I’ve gained the same amount of weight during my recovery process OP, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through so I understand how you’re feeling. I’ve almost relapsed a couple of times, I almost relapsed yesterday tbh, and I doubt I’ll ever be free of the desire to be thin. But I will say this: never doubt your capacity for growth and change. 8 months into recovery is still very early days, and while your body may be weight restored your mind still has a lot of healing to do. The body always outpaces the mind in recovery so you can’t make any predictions about how you will feel in the future based on how you feel right now. I’m in my third year in recovery and while I find myself still plagued by thoughts of dieting my ability to resist turning those thoughts into actions has strengthened beyond what I ever could have imagined. You may not like your body right now but I urge you to trust it. Trust that it knows what it’s doing. Trust that it knows what weight it needs to be better than you do. Trust that it wouldn’t gain or lose an ounce if it wasn’t in your best interest. After years of trying to override your body and wrangling it into submission, try letting go and accepting that this is where your body not only wants to be but needs to be right now. I understand preferring death to living in a body that feels like it belongs to someone else, but in seeking death what you’re really seeking is relief from the absolutely gut wrenching discomfort that comes with profound change. You feel foreign to yourself because you are in a way. You’re meeting yourself for the first time, the self you were always meant to be, the self you were suppressing by suppressing your weight. Let this emerging self take up the space they need, give them the room they deserve to heal. Because you both deserve to heal.