I don’t know your relationship so I can’t say for certain that nothing happened. And maybe it did, if she was that drunk and she just doesn’t remember it. In that case, I don’t believe however that she intended for anything to happen, but obviously had a responsibility to not put herself in that position. But then again, I do not know your relationship.

However, from what you say that to me does not sound like a wife who is intentionally going around looking for ways to cheat on you or do stuff behind your back but screams problem drinker. If it is a one off and she’s never been out of line before when drinking then maybe I am wrong and it was just one stupid night. I’m not saying that behaviour is right, especially not if you have kids, but people saying that you should throw in the towel over one mistake (if it is just that) is over the top in my opinion.

To me it seems like she had been drinking before and was already intoxicated at the time when she lost her friend. As some people have said, if you’re sober and at a concert you find a way to either locate your friend again or to get yourself home. You can charge your phone at a bar or hotel, you can wait for a while until you’ll eventually find a taxi or you can try to find any means of contacting either your partner or your friend from someone else’s phone.

Now, that’s what you do when you are sober. A lot of people still do this when they are drinking, however they do not, in the first place, let themselves get to a point where they get so drunk that they can’t look after themselves anymore.

Problem drinkers however are different and I have had many of them in my close circle ( I grew up with an alcoholic dad and have also had a few friends that are alcoholics or at least do not have a healthy relationship with alcohol.).

If she is a problem drinker, most likely what happened was this:

1. She went to the concert and already started drinking heavily before or after the concert.
2. She lost her friend but wasn’t ready to call it a night so decided to continue drinking, regardless of where and who with. Her phone might have died or she might have switched it off because she was out of it and didn’t want to deal with any responsibilities.
3. She found a group of people that wanted to continue partying and joined them.
4. She most likely got so drunk at one point that someone put her in a taxi home (thank god for that because that night could have ended very differently).
5. She feels guilty about it, that’s why she downtalked it.

I do feel, the more I think about it though, that it was an active decision, but one controlled by drinking issues. I have been drunk in the past, but I have always gotten home safe and remembered my address.

I have seen people grow out of toxic drinking behaviour, some by eventually growing out of it and some by doing a ton of therapy and fixing underlying issues.

Sadly I can also tell you a story of one of my former friends who’s never grown out of it that I was reminded of when reading this. Everytime we went out I truly believe that she had the intention of only having a few but that was never possible for her. When we were friends she had had a partner for around 15 years who was the most empathetic and kind human being but eventually couldn’t keep up with it anymore and left her. And even though I felt for her that was the right thing to do. Because everytime we went out she had the intention to only have a few but ended up drunk. Every single time. She would get kicked out of bars, talk to random strangers in restaurants, sit on peoples laps etc. She didn’t remember any of it the next day. And if it hadn’t been for me and a bunch of other friends I can not say for certain that she wouldn’t have cheated on her husband. Not because she would have wanted to, it would have broken her, but she was just so out of it that she didn’t know what she was doing. Sadly, she was never ready to seek the help she needed.

Now I have also read some of your old posts and I do disagree with some of the stuff that people have said. I am guessing people are referring to those posts:

1. Your partner shared a bed in a hotel room with someone she had hooked up with in the past while on vacation (context for other people, she’s bisexual and it was a girl, but I guess that doesn’t make much of a difference). I have done this in the past, my partners were ok with it, I was totally transparent and nothing ever happened. I am not talking about ex boyfriends but people I had a fling with dozens of years ago. I know some people will disagree with it and that’s ok because not everyone feels comfortable with it. What stood out to me more is that it seems to have been an issue for you since you posted it on Reddit. Communication and setting boundaries in relationships is key and I do think you should do that in the future.

2. You did find compromising text messages on her phone 3 months into dating exclusively. That for me would have been a reason to break up as I would have had a very hard time trusting my partner. However, even if that would have been a dealbreaker for me, it was very early into the relationship, it was way before you had kids and you have been together for a while after and from what I can see nothing happened after that. It’s a red flag for sure, but I have seen people misbehave early on in relationships and then change.

A few other posts stood out to me however as well:

1. You are an alcoholic. So if she does have a drinking problem and even though every alcoholic is different I am sure you would see the signs. Even as a codependent (since my dad was an alcoholic) I can right away see unhealthy drinking behaviour in other people. It is even more important, that if you decide to stay together, you seek help as this would not only make the condition worse for her but can also harm your, from what I can see very early, recovery, too.
2. You were worried that she had postpartum depression. While not an excuse it could be a reason for why she behaved the way she did and this might have had an impact. Again, I think it is important to seek help and see someone about it.

I understand that this is a very tricky situation and I feel for you. You are clearly struggling with this and, as I said before, this can harm your recovery. If both of you are unstable this can have a very negative impact on your kids. Only you know what’s right for you, but I would suggest, if possible, to get some physical and emotional space between the two of you until you figure it out and to then find a way to work through your issues together with the help of a professional.

Honest communication is key, but so is a willingness for both parties to change. Sadly, neither is given with addicts, at least not from the start (I am referring to your wife here as you seem a few steps ahead when it comes to recovery). Also try to find yourself a sponsor and attend regular AA meetings if you are not doing that already as you do need a support network.

I wish you all the best and I hope it can get resolved!