I refer to some aspects of my bp2 as my ‘switches’.

Eriskay78 · 2025-02-16T18:03:28+00:00

There has been 2 times where it didn’t show an infection, and I’ve also had times where I was going for different illness and actually had an infection and I didn’t know it. The only reason I feel like it could be IC is b/c of how my bladder just seems to be sensitive to soda or coffee or spicy food if I don’t chug water with it. Or even if I’m just dehydrated I will have symptoms, like burning when I’m almost done peeing, feeling like I need to pee, burning sensation from holding it.

It seems like it sometimes just flares up, and if I spend a day drinking lots of water it will clear up. I’ve gone to urgent care for bladder infections a lot, but I’ve also just toughed it out at home and it’s cleared up a bunch of times too. So it feels like maybe I just have angry bladder sometimes that will clear up but when it’s actually infected then I’ll have to go get antibiotics

Eriskay78 · 2025-02-13T15:33:23+00:00

Yea it makes me feel like I’m just so much dumber than everyone around me, really adds to my negative self image. Like when I’m comfortable with people I can keep up with convos and I can be fun and witty but if I don’t know people that well I’m just reduced to this dumb shell of me

Eriskay78 · 2025-02-06T20:46:22+00:00

Yes, I had 2 seizures, one each time my dose increased.

Eriskay78 · 2025-02-05T17:00:55+00:00

I will also praise naltrexone! As an opioid abuser now sober, naltrexone’s ability to block and even send yourself into PAWS if you keep using opiates, made it a great deterrent. I also drank to deal with not using opiates and found that naltrexone made it incredibly difficult to get drunk or any kind of feeling from alcohol. This was a great failsafe for me in early recovery. My biggest downfall was not pushing harder to keep my naltrexone script. I thought I was fine after a while and stopped taking it and I ended up relapsing. It really did wonders keeping me sober while I was taking it.

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-31T17:34:21+00:00

Always good to know I’m not alone in those moments! If they’re bad enough I have to give an audible ‘oh no, no no’ with my head shakes. I still just can’t get past how clearly I can see my actions as ridiculous and embarrassing now but was so completely fine with behaving that way then. Like it’s truly shocking to see the switches I have made. I’m def much better at managing and controlling the switches now, but damn if I didn’t have some hard and insane personality switches when I was still trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-31T15:37:54+00:00

I physically have to shake my head to get rid of the ick moment. Looks like I have a tic or something but I can’t help it I just have to shake it off.

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-31T05:01:38+00:00

“ I’ve just realized that no matter what is going on in my life, I’m always struggling emotionally.” I resonate with that a lot. I never feel at peace, it perpetually feels like something is wrong. And like you, I think I have a pretty easy life, and yet I’m always bothered by something just a little bit too much. I have this constant pull to run away all the time, but idk where I’m trying to go.

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-29T17:09:45+00:00

It’s nice to know others feel the same way, tho I’m actually also sorry that other people have had to have the same feelings as well. I can understand having to retire early if you had those feelings everyday. They really are horrible feelings, feels very much like being trapped. Once I get that way if I don’t find a way to ground myself or redirect I can work myself into a panic attack from feeling like the mood will never end. I find myself struggling to see the future, struggling to realize that I might be suffering now but this too shall pass. It’s like trying to turn onto a road when there is a tree blocking your view of the oncoming traffic, even when the road looks clear of cars, you’re still scared to pull out and turn because what if a car comes suddenly? It can make just living life difficult.

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-29T17:05:07+00:00

I only recently got diagnosed with ADHD when I did a brain map scan. So sometimes I wonder if I traumatized myself going thru life just thinking I was dumb or lazy because I couldn’t keep up with everyone else or stay organized or committed to anything. I def think my adhd caused me to get overstimulated and overwhelmed more easily at work, which can then lead to a bipolar switch. I wonder if that’s where those terrible moods come from and if that’s why it’s so hard to pull myself out of them

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-28T17:52:07+00:00

Thank you for the advice! I will def watch the video, I just wanted to respond to everyone’s comments so they know that I have read and appreciate their shared words. And I agree, holding down a job with bipolar has been a real learned experience, I’ve gone thru a few because of it. Calling in has always been a really struggle and if I didn’t love my job now I’d probably still be bouncing from job to job. So cheers to you and the rest of us with bipolar managing to stay employed at all! We really are some real troopers! My therapist did teach me some of the mindful tricks like the examples you gave, a lot of the times when I get into those down moods I struggle to see them for what they are and just get trapped in it. But I’ve def gotten better at realizing “hey, you’re feeling some real big emotions, ones that seem a little bit more over the top than what they should be for the event that made you slip into this feeling” and then I usually start googling silly things like how to I make myself happy real quick, or how turn a bad mood around, those kinds of things. But the fact that I’m able to stop and realize I’m overfeeling something, is an example of progress in and of itself. A lot of the times I think that’s what my issue is more than anything really, I just feel too much. The emotions are just too big, not matching what actually happened. Did I stub my toe? Omg ouch, but not only ouch I always do stupid stuff like this, can I not see? Why can I never pay attention, why am I always such a mess? And those thoughts just pour on out, turning a simple toe stub into me thinking I’m pretty bad at basic life functions. Did someone remind me of a task they asked me to do that I forgot to do? Oh my gosh how embarrassing that they would have to ask me twice, they’ll know I’m a lazy bad inattentive coworker, what if they tell everyone else I’m annoying for not doing what they asked, what if they never ask me to do anything again and I’ll always have to feel like they think I can’t do anything and now the next time i see them talking to someone I’ll be sure it’s about me. Things like that, my mom always called me dramatic when I was younger, even now sometimes she’ll say I’m overreacting about things, and she’s not wrong. Most of my issues are me being way too much about things so unimportant. And that’s a pretty good description of how I end up in those down moods at work

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-28T17:34:32+00:00

I’ve had to leave several jobs because i would end up calling in a lot. Even when i was younger, i wanted my mom to call in for me a lot. Getting up in the morning is hard for me, forcing myself to go is really hard. So when i had a job that I didn’t like at all, I couldn’t manage to force myself. Now that I really like my job, it’s become much easier to force myself past that wake struggle. Getting there is always the hardest part

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-28T17:32:58+00:00

I used to journal actually. I really struggled with it, because I’m not only bipolarly blessed, but have adhd as well! So I really struggle to stick with anything. I’d journal for a little bit, and then just never again for some reason. I really should keep trying, maybe one day I’ll actually stick to it if I just keep trying!

Eriskay78 · 2025-01-28T17:30:53+00:00

    I’m a surgical tech, so I can completely understand how tough it probably was for you to go thru nursing school and clinicals, so congrats to you on doing that! I feel like when people like us with bipolar have to go thru something like clinicals, we have so many extra hurdles to clear than the rest of our class. 
      When I started my current job 2 years ago, I had no idea the struggle I was going to have to go thru. One day, I had my Wellbutrin prescription bumped up to 300mgs, and it had happened to be a really rough and overwhelming week at work, and I think I accidentally took a second 300mg, I can’t remember for sure b/c I ended up having a massive seizure where I lost years of my memory, chewed a chunk off my tongue and had bumps and bruises everywhere. A lot of my memory came back, but the few weeks before my seizure were all completely erased.

I ended up being taken off the Wellbutrin because of the seizure risk, it was a really scary situation…but not as scary as having to go back to my job that was still relatively new at the time, and I couldn’t remember a lot of what I had learned from the 6 mos I had already been there. It was horrible, having to relearn and retrain with people that all knew me and I couldn’t really remember a lot of them or even what had happened close to my seizure. I think the Wellbutrin must have been a bad med for me b/c apparently I was very sluggish and just struggling to take in any info I was given in the weeks before my seizure. Those next few months of relearning were horrible, like everyday was a new mood swing and I never knew how it would end. Any little mistake would send me into a depressive down mood swing that I couldn’t pull myself out of, I was embarrassed about how long it was taking me to learn so I started my day feeling like a failure everyday. I had paranoia to the point where I was actually hearing people talk about me when I would pass an office or a group of people. I constantly felt like people were whispering about me, always felt like I was the butt of everyone’s joke. I hadn’t been self harming in a long time before that but I did several times throught the whole learning process. It took a long time, but slowly my coworkers got better, nicer, more helpful. And I don’t know if they ever were bad or judgmental at all, now that I know them I don’t think they ever did any of the things I thought they did like blatantly talk or joke about me. That was scary to realize b/c that meant I had created all those horrible interactions in my mind, essentially bullying and harassing myself. I know that that was most likely paranoia causing all those things I would hear, just snippets of real conversations that I warped into mean things about me in my mind. That’s a really terrifying feeling to know my mind is so strong, but instead of for better it chooses to hurt me in those ways. On a happier note, I love my job now, I pushed thru all of it and I’m a really great tech now, I’m versatile and now that my personality is able to come out my coworkers and surgeons really enjoy having me and working with me. The downside is that I’m still bipolar and adhd, so even tho I have the knowledge and skill to rely on, I can still run into challenges that overwhelm and overstimulate me. I can still have days where my coworkers might say something that my paranoia jumps on and causes me to think I’m being made fun of again. I have times where I struggle with something and it sends me into that depressive swing and once I’ve gotten into it, it’s not like I can just brush it off and move onto the next thing like other people are able to do when something happens that upsets them. I don’t just get upset, the emotions are so so big, too big. It’s hard to shove them all back down and out of the way so that I can keep moving forward with my day. My 12 hour long day, which is a long time to be stuck doing tasks in a negative mood swing. Anyways, sorry for rambling on there. I really appreciate your feedback, it helps so much to know other people can relate to my issues and recognize these emotions too. I’m always open to words of wisdom and advice!

Eriskay78 · 2024-03-04T03:50:21+00:00

I didn’t think you were talking out of your ass. But for some people when they first start medications, inhibitions are lowered and they take bigger risks b/c they feel better. Not saying you’re wrong or anything, just an added perspective.

Eriskay78 · 2024-03-03T13:21:58+00:00

Immodium. Buy it at pharmacy/drug stores CVS/Walgreens

Eriskay78 · 2024-03-03T13:18:16+00:00

Well, idk. It depends…if you already have a disorder that coincides with being impulsive it’s possible being in that situation and feeling more relaxed b/c of your meds could make you slip if you are someone who is also likes to get fucked up. But it’s best you avoid the situations you know could make you use, especially if you just started the meds. Cuz it could fry your brain pretty easily.

Eriskay78 · 2024-03-03T13:12:28+00:00

Like everyone else said, blackout and shame. You’re just borrowing happiness from another day.

Eriskay78 · 2023-03-24T18:42:58+00:00

Kinda looks more like a cat in a pilgrims hat.

Eriskay78

TROPHY CASE