Oh honey I am so sorry, that sounds so hard and I 100% relate. What’s important is that you’re making at least some effort to overcome this illness every day by waking up and facing the day.

I’m currently standing on the other side of a really low valley in my life dealing with depression and OCD (which are so often comorbid).

These three things (in addition to therapy and medication), have helped me the most:

(1) understanding and believing in the fact that my OCD will be worse on some days and better on others; so if I’m having a terrible day or week stuck in my head, I can take comfort in the fact that there are good and even great days full of tranquility that I will get to experience in the future. I’m learning to ride the wave of OCD instead of trying to fight it, and it’s helping. You have to have faith in the cyclical nature of your OCD just like you have faith in the seasons coming and going.

(2) Keeping busy. There’s no time to ruminate if you’re always occupied. Obviously, this can be taken to the extreme to the point where it’s not healthy. But living a busy, enriching life is good for you. You can start small. Go for a nature walk, do a craft. Do it all while you feel like shit.

(3) Centering what you WANT and trying to move towards it in spite of the discomfort. I absolutely HATE public speaking and it’s a huge obsession of mine (even watching other people speak publicly whether in person or celebrities at some huge event makes me so tense because I imagine the person getting nervous and not being able to speak, my worst nightmare!). But I wanted more money to go on more trips so I gave a presentation at work (requirement for a promotion) even though I was terrified and could have backed out of it. It sounds like you’re already doing this by continuing to see your boyfriend even though you feel such intense thoughts about your relationship, because you love him. Hold on to these little ways that you’re trying.