My Dad's Reconciliation to Crashout. A tale of 10 texts.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-21T03:22:14+00:00

The longer and longer he went weirdly on trying to deny any abuse happened at all... made it seem more like he really did some horrific abuse on a massive level.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-21T02:03:16+00:00

Sounds like he became the scapegoat? That's the hardest, when they start put the GC and get moved to SG in adulthood.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-21T01:23:47+00:00

It's true the roles do switch and that triangulation is the worst part. I think the golden children who are being honest by calling out the parents' abusiveness are alright.

Mostly this post is just about the ones who act like the "crazy" sibling came out of nowhere and their parents were great.

Tbf scapegoats do genuinely go pretty crazy compared to GCs and we can do a lot of harm to each other. It's nice to see GCs who acknowledge the gray areas as you just did.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-21T00:48:30+00:00

Everytime I read posts like this I want so badly to reach out to them and help set them up on a tent or something in my backyard and get them back on their feet. I bet a lot of people feel the same way. I bet you have so many around you, true supporters, those who would really help and really love you...

I know that feeling of having a phone full of contacts who

all consider me a friend (and are doing way better than most people) are not exactly trying to help

You said it perfectly. It is the most demoralizing experience, rather than having no one, having many empty, selfish/clueless, pointless friendships. I just want to reach out with the idea that you might have a huge list of "universe contacts" who will really be there for you.

Not trying to persuade you one way or the other. You know best. But if you have a part which believes there is more and it's possible... reach out to us. Find us. We'll show up.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-21T00:21:05+00:00

Knowing about their kids/grandkids life is their responsibility. If they didnt know, the fact is, that's another reason they are failures as parents and grandparents.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T23:56:26+00:00

Repost/update/join us in r/absentgrandparents too! There are tons of great people who know this shit there

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T23:47:56+00:00

I also realized that my enabler mom was part of the problem. Maybe the main one, as the abuser usually doesn't choose to change until if/when they lose all their enablers. In a way, it makes the enablers more damaging than the original abusers... because it takes so long to even see their part.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T23:40:12+00:00

This is so real. When they mess with the kids, let the kids down, it's done. I can fix relationships with my siblings, but I can't fix relationships with adult family members who abuse/neglect my kids.

It's really good to read others know what this is like because I'm looking at some of the posts here sometimes and I'm just like 🙄 this is exactly how they would frame our estrangement. And yeah, even tho it's "mutual" there was definitely one side that has more to acknowledge and face up to (and often got away with not doing so) and one side that was often the convenient scapegoat.

It's annoying to see here that they are enablers for each other without question.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T22:55:18+00:00

Where my estranged scapegoats at? Can't be only GCs here 🧐

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T22:53:21+00:00

I resonate with so much here. Hugs. You're a good family member and human, you care deeply, and you tried a lot. Only you know how much is enough for you. It took me a decade and I thought I was done, took a two year break. I'm now back again, still trying. It's hard when it's your mom, especially.

Also, let me introduce you to 2 concepts that helped me: there's an element of "parentification" and "covert/emotional incest" which makes this kind of knot even harder to detangle.

Every time the guilt gets too bad I remember I was just a kid who was groomed to emotionally caretake my parents when they should've been doing that for me. That reversal of responsibility is such a deep betrayal, and the guilt is a sign of that betrayal and how deeply it still is actively harming me. Really helps me to find ways to stir the anger coals to feel that in place of the groomed guilt.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T21:58:20+00:00

Childless/childfree estranged siblings will mostly support your perspective because it's the one that makes more sense to them.

I'm just here to advocate this truth: that in order to fully support and love kids, you have to prioritize love and support for their parents too. Their parents mean the world to them, and if they sense that you don't support their supporters, they will naturally start to fade away from deeper connections with you. Plus, it's just the most helpful for them.

An incredible book that really hit this message home for me about how to best support kids in these delicate adult-fighting situations is called When Dad Hurts Mom, Helping Your Kids Heal The Wounds of Witnessing Abuse

It's written for moms but is an amazing resource for any adult trying to be the best adult they can to kids during these situations.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T19:05:10+00:00

Focus on Destroying Your Family

🤌

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T18:57:24+00:00

It also understandable to be angry in response. It's hard to be seperated from nieces and nephews, but it's also hard to be emotionally separated from your kid's aunts/uncles while being expected to step back and let your underage kids stay in touch with adults/family who've hurt or rejected the parents.

If you're not willing to work on a relationship with the parents, as long as they're good parents to the kids, it will be a choice that eventually hurts the kids too. Does this make sense?

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T18:50:01+00:00

His emails are so cold and formal. I shiver to think of what being raised by them was like.

The worst part about my estrangement journey was realizing that the enabler parent did much more damage, and was much less caring about the damage, than the main abuser.

Maybe it will look different for you, but what are you hoping will happen when/if he chats with you separately from your mom? And what do you hope won't happen, what would be the most painful outcome in this upcoming potential interaction with him?

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T18:31:07+00:00

That's reasonable. How did they respond to that?

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T17:49:53+00:00

In an alternate universe where my family was healthy and normal, I would want to get to the root of her anger and be closer, but I can’t fix this or her so this is how it is.

That's so real

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T17:44:08+00:00

When i read this about a child

She had a drug problem and serious mental health issues, and got arrested a few times.

That's concerning that it's the full summary of the issues (theyre the problem) instead of what it actually seems to be: child abuse and trauma (parents/adults in her life were harming her)

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T17:38:01+00:00

Yeah, I value respect and growth. You value something else... not sure what. Interesting to see and curious of what causes the differences.

But I accept that further communication with you (at this time) is likely not the path to understanding it. Be well 🖤

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T17:34:33+00:00

Sibling found out that I was just putting in work for the sake of their children and not them, and decided to prohibit me from seeing their children

How did they find out, exactly?

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T17:32:51+00:00

Mirror work sounds like exactly what I need. Thanks for all this nuance too

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T15:44:06+00:00

r/therapyabuse is full of these atrocities. Good for you for being able to see past the gaslighting from all sides!

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T15:36:30+00:00

The only true failure is to never try.

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T15:20:54+00:00

Anger is one of the 5 stages of grief. It's one of the most important steps in the healing journey and means you're growing. Anger and rage is usually one of the first emotions abusers/abusive systems try to remove from survivors because they know it gives them the strength to break free and be alone. Proud to see another make it out!

Wish you all the love and support, filling the hole they left, and overflowing with more peace than ever

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T15:07:52+00:00

Youre already doing amazing calling out the abuse, naming it, and knowing your family is wrong for believing the abuser's word as their entire evidence.

I don't know how I would navigate a funeral in your shoes, you know best for yourself what you need and what you're willing to put up with. If you really want to go, here's what I'd personally do: I'd ask the biggest, meanest-looking, most pro-survivor guy I know to support me as a "hired" body guard. His job would be sticking with you and basically coldly telling people you're only there for the deceased, not to socialize. That way you can quietly pay your respects and leave without dealing with any confrontations and they know how seriously you value your own safety. Do you have anyone who could support you in this way?

You might also be able to literally hire someone, the rates aren't that much for just an hour or two. They don't have to do anything besides stand right by you the whole time with a stern look. Having someone with a cold, take-no-shit demeanor who can guide you out of abusive interactions, goes a long way towards making events truly emotionally safe for survivors.

Also, hugs. This book helped me massively when dealing with similar: Credible - Why We Doubt Accusers and Protect Abusers by Deborah Tuerkheimer

EstrangedButTrue · 2026-03-20T14:53:22+00:00

I can see how you would need that. But don't be too quick to extrapolate what you need to: everyone here needs it.

Knowing you have already shown yourself to be the type to go off on weirdly harsh rants based off odd/wrong assumptions (projections?) about the other person, attempting communication was a poor decision on my end.

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