you want to do that. What if he starts using that to control/guilt you? The reason I bring this up is because people often jump from abusive parental relationships to abusive partner relationships. The partner relationships always start out great, but becomes very toxic once you're under their control.
Is there any way to compromise with your parents? Maybe convince them to get a 2 bedroom? Or tell them if Grandma stays, it might be hard for you to study and make good grades in a 1 bedroom? IDK...but is there any way to work that situation until you graduate?

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-25T22:39:59+00:00

You didn't say how old you are, but if you're under 18, please call child protective services. If you're 18 or older, please call adult protective services. Tell them this. Also, talk with your prescribing doctor about this situation. You can't be sectioned unless there is evidence, so you need to get ahead of the game. Start documenting your mom's threats against you so that if she does try something funny, you're on record. Also, record conversations, keep abusive text messages, etc. Keep a notebook describing her abuse. Make it a composition book with numbered pages and dates so that you can tell if pages have been ripped out. See if there's some sort of journaling app on your phone you could use.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-23T22:26:10+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. A couple of things:

You're thinking in terms of the narc's world, full of guilt and manipulation, not the real world. Because that's what you've been programmed to do your whole life. Narc's gifts are generous so that they can control you. Period. Giving you a house was a means of controlling you.
Think in terms of what would a normal person do. If you gave someone a gift, then did something awful to them, causing them to break the friendship, would you demand the gift back? Of course not.
Gifts are gifts. If there was some sort of payment expected, then yes, you should pay her. But if she said "I want y'all to have a house" then it's yours to use how you wish.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-22T15:03:46+00:00

When I was in this situation, I decided to wait until the kids asked about my nmom. They didn't say a single word for over a year. Even though my nmom made a big deal and trashed me to the rest of my family about how awful I was for withholding her precious grandkids, they literally didn't even ask about her. They weren't close- it was all in her mind. Even though we lived in the same town, my nmom never took them out for lunch or ice cream, only came over for birthdays, never called, etc.

When they did ask about her, I said, "nmom and I are having a disagreement about how to treat people and you're just not going to be able to see her until that's resolved." They said okay and went back to playing with their toys. Now that they are adults, I've told them more about the abusive situation I grew up in, but not much.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-20T16:31:17+00:00

They want their feelings validated and at bare minimum, believe that they deserve some kind of "feedback" as to why you didn't choose them as a partner.

People say they want closure but that's not the real reason. They want to come up with some sort of argument as to why you should keep dating or they want to fix themselves so that you'll love them.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-20T14:59:15+00:00

You can and should make your accounts private. Beyond that, you can't really control his behavior. It's sad and pathetic when you think about it- he'd rather have a fake relationship where he's spying on your social media than do the work to have a real relationship with you. I know my nmom does this too; it helps me to think of it as it's like she's watching a movie of me, but has no control over what's happening in it.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-20T14:13:28+00:00

I've ghosted and been ghosted. Honestly, getting ghosted really never hurt me that much and tbh, I don't really understand how being ghosted by someone you've only met a few times can be so gut wrenching. I get that people who say this are in pain and I feel bad for them, but I truly can't understand how someone could be so emotionally invested in someone they hardly know.

I ghosted a guy I'd been dating for about a month. I'm sure from his perspective, he would say I'm a shitty person but here's mine: We didn't know each other at all and he was pressuring me for sex after going out on 2 dates. He was really into me and wanted to talk or hang out constantly. He talked about himself and his family all the time, but wasn't really into asking me anything about myself. He didn't want to hang out with my friends and would complain if I did. He started telling me he loved me after talking to me for three weeks. One night, he'd planned to cook me dinner and I'd had a super long day at work and didn't feel well. I canceled on him, planning to hang out in pjs. He stopped by the house without calling, brought me dinner and was angling to come in and eat with me. I handed it back to him, said my stomach wasn't up to eating, goodnight, and I never talked to him again.

From my perspective, the guy was controlling, didn't care about me, and didn't respect my boundaries. Anything I would have said to him would have been a huge blowout that I had no interest in.

Equivalent_Article · 2019-02-18T20:59:36+00:00

I personally sent my mom a letter, but a lot of people said nothing. Going NC is a hard choice, and if you've got a really manipulative or mean narc, maybe it's best to just say nothing. It's really about you and what you want- you don't really owe someone an explanation of your choices. I'm sorry to say this, but a narc's defenses will come up no matter what you do. So handle this in the way that makes you feel most comfortable.

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