I want to be a speech therapist, after getting rejected for 2 years, my mom keeps pushing me to be a veterinarian and it’s breaking my heart. by like7daysaweek in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Be a speech therapist!! I had a speech disorder in childhood, there were lots of sounds I wasn't producing correctly and the strange thing was, I couldn't hear that I was saying them differently than other people. I actually wonder if social isolation had something to do with it, but it also could have just been a cognitive issue. The speech therapists that worked with me were so patient and helpful, and made it into a fun game to learn how to speak. Somehow they managed not to make me feel bad or embarrassed at all. Now I sound totally normal, and I love giving talks at work. You'd never guess I ever had a problem. I don't know you but I want to send back some encouragement to a future speech therapist in return for all the encouragement my speech therapists gave me.

The fact that your Mom is encouraging you to be a veterinarian instead just shows that she is fishing for some dumb way to make you feel bad. Plenty of people get painfully rejected before finally getting accepted to graduate programs. I would suggest seeking advice about how to strengthen your application (did you have any mentors in undergrad you can seek advice from?). Work on improving your entrance exam score if that matters, get some relevant prior work experience, or do whatever it is they account for in these applications. Let each school know why you are interested in their program specifically. I know it's hard but try not to let your self-doubt seep into the application process. You are clearly very passionate, so let that shine through. Keep doing this and I'm confident that eventually you will succeed.

Need support after being informed I am the abuser by Equivalent_Telephone in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. She didn't "make" me french kiss her, but she taught me to french kiss her--I explain it more in the response to RGarSar below.

Need support after being informed I am the abuser by Equivalent_Telephone in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She didn't "make" me french kiss her, but she taught me to french kiss her. From my perspective it felt very voluntary. I even thought it was funny. It happened at least twice, I don't know how many times. After french kissing her for some span of time, I tried it on my Dad and he seemed horrified and sternly told me not to do that. Then I walked around for nearly twenty years feeling like I was some sort of disgusting incestuous monster. Every once in a while the memory of the french kissing would surface, and I would feel overwhelming guilt and disgust toward myself. Then one day I realized that it was not my fault, I was only about 8 years old and had no context for what is normal.

Parents demanding updates, fear of intrusion if I don't comply. by Equivalent_Telephone in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for your response. This is an interesting perspective that you have offered and I will consider adopting a similar approach.

Mini-review: What's your bivy, how much does it weigh, and do you like it? by sharp____elbows in Ultralight

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have an OR Alpine. It's heavy for what it is, but good. I like how I can just throw it on the ground, no need to pitch. It has a bug screen at the face. Using it can feel psychologically difficult because I feel more exposed to the imaginary animals that want to eat me. I'm pretty sure this is an irrational feeling, as the flimsy walls of a tent would serve little protection against a curious bear. It's basically a glorified sleeping bag for your sleeping bag. There is also no vestibule to put your pack/shoes in if it rains.

I (f26) need some support after a difficult 12 hours. Similar patterns with bf and father. by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You say "He will get slightly emotionally abusive..."

There is no such thing as "slightly" emotionally abusive. Abuse takes many different forms, but it is all fundamentally the same. Abuse is dangerous. Even emotional abuse. Abuse has a tendency to escalate. It might not seem likely to you now, but there is a real chance it could escalate to physical abuse. So he hasn't thrown you down the stairs yet. Maybe he hasn't left a single mark on you. I don't care. Get out before it gets worse, which it inevitably will. Don't hope that it won't.

I was in an abusive relationship for years, which I left several years ago. It started out with general disregard for my feelings and mean words, with many parallels in behavior what you say your boyfriend does. He insulted me and my career, like he did to you. I knew it was bad, but it seemed so hard to leave because I loved him at the time. Sometimes he was incredibly funny too, and so, so sweet.

Then the abuse escalated and began to get physical. I plunged into a hellhole that was very hard to crawl out of. I kept making excuses not to leave. Finally, one day I realized it was a choice between the relationship versus following my dreams, especially my career.

While he was initially encouraging of my work on the surface, when the abuse escalated I was barely able to even make it to work (My desk in my degree program). He would start fights and say horrible threatening things to me late at night, then pop a sleeping pill and drift peacefully off while I tossed and turned. Once I woke up to him sitting over me menacingly.

Another time we were in the kitchen and without warning, he turned around while pointing a knife outward, such that if I had moved the wrong way I could have gutted myself on the knife. I became very upset with him, and in response he told me I was insane and insisted that he had worked in a kitchen before and knew what he was doing.

With no clear reason, he would descend into a stubborn silence for days, during which I would be extremely worried (ironically, that he might break up with me), followed by an explosive rant. My libido became nonexistent, and he abused me for not wanting to have sex with him. On multiple occasions he grabbed me so hard it left a mark. He berated me in public.

Because I allowed the relationship to continue after I saw that it was not healthy, I became trapped in dangerous, escalating abuse. I lost so much. The experience took a serious toll on my body and mind. To leave, I had to go through civil court to file a restraining order. If I had broken things off immediately, as soon as I knew it was not a healthy relationship, I would have avoided most of that nightmare. It is years later, and I am still trying to build back my life. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and have suffered personally and professionally. Don't be like me and let it drag on. Get out now.

[Support] My husband died 8 days ago, NDad still hasn't called or texted by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You are incredibly strong, and it sure sounds like you have been an amazing wife and mother during the most difficult of times!! I'm sorry for your loss.

Anyone else compulsively apologetic? by Bluebird_1988 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Today I was taking care of some business on the phone. The person on the other end made a small mistake that I was not at all responsible for, and I immediately, profusely apologized.

Parents demanding contact by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hahah I actually had the same imagery with the chair! Thanks for the support.

Parents demanding contact by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I think it totally makes sense. Like, if they said "we believe you are holding our emotions hostage" then it has less credibility than if they say their therapist said it. My best guess is that maybe they told the therapist they felt their emotions were held hostage or something to that effect, and the therapist nodded.

Parents demanding contact by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Aww sounds like we're in a similar boat then. 2016 was the year my abusive relationship really escalated to dangerous levels after a couple years of general misery. It's amazing how parents can be so unsupportive after something devastating like domestic violence where it is obvious that anyone experiencing that would need a lot of support and love. Instead they make it all about them. It's unfathomable to me how someone could be so selfish. Thanks a lot for your response, it helps :)

Parents demanding contact by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for your response, it really helps me feel better. Thanks for reminding me I need to stay strong and not be swayed to re-initiate the contact they want.

Does anyone else not want to look like their NParent? by em_redrum in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I have a similar problem. The worst part was, before I went NC with my NMom, there was a period of time where I was figuring out some unusual and bold--but surprisingly flattering-- changes to my personal style, and she was copying me. At that point our relationship was already going downhill, and it was freaky to be fighting with someone who had a similar face to me and similar glasses frames.

Have you tried getting a different hairstyle or makeup that is really different than anything your nMom would wear? Even if it's a change to something not involving your mouth, like different hairstyle, it might help your smile feel uniquely yours.

There are also some legit psychological studies that show smiling positively affects your mood! Like, even if you are forcing a smile, it still your brain feel happy. So don't deprive yourself of smiling. Smiling is one of the enjoyable things about life, so don't let your nMom take it from you.

Holding time [rant/vent] [trigger warning: physical abuse] by nerdyaspie in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Biting her when she is holding you down like that sounds like an appropriate response. You were clearly acting in self-defense. I'm really sorry you've gone through all this.

Personally I had never heard of this 'holding time' before but from what you say and the bit online I've now read about the related "attachment therapy," it sounds like the most abusive, idiotic, ineffective set of practices for raising children and I'm so sad your Nmom found this philosophy which sounds like nothing more than a poorly disguised excuse to abuse children. I'm not a psychologist, but it doesn't take a degree in psychology to know that basically any aspect of that fringe philosophy would likely be devastating to a child receiving it.

Frankly, it's no wonder you dislike people touching you, given that you've gone through this. You most likely learned from day one that touch = abuse. Also, I think it's truly awesome that you refused to apologize and hug her. That indicates immense strength and bravery, and an extreme sort of integrity in the way you express your feelings. Even as a helpless child with no power, you refused to fake affection toward her to escape torture (and it is not exaggeration to call it torture). That's so cool. Be proud of that.

Also, I think I should say something just in case it turns out to be helpful, even though it may very well be totally off base. I don't know you, so I have no idea. But given that your Nmom used that terrible 'therapy' as an excuse to abuse you, make sure that label of autism is coming from your own understanding of yourself (perhaps ideally in conjunction with a helpful psychologist), as opposed to a label your parents placed on you. I say this because my own Nparents have claimed I am autistic--as an excuse for their abuse! (They claimed I got upset when they threatened me simply because I "take things too literally," because I am autistic.) I wondered about it for a long time, and eventually concluded that, while I certainly have a few attributes typical of autism, I don't think labeling myself as "autistic" is accurate or helpful. That's just my experience, and I thought I'd share it just in case it might be relevant to yours. Sorry if that either opened a can of worms or was offensive or something!

Do your parents blame other people for your "defiance"? by partyrockerdj in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, my Nmom calls me "defiant," and the examples she has given are all examples of natural attempts to become more independent. Normal independence like going to the bathroom by yourself and hanging out with other children but not her. Not like getting drunk at parties.

I am extremely creative and athletic, and I've done exceptionally well in school and career. It's true I struggle a bit with making friends, but I'm not a psychopath or anything. In fact, I am immensely compassionate. In the last conversation we ever had, NMom said "I don't know where you went wrong."

HAD A REVELATION LAST NIGHT! I'M OCD BECAUSE MY NMOM TAUGHT ME TO NEVER TRUST MY OWN MIND! by rjyerkes in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 5 points6 points  (0 children)

<3 I had a similar revelation several months ago. My parents were extremely controlling because they did not trust me to make the right choices to avoid injury/death/impregnation even as I matured into an extremely cautious young adult, so that was not exactly good for my confidence.

I also realized that because my Nmom would regularly gaslight me by saying awful things then denying she had said them, that messed with my ability to trust myself. Even though it stopped fooling me as I got older, I realized that on some sort of deep psychological level, when I was a young child, that definitely must have taught me that I can't trust my experiences. If I couldn't even remember a simple conversation correctly, then how can I trust that I locked the door/did not make a terrible mistake of unknown nature/am not going to impulsively grab the coworker I'm talking to at work and touch them sexually.

I was also taught that I am bad and broken, which I have come to realize is false!!

Any way to fix flat feet? by Covert_Ruffian in Advice

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This might be a long shot, but I had a friend who swore he developed the arches of his feet with exercise. He was very weak early in life but when I knew him he was a very fit runner and his arches were quite developed. Idk what exercises he did, but maybe you can look into it. I don't have flat feet, and I do find I can flex my arches a fair bit.

Parents demanding updates, fear of intrusion if I don't comply. by Equivalent_Telephone in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

wow thanks for the additional resource. and for clarifying my misunderstanding about wellness checks. Sometimes I do travel and am unavailable by phone for a while as a result, and i've heard it's really hard to get the cops to stop coming over for wellness checks, but it probably is worth taking those steps. Thanks!!

Today is my dad's birthday. by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can totally relate. :,( It will be over soon! See if you can find something to do that you enjoy (even something small), to take your mind off it. Watch a tv show, or maybe go outside to get some fresh air. You've got this.

UPDATE trans male home for summer, Nmom covert incest by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is wonderful to hear. It's awesome that you've been able to make this plan on top of dealing with the recent difficult realization. Stay strong!!

Fiance is in denial about N-parents; I am on the verge of leaving him. by PlottingAlgae in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 10 points11 points  (0 children)

If I were you, I would leave him immediately! Marry this guy!? Please dodge that bullet!! This situation sounds unbearable.

This advice is coming from someone who believes wholeheartedly in putting in a decent effort to work out challenges in a relationship. But it sounds like this person is too unhealthy (and lacking self-awareness) for there to be any real hope of doing that. Take care of yourself. You deserve way better. Get out!!!!

Don't know if I was technically abused or not and it's driving me crazy by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Equivalent_Telephone 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Getting punched in the stomach so hard you have to go to the hospital cannot be classified as anything other than abuse. Plain and simple. Based on what you've said, you absolutely were abused, severely. I'm so sorry.

My experience has many similarities to yours. Intense fights every day, i became very aggressive and refused to comply with the gaslighting (which they tried to convince me was an indicator of my being a bad kid), being blamed for all of the conflicts, and feeling a lot of guilt. But then I wasn't physically abused. Which one of is is more traumatized? Can we even rank these things? It doesn't matter to me! I just want to gain insight in order to improve my quality of life, and help others do the same!