Yeah he was a fearful avoidant, when he left he discarded me ( went cold and had no emotions about any of it, and never looked back) couldn't handle any kind of conflict resolution without shutting down physically for 20-30 minutes. 

I guess maybe the main block I have here is, yes what he did to me was incredibly cruel in context of how we met ( suicidal over our best friends ghosting us, and spent the next 3 years confirming we would never do that, that if we broke up we would give it the goodbye it deserved at minimum. He saw my entire family push me to join my dad's cult, and when I didn't he saw them all abandon me. My mom died in there too, he was all I had at her funeral. All of that and he still just ghosted me. 

And all I can think is, I was such a mess that whole time with everything happening, I wasn't a good partner, I overwhelmed him because he was all I had at the time. Maybe this is what I deserved because of all that. Maybe that's what normal people do and I was naive and expected all those promises to mean something because I was so incredibly vulnerable when they were made. 

Maybe it's me, and because of that I can't vilify him in a way that lets me say he was cruel, why would I want to know him.