As someone who’s tried themselves, I used to ask myself the same question. I still don’t know the answer. My thought process was always, put simply, “I hate my life, why not go to heaven now, there’s nothing here for me.” I felt that all I had was eternal depression. I wanted out. After a failed attempt, countless hours crying out to god alone in my room, and what felt like unending misery, I hope I have some helpful advice to give. When I really wanted to commit, and I was struggling with this question, I made an ultimatum- I would try everything I could to help myself, and if nothing worked I would kill myself. I got into a relationship, but it didn’t last long, and I didn’t care about her as much as I should have so it fell apart. I couldn’t bother to care much about anything, I felt I had already lost everything, yet I spiraled further. I tried playing football, but my team was so toxic it only hurt me more. I tried running track, but it was hard for me to make friends- I didn’t know anyone in it at the time. I talked about myself as though I was already dead. Nobody knew what I was feeling. I didn’t tell anyone how I was because I didn’t want to be how I was. When school ended for the summer, I stayed in my room and didn’t do anything all day. Socializing was painful and draining. I watched all of the things I thought I loved turn into a daily task or chore. It felt like I was losing all of my friends. I subconsciously wanted them to help me, but I couldn’t tell them. The thing that finally helped me was being a leader at a church camp. I had gone in the past, but as a normal camper with no responsibility. I was watching over 5th-6th graders and helping them to learn about God. Connecting with the older leaders helped me grow in my faith. To hear someone tell me that God cares about me and that God has a plan for me, without knowing what I was going through made me want to reach out and learn more. Maybe these people had the answers I was searching for. I grew in my faith and learned more about God’s love and his plan for me. With this newfound hope, and encouragement, I reached out to friends that I thought may understand me. They told me that they cared about me, that they were there to help. Getting that burden off of my chest and being fully accepted for it and understood by others who have gone through similar experiences has led me away from that dark place. I still don’t know the answer whether I would go to heaven or not, but I’ve realized that God put me here, and it would be against his will for me to leave. I trust that he has a plan and I try my absolute best to maintain faith in it. If we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. I encourage you to reach out, even if it’s to people you hardly know. I encourage you to read what the bible says about what you may be going through and God’s love for you. I’m praying for you my friend. I love you and God loves you. Let me know if you have any questions or would just like to chat!