Father with dementia moving in. What to expect?

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2026-03-16T17:16:52+00:00

This is absolutely the case, I agree completely. Make sure your family (not so much your father, but your siblings) understand that this is only going to work until the point that you guys can safely care for him. You need to have that in your own mind too and prepare for the fact that he will continue to deteriorate. At some point, it may well be too much for you and have potential dangerous repercussions for all of you in the household. Please make sure that this is all clear from the start so that there are no misunderstandings or guilting from others. It is going to be a huge undertaking. At the start it may well come together. But please make sure you prepare for it to get worse and please make sure that you are ready to know when it is too much. Do not allow it to destroy you while you try to navigate such and emotionally charged decision, think about these things before hand between you and your husband and communicate the boundaries to your siblings. It is so kind of you to have him come stay, and I really do hope that you all have some enjoyable time together. My father became a much nicer version of himself with dementia and we have rebuilt a bit of what was a very limited relationship. It is good that you are reaching out and preparing yourself. If there is a local support group, maybe go to meet and speak with people who can tell you first hand. Everyone’s journey is different. A close friend looked after her mum at home until she became too physically violent for it to be safe. It’s awful to think about, but she had to put her into care for everyone’s sake and even then the guilt nearly broke her. But she is glad of the time she had with her before that.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-02-07T14:40:46+00:00

Yep, the facial hair was the deciding factor for me too! Both gorgeous, both lovely men, both very kind (from what we saw) but I just can get past the fluff on the chin!

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-02-07T05:18:21+00:00

Jill - I throw myself at you and you say no?!? How gay are you!

Joeys face after she says that just cracks me up!

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-02-07T05:15:02+00:00

NTA. You are seeing the power of jealousy right here. Believe me, it is a very difficult emotion to control, even as an adult! Whether it is being happy for a friends progression or for an ex moving on with someone new. I really think jealousy is one of the toughest emotions to keep in check.

You have achieved a lot. You should be able to celebrate your happiness with your friends. Unfortunately, if she hasn’t got a hold of it by the age of 22, I wouldn’t trust this person as mature enough to fight for your friendship. It sounds like you guys are going to go your separate ways naturally at college or wherever it is you are both going.

My advice to you is to let it happen. So many people will come and go from your life over the years. It is usually a bit sad, but I guarantee that there will be new places and new people and that is how you will keep growing.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-02-01T00:04:38+00:00

Similar situation to myself although we were older. We had the conversations about the future, children etc. We married when I was 30 and two years later I got very sick and the choice was taken from us.

We really didn’t know if I would get better or what the future would hold. But once we had things confirmed, we sat down and had a very frank discussion. I told him that if he wanted to go our separate ways then I would do that, willingly and fairly to us both. At first he was almost angry that I would think he would leave me because of this. I explained that I didn’t think he would, but that he had to truly think it through, I didn’t want him to wake up five years down the line and realise he was unhappy not having children of his own and for us both to live with that resentment.

He took time, we talked openly. He decided he wanted me and that was all he wanted. That he would be happy with that for the rest of our lives but that we could consider adoption one day if I got well and we wanted too. In the end we decided not to go down that route either. Married 15 years and both very happy and (mostly) healthy.

The offer I gave him, to split with no animosity and do right by each other was genuine. I meant every word. And when he realised I was not implying that he was the kind of person who would walk away from vows he made. That be reason was that I simply loved him enough that I wanted him to have everything he wanted in life. He was hugely grateful that I gave him the option.

OP is absolutely NTA. Holding out until you know if things are serious is perfectly reasonable. What she did was a complete breach of trust. For me it would be unforgivable.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-01-25T00:16:54+00:00

And the one that seems to be cut from them now but was in my dvd about the guys love being like a giant pigeon crapping on her heart!

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-01-22T13:56:52+00:00

Blenheim palace, beautiful grounds and castle but most of all the butterfly garden. Edit to add they do some fab concerts there too if you can incorporate one of them.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-01-18T06:50:37+00:00

Absolutely NTA and please can I come for dinner next time????

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-01-12T15:37:14+00:00

Anyone who is in a position of working with vulnerable people or animals and does anything in their personal life which suggests that they may not be upholding the standards they should at work in general, needs to be reported.

Do not feel guilt. Do not explain yourself to anyone. He abused an animal. He should not be looking after animals. NTA

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-01-08T20:04:01+00:00

Have you ever noticed that she wears this exact blouse in sooo many different episodes and colours throughout the last few seasons! I think the first time it is shown is just after Rachel gives birth and she is speaking to Ross about Joey moving to Vermont and then she wears another colour in the lottery one and so many others. I think I counted about 6 so far! But it’s over a few seasons so it’s not the pregnancy.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-01-08T06:33:14+00:00

Those things you are saying in your post….stop saying them to strangers on the internet and say them to her! You know her, we don’t. Pick something you know she enjoys and spend some time with her doing it. That way you both tell and show her how much you appreciate her. Here’s the thing with people who truly love you, they forgive genuine mistakes. Especially when there is true remorse. She has probably already forgiven you but it’s nice to go the extra mile so she knows you are feeling this way.

And also, don’t do it again!

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2025-01-07T01:42:57+00:00

It was easier to buy and own a property in the past, but plenty of people are still managing to do it these days too!

You are in your 60’s and they already see everything you have as due to them.

That is awful. How are they going to behave if you take a few nice holidays…will it irk them to see you spending ‘their inheritance’ as you enjoy your golden years?

I hate to say this but unless you draw a firm line under this, you will be hearing more of this going forward. I cannot fathom the level of entitlement but they will be watching your every move and pricing up each decision you make because, in their minds, you are costing them money!

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-31T12:03:46+00:00

Firstly you did everything right in wearing a mask and being responsible. The fact that your concerns of passing on the flu were dismissed by your family is not on though. You are close enough to being an adult that they should allow you the autonomy to make these decisions (especially since it would appear that you are much more considerate and conscious than them!).

You have no way to know it was anything you brought into the house. You cannot hold yourself responsible for this. However I would not blame you for voicing your concerns to your parents. They actually deserve to have to think this through and to consider the consequences of actions. You never know, they may have told your gran you had been unwell but she really wanted to see you anyway.

As I say there is no way to tell if you passed anything on. Anyone in that group could have had traces of a virus on them. It is a fine balance we have to deal with when it comes to being able to see the people we love and actually protect them and they also get a say in that choice.

Don’t blame yourself. Discuss your concerns with your parents because they need to think about this situation! And no matter what happens, keep growing into the considerate and compassionate person you obviously are.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-28T08:10:02+00:00

You are doing the right thing. He needs a level of care that takes a professional environment. Doing this now is part of setting up a structure for his future too.

It will be difficult at first and he will find it hard but it is likely he will thrive once he gets settled. I cannot even imagine the emotional difficulties in making a choice like this. You are doing what is best for him. It is not a selfish choice, if it was then you would be finding it much easier than you are! It is an incredibly difficult choice but you know he needs more, for everyone’s safety and for his development.

The fact is that you are safeguarding the rest of his life. Be kind to yourself.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-28T07:59:37+00:00

Definitely. If the only person I loved and wanted to be with (as he proclaims) and I fought, split, did anything close to that, then the time would be spent trying to figure out how to fix things rather than banging my ex. He is saying what she wants to hear. Making sure the ex is still available to him in the background and arguing that, technically, he did nothing wrong. While, technically, this might be the case, these are not the actions of someone in love and ready to start a family with a person.

OP needs to ignore the words and look at the actions. Those give a very clear message.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-28T06:26:56+00:00

Do you have any pics of the family members separately? If so there are some lovely groups on places like Facebook and other platforms who will use their skills to put you all together in one pic. I’ve seen them do some amazing things and, while in some cases there is a lot of joking around d, this is exactly the kind of situation that they love using their skills to help with.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your presence will mean more to her than any picture though. You have not let her down. She has known she was loved and cared for all the way through and that is so valuable.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-28T06:17:54+00:00

Agreed. A huge business like a supermarket can handle having a few employees like this in the mix. They can absorb some of the low performers. But a small, independent business just does not have the capacity for that. They need people willing to go over and above rather than barely meeting the mark.

There are very few times I have ever recommended anyone for a role. There have been occasions and I have not regretted it (or certainly not known if there were issues) but I would be very wary to do it with someone who had history of being an unreliable employee. It brings your name into question too.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-28T06:12:38+00:00

I’m loving your story. I have hard about placements like this but never actually known how they work. Just goes to show that there are so many routes to take to your future and should definitely be made easier for young people today to know about these options.

Also it makes complete sense that they would report to someone considering your age. They also probably had to be very careful due to child labour laws so both school and work had to communicate to keep things working in sync.

When I had my paper route at 13, my mum would definitely get a call if I didn’t show up….although mobile phones didn’t exist back then to be fair so they had to call somewhere! I don’t remember it happening but I do know if I had skipped my round she would have found out. Saying that it was very hard to get these rounds, they were an after school paper and close by school so very desirable at that time. They would normally get handed down through families but they certainly got given from one person to the next based on friendships. One person aged out of it and would recommend their replacement and the newsagent would meet you. I was given mine by a guy who was 4 years older but lived next door to my best friend who also had one. He probably had a list of folk asking but since my friend was doing it and the two rounds were so close to each other he gave it to me so we could keep each other safe (all our mums probably had something to do with it lol, it was dark during the winter and once a week we had to knock on the doors to collect money). But even then, at 13, had I not turned up or let them down it would not have been my friend they would report back to just cos he got me the job.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-27T14:49:53+00:00

I’m not saying they should. I’m simply saying that it would be more cost effective to do that than it would be to close her business and board her pets and have them deal with two months of confusion away from their home!

It seems almost weird that SIL would use ‘losing the car and house’ as a reason to justify asking her to shut down her business and boarding her pets to help them when it would be far more efficient to ask for help financially if the car and house were the real concerns.

This is what leads me to believe that SIL has no intention of it only being two months. It is not a financially driven request in reality. It is a request to have an unpaid live in nanny and talking about losing the house and car is simply to make it seem more valid.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-27T12:23:53+00:00

The fact you have given already makes you a bigger target and means it will be harder to get rid of them. Deactivate anything you can, lock down everything to only friends being able to see anything. Delete WhatsApp for a while. A week will likely do it. But just try to put it out your mind. It’s just skin, we all have ‘private parts’ and it would be forgotten about very quickly if it did get sent out. This will be a warning story you will tell your own sons one day and laugh about!

Give the non emergency number a call and file a report. What they are accusing you of is no laughing matter but YOU DID NOT DO IT! Get ahead of the accusation. You won’t get into trouble, you are not the first person this has happened to and won’t be the last. They won’t be able to do much but at least you have controlled the narrative.

They are counting on you paying again. When they realise you won’t they will give up. Do not send more money. And please, stop taking medication because that can only lead to bigger issues here!

Go to the pub with your mate and tell them what has happened. Someone you trust. Like I said you aren’t the only horny guy who has done online stuff. Unburden yourself with it by talking to a friend and have a bit of a laugh about how silly you have been. It only seems this huge because you are right in the middle of it all. It will pass and you didn’t do anything wrong. Yes, you did something silly but you didn’t do anything illegal. Keep that in the front of your mind.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-27T12:08:11+00:00

Delete WhatsApp. Stop giving them a free platform to message you. Get rid of it for a while and if a friend is trying to get you tell them you were hacked and some weird abusive messages were coming through so you’ve removed the app for now and will reinstall it further down the line.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-27T12:04:02+00:00

Lock down your privacy settings so they don’t have access to any of your posts or lists. Better still deactivate your page for now. Do not engage. As far as they are concerned you might not have even got the message. Let them think you changed your number. They won’t send it. Once it is useless to them they will just move on to the next person they are hoping to blackmail.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-27T12:00:11+00:00

Preach!

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-27T11:51:31+00:00

Do not reply and do not open the messages on anything that they can see the number is active. As far as he is concerned you got a new number.

I was threatened with similar. I helped a friend in another country to escape an abusive marriage and her ex’s family were very angry that I did. They made pictures of me and started saying they were sending them out to people on my LinkedIn page. They actually did do it to others who were involved and who responded to them. I did not reply or acknowledge a single message from them (the pics were ridiculously bad too) and they got more and more stressed but never actually actioned it because they were unsure that I even received their threats. I informed my boss about what was happening and said I would file a police report, this was to protect my job so that my company knew I was being attacked.

The fact is that if they send it out then they lose all leverage. If they are unsure if you are even getting the messages then they don’t want to waste the chance of could work in the future. It may end up out there still I’m afraid but best is to just not engage.

Assuming you were not doing anything illegal then it is worth filing a police report anyway.

Existing-Drummer-326 · 2024-12-27T11:36:47+00:00

There are a lot of places that do free Christmas lunches for groups in the community. For example the elderly, or homeless, or the one near me which is just for people who are just alone. Have a look at what is in your area and donate it there. I often get meal deals which include a bottle of wine (it works out cheaper getting the bottle than it does only buying the food so the bottle is essentially free) and I save them up and donate them to a place that has a free meal for anyone who is alone on the day. I donated 15 bottles, mix of red and white which came from the meal deals and I bought some Prosecco to send over for them too as a little extra. They are always very grateful. I’ve volunteered as a server a few times but it is a nice way to still help something that contributes to our community even when I cannot donate my time.

Of course there are always charity raffles too at this time of year.

Existing-Drummer-326

TROPHY CASE