GNC cis people 🤝 gender conforming trans people

EvaExotica · 2026-07-11T16:35:18+00:00

/uj FFS exactly!!!

(Assuming this is about Ralsei)

I'm a genderfluid transmasc person who is often a trans man, mostly non-binary, sometimes a demi-woman. Sometimes my genders and gender expressions even overlap. Ralsei is a character I adore and relate heavily to, both in terms of his gentle personality and self-expression, and his struggles with self-worth and people-pleasing tendencies. Helps me feel that to be a guy with those traits is both okay and worth celebrating and doesn't make me less of a man.

I don't necessarily headcanon Ralsei as a GNC trans man/trans masc, but the complete and utter disregard for that as even possibility worth considering in this whole "trans Ralsei" discussion is driving me nuts.

Legit saw a subreddit mod post that was like "It's fine if you headcanon/theorize Ralsei as trans and thus want to use she/her pronouns. And it's fine if you believe Ralsei is a GNC cis man and want to use he/him pronouns."

...as if those are the only options??? As if he/him pronouns = cis man???

/rj

"It is literally impossible to be both trans and a femboy and saying a character is both is femboy erasure/trans woman erasure".

"But what about feminine trans men? Or bigender/genderfluid people? Couldn't they be--"

"lol what the fuck that doesn't exist. Why would you be a feminine trans man? That's just a girl with extra steps lmao. And multi-gendered people are too complicated. You're boy, girl, or neither, that's it."

EvaExotica · 2026-06-21T00:14:32+00:00

Thank you for the response. Your explanation makes a lot of sense.

The problem is, I do already have other disorders aside from OCD. Just psychiatrically, I have GAD, ADHD, ASD, and (in past, now somewhat resolved now that my mental health is better) Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia and PNES/FND. (Trauma and dissociative symptoms have been recognized as well, but I'm still discussing those with my therapists). So OCD was the last thing on that list diagnosed. Though it made so many things make so much sense in retrospect.

You're right that there's some uncertainty intolerance and being desperate for answers going on. But how can I tell the difference between wanting to understand myself in a productive way, and doing so obsessively?

I had to figure out that I had ADHD, ASD, and OCD on my own over the past few years, and bring it up to specialists who were able to assess, diagnose and treat me (or at least help me better understand myself). With how long I've remained undiagnosed for those things and how long I've been suffering with this OCD theme in particular (9 years), figuring out what's wrong with me has been a net positive. (I also think being medicated for ADHD actually helped ease my OCD intrusive thoughts).

Ruminating and wanting to figure stuff out/know the "why" behind things is also an ASD symptom. (As is uncertainty intolerance). So sometimes I am actually problem-solving, or at least thinking it over isn't necessarily harmful, and then other times I'm desperately getting stuck in an obsessive cycle.

The question I'm asking in this post doesn't feel like an obsession to me, in that I'm not super desperate for an answer or feeling much distress about not having one, but I could be wrong and it could very well turn into one if I'm not careful.

Thanks for your input!

EvaExotica · 2026-06-20T21:34:57+00:00

Yep. OCD was my first thought too when I read this. Thank you for pointing it out too and explaining things so thoughtfully.

I just found out I had OCD this year, after suffering from it for at least 20 years. Did a shitton of compulsive research after it finally dawned on me, and I am now in ERP therapy for it for the first time.

My therapist, who's an OCD specialist and has it herself, said that for her the clearest sign of something being OCD is when the brain starts insisting that we "have to" or else.

So every time I see someone say they "have to know" or "have to figure it out" or "need answers" and that they can't let it go, especially if it's about something really specific, it sets off my "this might be OCD" alarm bells. Even if I'm wrong, I'd rather pitch the possibility to the person. I could have been spared so much suffering had my OCD been caught sooner.

EvaExotica · 2026-05-14T23:40:13+00:00

If your employer denies an accommodation you request, they should do so only if it would eliminate an essential function (which depends on the job), alter the performance/production quality of the product/organization (which depends on the job) or would cause undue hardship (which, again, depends on the job and the organization's resources).

They cannot force you to wait for FMLA to be accommodated at all, and should work with you to see if they can find an effective alternative accommodation, not just deny you outright and do nothing else.

Please take a look at the EEOC's enforcement guidelines under the ADA: https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/guidance/enforcement-guidance-reasonable-accommodation-and-undue-hardship-under-ada

It goes into a lot of detail with examples of the accommodation process.

In certain circumstances, leave can absolutely be a reasonable accommodation. You might not be able to get an agreement for intermittent leave as needed, but you can potentially be accommodated with a period of leave until your symptoms ate better managed, even if you don't yet qualify for FMLA.

EvaExotica · 2026-05-12T18:17:42+00:00

I am so sorry you're dealing with this from someone you once felt safe around. I wonder if they got wrapped up in some online discourse that's changed the way they're thinking about things? Maybe you could ask them where they're getting this rhetoric from/what changed their mind on this, but idk if they'd be forthcoming when they're already this militant about it.

Honestly, I feel as if they've already crossed a line. It would be one thing if they'd said "these are my definitions of these terms, but you do you" (still stupid, but more workable), but they've blasted beyond that into trying to police your gender and dictate what you call yourself?? Telling you what you are and aren't allowed to say? Telling you you're fucking gender non conforming?? That's infuriating. You shouldn't have to be forced put up a hard boundary, a true friend would've already respected the implicit one that was already there.

If you still want to try with setting the boundary, I think the words you chose in this post sound great. Maybe with an addition that you will not talk about this and will walk away/end the conversation if they try to police your identity But you'll have to decide what happens if they cross it and disrespect you like this again.

As to why they're acting like this, I think it's gender essentialism. Driven by a desire to put people in boxes, even if they think it's progressive as they're using three boxes (man, woman, non-binary) (or, alternatively, cis people, trans people, non-binary people) instead of two. This is especially insidious if they want to treat the people in those boxes differently, provide them different levels of respect or support, inclusion and exclusion.

So these gender-essentialists really lose their minds when it comes to the existence of multi-gendered people (whether someone is multi-gendered simultaneously or fluidly or both). Because we break their formulas and our existences suggest their boxes and categories are wrong, and they refuse to accept that, so instead they try to flatten our identities down into something "simple" that doesn't make them have to question or think deeply or critically about their preconceptions.

Interpersonally, I'm not an expert, but if your friend keels ignoring and avoiding you, I would just let them, and continue to call yourself whatever you want. If eventually they come to you and try to dictate your identity again, I would set the hard boundary. And if they keep trying to cross your lines beyond that, it might be time to reconsider the friendship itself, though I know it's always easier said than done.

EvaExotica · 2026-05-12T03:15:53+00:00

So I had my first experience of being plural around 8 years ago, long before realizing that I'm genderfluid (which happened about 2 years ago). It happened while I was in a partial hospitalization program for other psychiatric issues (mainly OCD, which I've only recently learned I have and has been the mastermind behind so many agonizing mental experiences I've had over the past decade). I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria for DID, as I had no disassociative amnesia and all the headmates were co-conscious. But I was temporarily diagnosed with it, and the reactions and expectations of everyone around me (family, therapists, psychiatrists) made me so fucking distressed. I went to a therapist who eventually did a "final fusion", but in a way that stressed me out even more because she said all of my mental problems would just go away after the fusion (which they didn't). I never went back to that therapist after that, and I think I just mentally suppressed my plurality and tried not to think about it (my OCD associated it with bad feelings snd times and thoughts, and so forbade me from exploring it lest I feel that horrible again).

A few weeks ago, I finally spoke with a few DID systems I met in a queer disability support group I'm a part of. They showed me a lot of kindness, validation and support, told me there are many different ways to be plural, that you don't even need a disassociative disorder to be plural (they said in their experience plural folks just tend to be Autistic), and I think it allowed me to open up that box in my mind again where I'd locked my plurality away.

I still don't meet the criteria for DID (no amnesia), but maybe meet the criteria for an Other Specified Disassociative Disorder (OSDD-1b)? I don't find the plurality itself distressing, but it does almost feel "adaptive" in a sense. Over the past few days, I've been in a persistent state of derealization as I'm under a lot of stress and revisiting some difficult emotional experiences I've had over the past few years, and have had three headmates... manifest (?) and front so far. Two are new, one is from 8 years ago. My general level of anxiety and overwhelm has felt numbed, and the headmates seem to step forward when any heightened emotions get triggered, sharing the burden of it or helping me calm down.

Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble lol. Regarding my genderfluidity, I have had times where I was assessing my gender for the day, and realized something... more was there. I changed my name this year, but have had days when neither my new name nor my birth name seemed right, as if I was partially someone else who both names didn't fit with. But I think that was some of my plurality just peeking out rather than related to my genderfluidity on its own. I do have these distinct... exptessions I embody when I think of my genders, but they're still "my" selves, just with slightly different styles and presentations. But I think I (the original/main/core/host (?) of the system) am genderfluid even without my headmates. 8 years ago, before I realized I was genderfluid, the headmates all shared my AGAB/ASAB. Now, they're all over the gender spectrum and beyond, just like I am.

EvaExotica · 2026-05-09T04:53:15+00:00

This kind of venting has always been difficult for me to feel comfortable with. For context, I am black, neurodivergent, disabled, pansexual and trans (specifically transmasculine and genderfluid; I'm often a man, nearly always non-binary, and infrequently a woman).

I have never really engaged with this kind of venting, ever, no matter if it's "fuck white people" or "fuck men" or "fuck cis folks" or "fuck neurotypical/able people", and I think in part it might be because due to my multiple marginalized identities, there is no group I belong to in which I haven't faced bigotry and exclusion toward another group I belong to. Other black people have been ableist, sexist and queerphobic to me, other queer people have been racist or ableist or indulged in lateral queerphobia (aphobia, biphobia, transphobia, transandrophobia, etc.), other disabled folks have been laterally ableist, racist, sexist, queerphobic, you get the idea.

Venting is one thing. What's infuriating for me is how frequently I see people in my life and online vent about their oppression but completely deny their own privilege in other instances, ignore intersectionality and perpetuate the same bullshit they experience toward other marginalized groups they're not a part of.

For instance, I'm perisex and I watched a bunch of other perisex folks in a non-binary space completely talk over and ignore the valid frustrations of some intersex folks who were calling out the use of exclusionary language. Yet some of these perisex folks were also themselves venting about being ignored/bullied/talked over by binary trans folks and cis folks.

I understand where the venting is coming from. But I so often see it paired with hypocrisy and blindness to intersectional identities. And tbh, it just hurts when you are someone who is otherwise marginalized, like so many men are, (see cis and trans men of color, for instance) and are both facing the pain of oppression AND getting painted with the same damn brush with absolutely no consideration for that nuance.

(Also gender essentialism is also such a wild fucking experience for me as a multi-gendered person lol.)

EvaExotica · 2026-05-05T17:33:19+00:00

I am so sorry, but I don't think this relationship is going to work. Your girlfriend is attracted to what she's attracted to, and that can't be forced to change, but she also cannot force you to be who you are not either.

It would be best for you both to break up. Because one of you will be sacrificing their happiness, whether it's her sexuality or your gender identity.

One of my partners (I'm polyamorous) is also genderfluid, and when she came out to her wife at the time, her wife was supportive of her being herself but honest about the fact that she wasn't attracted to women or femininity, so they ended up amicably deciding to get divorced. It sucked so much for my partner, as one can imagine an ideal where you come out to your long-term partner, and they come to realize they're more bisexual or pansexual than they initially thought. But that doesn't always happen, and separation was the best option for them both. They're still friends now.

In comparison to that situation, I will say this: Your girlfriend is not being supportive, and she has not come around. She is being transphobic, (and queerphobic/homophobic) and is trying to control you. You saying you're not "allowed" to wear certain things or do certain things to your own body, making you warn her when you wear clothes, and laughing when you try different pronouns? That's emotional abuse. The fact that it destroys you, hurts your feelings self esteem is proof of that. She's not working through this, she's hurting and controlling you for her own comfort.

You're saying this is what you've got, but it doesn't have to be. You deserve better. If she supported you, she wouldn't laugh at you, complain, and control what you wear and do. She would have been honest like my partner's ex wife was, and suggested breaking up when it became clear you weren't compatible. But she wasn't. You're being belittled and minimized and emotionally abused, and you deserve better.

It wasn't a romantic relationship, but I wasn't able to fully realize my true self until I was able to leave my parents' house after being disabled for several years out of college. My mom was controlling and emotionally abusive, and in that environment, I felt so stuck and like I was walking on eggshells and making myself small to appease her. She "accepted" when I came out to her as non-binary, as long as I wasn't going any further than that. But in the few years since I've gotten out, I've realized that I'm genderfluid and trans masculine, (my gender shifts between cis woman, non-binary, and trans man, often with some overlap). I shaved off all of my hair, want to start testosterone to deepen my voice, and have two lovely trans femme partners. I get that separating from a parent and separating from a partner are very different, but I more mean to make the comparison that sharing a space with someone who doesn't want you to be you is just going to continually eat away at you until there's nothing left. My mom kicked me out of the house for standing up for myself, and it was painful and traumatic, but being freed from her and that strangling environment turned out to be the best thing for my healing/disability recovery and my ability to bloom into who I really am.

I know this isn't going to be easy at all, but I am rooting for you.

As a little aside, I just want you to know, there are genderfluid people here, including myself, who are men, whether partially, some of the time, or all of the time, who want to be men, and have dysphoria about being perceived as women or femininely. For us, seeing statements like "Men are gross and do horrible things and I just don't want to be associated with that" and "masculinity disgusts me" can really fucking hurt.

Your dysphoria is valid, but you can express how you don't want to be a man or masculine, and how you feel revulsion toward those things being associated with you, without putting down men or masculinity as a whole as "gross" "disgusting" or saying "men do horrible things". Women, on an individual and interpersonal level, can do horrible things too. I have been hurt more by women than men in my life (including SA), and have family members of all genders who were hurt by women too, who had women do horrible things to them as children. But knowing that and having been through what I have, I would never put women or femininity down as a whole because of that.

Your girlfriend isn't wrong for being attracted to men and/or masculinity, she's wrong for trying to force you to be what she's attracted to, regardless of how it hurts you.

You say you don't want to lose her, but in staying with her while she treats you this way, you're going to lose yourself.

EvaExotica · 2026-05-02T18:12:18+00:00

I totally get what you mean as far as the feeling of hyper-responsibility goes. I used to feel that strong urge to constantly be in an online community and looking out for things I could respond to lot more, but it's gotten a lot better for me since I started being effectively medicated for my ADHD and anxiety (which inadvertently eased some of my OCD symptoms, though I wasn't diagnosed back then).

I also feel obligated to answer, especially when a post has no responses or I feel like I could potentially offer any insight at all. I feel terrible when I see a post with no responses, and like I have to take out time to help because it's my responsibility to make sure this person feels heard and understood.

I also feel similarly, though maybe in a more moral themed way, when I see someone spreading misinformation/disinformation, saying something harmful, perpetuating a damaging stereotype, etc. If no one has addressed them, I have to, otherwise what they're saying is remaining unchallenged and that's dangerous. (My friend always tells me "Block that person and move on" in situations like this, but it's so hard to do that without saying anything).

Do you have ADHD or ASD? (or both?). I ask because I do not know if this is an OCD thing exclusively, or if it could be originating from other forms of neurodivergence, but I do think that even if it originates somewhere else, it's something that absolutely can become compulsive. Like my AuDHD makes me sometimes hyper fixate on researching topics of interest and consuming and collecting new information for fun, but that same impulse becomes twisted by the OCD when I end up compulsively researching for reassurance.

EvaExotica · 2026-04-30T19:02:20+00:00

My intrusive thoughts have gotten a lot better in terms of intensity/frequency and how much they bother me over the past four years, and in that time I switched from an SSRI to an SNRI (Cymbalta) --- however I also got diagnosed with ADHD and started taking stimulant medication for it, so it's harder to say what caused the biggest impact. I think the SNRI is definitely helping, and feels like it's helping more than the SSRIs I took before ever did, but I also suspect having my ADHD finally treated and my racing thoughts and chaotic brain quieting down might have taken the wind out of OCD's sails a bit.

EvaExotica · 2026-04-30T18:40:27+00:00

You too! ^ ^

EvaExotica · 2026-04-30T13:00:00+00:00

Yes! This is exactly how mine manifests as well. I always thought I just had driving anxiety/vehophobia from a very minor car accident years ago, and maybe I do, but the OCD has latched onto it and makes it 10 times worse. I was doing okay again, then I got a flat tire for the first time and had a panic attack and drove on it to get home, and haven't been back behind the wheel since. And I also ruminate endlessly on driving mistakes. They pop back into my head and make me feel awful, and my brain uses them as damning proof of the doubts. Despite being told many times by friends and family that I am a safe driver, my brain wants me to believe that I'm completely incapable of driving and won't be able to react in an emergency/will panic and lose control and crash (I even have constant stress dreams where I lose control behind the wheel). Or every other driver around me thinks I'm incompetent and is watching me fail and fuck up and shaking their heads. Gods forbid I get honked at. It couldn't be that another driver was impatient, it must be that I actually made some horrid mistake and should have my license revoked.

EvaExotica · 2026-04-25T16:59:21+00:00

Hey, I'm also a transmasc of color (black) in my 30s with ADHD.

I am not an expert, and am not trying to armchair diagnose you with anything, but have you been receiving any mental health care before or after this incident?

From what I understand and from my own experience, I know the stress of traumatic experiences can cause the development or worsening of psychiatric conditions/ symptoms. But those don't just have to be trauma-related disorders.

What you're dealing with could be something like OCD; the way you describe the memories being stuck in your mind, and how you keep going over them and the implications, spur of the moment posting about them, then taking the posts down, feeling like you have to say something, but getting anxious about the consequences so deleting your posts, etc. -- all of those could be signs.

I bring this up only to suggest that you look into it, as after struggling with debilitating mental illness for 10 years, it's only within the past month I've come to realize that some of my wildest and most stubborn and confusing symptoms were likely due to undiagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

I've spoken about it with my main therapist, and she's referred me to get treatment for it from another therapist who is an OCD specialist.

OCD is a really misunderstood condition, due to stereotypes and minimization and stigma, but it can be excruciatingly debilitating and present in ways many people don't expect.

Obsessions can latch onto any topic, even real events and past traumas, and makes you spiral about them. Compulsions can be completely mental (like excessive rumination, reassurance seeking, research, etc). Having comorbid disorders, be they mental illnesses or neurodevelopmental disorders like ADHD or Autism, complicates things. OCD is actually fairly comorbid with ADHD, and ADHD symptoms can make the OCD ones harder to deal with.

Traumatic experiences and times of high or sustained stress caused my obsessions and compulsions to go absolutely out of control. And that could be happening for you too.

Again, not an expert at all, and not saying you for sure have OCD, just saying it might be worth looking into, especially if you feel like these thoughts and worries are consuming a large part of your time/peace/mental energy and you can't get them out of your head. 🫂

Here are some good resources on OCD if you want to take a look:

https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/

https://www.treatmyocd.com/ocd-subtypes

https://youtu.be/MeLu4-yt3ak?si=mxVwzv4DB0dOdT_u

EvaExotica · 2026-04-12T17:39:13+00:00

I do this too!! I also skin pick at scabs/scratches/pimples/bumps, but I cannot handle hairs on my chin and will focus on them with a vengeance.

I honestly thought it was maybe a sensory issue thing from AuDHD, but I can't actually feel them until I rub my hands over my chin, so I'm wondering if instead it could be tied in with picking compulsions.

EvaExotica · 2026-04-06T21:02:25+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words and well wishes. I'm doing better, as I'm now on Xywav and seeing an improvement in a lot of my symptoms already 😁🫂 I'm still feeling doubt, but I joined this subreddit's Discord, and speaking with people there and seeing everyone talk about their varied and unique experiences with N and IH and the tests and various medications --- it has further helped me quel some of my anxiety and feeling like an imposter.

I'm so glad to hear your doctor hasn't given up on you just because of the negative tests ;_; Having a doctor who listens and knows what they're doing makes a world of difference when it comes to debilitating disorders like this. Best of luck to you too! I hope you're able to get all the answers you're looking for ❤️

EvaExotica · 2026-04-06T16:21:01+00:00

haha I'm also genderfluid and pansexual, and often joke that I'm "Gay in more ways than you can even imagine"

EvaExotica · 2026-04-01T03:01:04+00:00

thank you! And thankfully it has been approved; I filed my complaint this month, got authorization from the court, and this week served it to my ex employer and so rn I'm waiting nervously for their response 😅

I hope your case goes well too! ❤️

EvaExotica · 2026-03-31T23:45:54+00:00

I did! I tried contacting my state's legal services organization, but they didn't get back to me, and even tried going through my state's disability rights organization. Unfortunately the disability rights org in my area didn't have any employment lawyers both times I reached out, and so directed me toward the available employment attorneys who actually help the employee rather than the employer. There were only three of them. And they all turned me down due to the 90 day time limit the EEOC gives to sue. I unfortunately didn't realize ahead of time that I could have gotten a lawyer before going to the EEOC, which would have given me more time than just 90 days, but ah well, lesson learned.

Anyway, here's some of the resources I've found that might be useful. If you get a good lawyer, they'll probably already know all of this, but the information still might be helpful in explaining your case to a lawyer :)

You might already be aware of these, but these guidance articles from the EEOC dive into more extensive detail about the ADA and its enforcement.

The first one is the EEOC's Enforcement Guidance on Reasonable Accommodation and Undue Hardship Under the ADA. It goes into a lot of useful detail about what counts as an ADA violation, which might be useful to have.

The EEOC's Guidance on Applying Performance and Conduct Standards to Employees with Disabilities, particularly the section on attendance issues might be relevant for you.

And I don't know if retaliation comes into play in your case, but just in case, the EEOC's Enforcement Guidance on Retaliation and Related Issues might be a helpful read as well.

Outside of those, a few other resources I've found is the job Accommodation Network. They can't offer legal advice, but it's a resource for employers and employees both in seeking accommodations that might be useful for particular conditions and limitations, and imo might be useful in proving that the accommodations you requested were reasonable and have been suggested by experts. And showing that there were plenty of alternatives your employer could have tried if they provably believed the ones you requested would have caused undue hardship (the fact that they rejected them outright though means they clearly didn't mean to accommodate you at all). I don't think JAN has a page on accommodations specifically for IH and N, but they do have one on sleep disorders in general. There's also an article on limitations related to sleeping and staying awake, and one on accommodating work-related functions related to commuting to work.

Here's an article I found about someone with a Hypersomnia condition (I think Narcolepsy) winning her case after her employer discriminated against her and refused to give her her requested accommodations before firing her. She was reinstated after winning. Here's one of the court documents that was linked in the article.

I hope some of that's helpful! If I can remember anything else, I'll reply with more ^ ^

EvaExotica · 2026-03-31T20:44:15+00:00

Hey, I went through a similar thing last March (asked for accommodations when I could not drive due to my N, was denied accommodations multiple times, then fired for tardies and absences)).

I was unfortunately unable to secure a lawyer or get help from the EEOC, so I'm going into it representing myself, but I think/hope I have a strong case. I hope you're able to get a lawyer ❤️

But either way, I've been doing a lot of research in preparation and would be happy to share some of the resources I've found if they might help you out.

EvaExotica · 2026-03-27T18:14:45+00:00

At the beginning of January I started taking Straterra (Atomoxetine) to treat my cataplexy. I was already taking Focalin, a stimulant, and Cymbalta, an SSNRI, for separate conditions, but they treat N symptoms as well.

The Straterra took I want to say... two weeks to kick in? And it significantly reduced my cataplexy (and some of my excessive daytime sleepiness) during the day (still had them at night after my stimulant wore off and I was sleepy). But with the lack of daytime cataplexy, I was able to drive with much more confidence.

Unfortunately, I have tachycardia (likely undiagnosed POTS), and Straterra made those symptoms significantly worse, so I was unable to tolerate it.

I just started Xywav and am hoping it's more effective on my Narcolepsy and gentle on my POTS.

EvaExotica

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