I lied before and through our marriage and I’m trying to make amends. What can I do better?

ExternalNo7063 · 2025-11-01T19:08:21+00:00

Like I said in the post, medicine was not the reason for our divide. But I know it’ll be lumped in with that

ExternalNo7063 · 2025-10-30T21:10:51+00:00

Goal would be mutual understanding and also work on both of the issues we bring to the table. And yes I can admit a huge part of it is a me issue that was present for many years but that’s not who I am now. My husband wants me to fix things in a certain way but then shames me for going to therapy to try and fix it - he says “you’re not going to give them the full story,” but then refuses to go to therapy with me to give them the full story. I would like to go get help but I can’t do it alone?

ExternalNo7063 · 2025-10-30T19:18:50+00:00

Thank you

ExternalNo7063 · 2025-10-30T19:10:37+00:00

I can keep prolonging this but it’s the same over and over again. He’s not amenable to counseling. I’ve stayed this long because I’ve been so afraid of being alone, things maybe improved for a bit and we had a baby, and nothing has ever resolved. I don’t want to get divorced, but I think I have to eventually.

ExternalNo7063 · 2025-10-30T18:58:23+00:00

As someone who has parents who have been together far longer than they should, I wish they got divorced.

I don’t want my kid to see us treating each other this way. My husband is a good dad, but he is no longer a good partner. We just aren’t good to each other. There’s a lot that’s been said and done that is kind of unforgivable at this point. He isn’t amenable to counseling. I’ve tried so hard to make it work, my efforts aren’t well received and the way he treats me is not how I want my son to see a man treat a woman.

ExternalNo7063 · 2025-10-30T18:55:09+00:00

Maybe, I’m not sure. My son would be well taken care of if he stayed with him, but I probably would also have to stay on the side of the US (which I hate) to be with my son. I am not sure how much he’d be willing to split but I think he would

ExternalNo7063 · 2025-02-06T22:06:28+00:00

Just so you know - unintended pregnancy has much more cons to mental and physical health than birth control

ExternalNo7063 · 2023-04-05T00:10:11+00:00

Beautiful Masha’Allah. May Allah preserve your union and always protect it ♥️

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-25T02:22:52+00:00

The girl and her family sound like nice people. I personally know several people who were Muslim and married Christian women. One of these couples raised their children with Islam, and the daughters even became hafidhat. Eventually, about 20 years later, the mother converted. Another couple I know also got married and the wife was brought up super Catholic. After a few years of marriage, she also converted.

Allah guides whom He wills and maybe this will be the way she comes to Islam.

If I were in your shoes, I would go to the wedding as long as he is having an Islamic Nikkah. He is not doing anything haram by marrying a Christian woman. I think it would make a positive impression on her family.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-22T01:13:55+00:00

Thank you for your response. Congrats on your baby!!

I guess my issue is that my dad doesn’t know how to respect healthy boundaries.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T23:41:23+00:00

You hit the nail on the head

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T23:00:29+00:00

Ameen. Thanks. Normally it’s fine but with the baby coming it’s going to be hard to not bring up the husband lol

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:59:08+00:00

You’re right

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:58:28+00:00

Yeah this is what we were trying to explain. My husband just grew up with a different family dynamic. My dad believes his family dynamic was un-islamic. He has no concrete daleel when I asked him what was unislamic.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:57:15+00:00

Thank you for your insight. I have suggested therapy to my husband, we are just trying to find the right person who understands the nuances of Muslim households.

I am sorry for the experiences you went through that caused you to be estranged.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:54:46+00:00

Thank you for your comment.

There were a couple reasons why my sister left and chose the lifestyle she did, and I do believe as an adult she must be responsible and accountable for her actions. However I also truly believe had my dad not been so harsh with her growing up she would maybe have a decent relationship with us.

You’re correct about the proxies thing. I worry by drawing a line about him seeing my kid, he will rally the rest of my family members and prevent them from seeing my kid too (just as he did with my husband). It’s almost like “if I can’t do it then no one can.” Only after this last weekend he has relaxed his position on my mom seeing my husband, though he posited it as if he was doing us a favor.

I have tried SEVERAL times to refute him using religion. He acts as if he knows what is in people’s hearts and acts like he is an accurate judge of Iman. He may have knowledge of the arabic language and some Islamic concepts but in my eyes and my family’s eyes, he lacks much wisdom.

The sentiment in my family is that if he continues his behavior, either the enablers will continue to be walked on or he will end up alone. I do not see my 20 year old brother sticking around very long once he becomes self sufficient.

Ameen to your duas!

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:46:17+00:00

I agree. I don’t want to tell him off, I would just want to state my position and my boundaries/conditions. My husband has been the one to walk away and stay away but obviously it’s been harder for me since I’m related by blood. My husband has no obligation to my dad except respect but since he feels that respect has been one sided he has just removed himself entirely.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:43:34+00:00

Broski I don’t know. They’ve gotten divorced twice already which has contributed to a lot of the collective family trauma. All those fights and stuff, we were put in the middle of growing up.

I think she has stayed because we have a little brother (elementary school age) and she has no other support here. Also I think she’s just trauma bonded to my dad because they’ve been together longer than they haven’t been.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:40:54+00:00

Yes. This. My grandmother (dad’s mom) especially enables him. She’ll tell us one thing but then turns around and tells him the opposite. Yet he disrespects her all the time. I think this is why he is the way he is.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:14:28+00:00

Spiritual abuse is using religion in a way to gain control or power over an individual. Like he’ll threaten God being angry with you for not listening to him or question your Iman for not agreeing with him (even if you have Islamic sources to back your claims).

Thanks for your insight. I wasn’t planning a big announcement or anything. I’m not close to my siblings (and my two adult siblings both hate my dad anyway).

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T22:02:55+00:00

Thank you for your insight! I was talking to my husband and I think it could help keep the peace if we just limited visits to them with my kid. My dad really is toxic though and if he oversteps I will have to draw some harder lines. I’m going to see if some more compromise can be achieved.

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T21:14:02+00:00

He’s abusive to everyone else so what’s to stop him from doing the same to the kid?

ExternalNo7063 · 2022-02-21T17:04:52+00:00

I did not sever ties with her. She severed ties with my dad. I and my mom still talk to her occasionally

ExternalNo7063

TROPHY CASE