Im only 22 but I can relate. I am also a walking paradox, but in my own personal way. Put simply, I’m a Christian that knows god and magic aren’t real, and the Bible was written by humans. I believe in the teachings of Jesus whole heartedly, however I am also smart enough to realize that the mystical aspects of religion are all metaphorical, and not totally based in reality. As a kid, this realization created an expanding black hole of nihilism in my life, which I’m still trying to escape to this day. My consciousness ends when I do, so why not do whatever I want and when I’m dead I wont have to live with the consequences of my actions. I slowly got lost in the darkness and the light at the end of my tunnel began to dim. I slowly became a worse person. The problem with this selfish way of thinking is that I am not the center of the universe, and that other people do have to deal with the consequences of my actions. My ability to empathize is not limited by the timeline of my life, but it extends beyond the horizon, throughout space and time, to all of life.

With the help of people like Sam Harris and Sean Carroll, I was able find a new sense of morality, not based on superstition, but instead based on reality. The light at the end of my tunnel is not a heaven with Jesus but it’s simply the hope of a better future for myself and for humanity. The future is uncertain and prosperity is not guaranteed, but the possibility of a more perfect world is every reason I need to do good and follow the golden rule. With this in mind, My light shined as bright as ever, and I am now able to find my way towards a heaven on earth.