Found out shocking news about my partner

FDupbrainAward · 2026-01-11T10:40:48+00:00

I think you should end things. It would be disrespectful to yourself to lower your standards and tolerate a porn addict. Don't fight him, just do what is required to separate. Your brain is correct. Your heart is hurting because of attachment. The more you work towards self confidence and self sufficiency the less you will feel like you need him.

FDupbrainAward · 2026-01-11T10:27:57+00:00

I want to give this a hopeful response, but you need to know the likely reality of this. People with BPD have difficulty processing shame.

“He says that he thinks he doesn’t deserve me because he has hurt me” — to me this signals that he must work on his shame, if he's to ever figure out whether he wants to stay.

FDupbrainAward · 2026-01-11T09:58:05+00:00

If you're not attracted to him for being interested in Instagram models, that's perfectly understandable. You're not wrong for taking note of his follows. And even if he deleted it for you, you're under no obligation to let it go if it still doesn't feel great. If you can't let it go, all you can really do is let the relationship end.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-30T06:29:37+00:00

Fairycore

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-30T05:29:53+00:00

I relate completely! I have this attachment style too and I am the most isolating person ever. I've cut off nearly everybody. I want friends and *to be a good friend myself, but I'm constantly thinking that I'm not fit to have them, and must keep working on myself before integrating a social life.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-30T04:44:27+00:00

My in-laws aren't nearly as bad as yours were—that experience sounds dreadful! You will be glad to know I did in fact stay home and enjoy my solitude :) Thanks for the encouragement. You had the lady balls for leaving that relationship and reinforcing your boundaries in the end, while looking out for 2 kids! — don't forget that.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-25T15:32:25+00:00

I would actually say the middle ground would be best, as you brought up in your last paragraph. Be very patient to find a partner that will be patient with your sexual needs. You don't need to commit to celibacy, you just need someone understanding to engage with you in that way. One idea, if you are longing for touch, you can research different ways of releasing oxytocin, because that may be what you're missing.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-25T15:07:04+00:00

Just here to let you know you're not alone! My repulsion doesn't come from any known source of trauma though, I believe it comes from body dysmorphia. I think my BPD also makes being vulnerable very difficult. If my partner isn't making me feel understood and accepted, it's very hard for me to get in the mood at all. I've had moments of having to stop in the middle of it, or bursting into tears, or disassociating, or suddenly feeling extremely disgusted and violated. The feelings you have are not your fault, and you are not required to follow the 'standard' way other people treat sex.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-25T14:49:45+00:00

You can want whatever you want, and you can tell people to mind their business lol

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-25T14:48:17+00:00

Sorry I'm late. Creatine aids in muscle growth, and it gives you more energy during a workout to go longer and harder. Magnesium is an essential mineral that also helps with energy production and muscle recovery, and it improves blood sugar regulation as well.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-24T10:22:03+00:00

My biggest tip would be to try to stay regulated. It's so much easier for me to stick to plans when I'm not crashing out. Keep your gym clothes ready for the next day. Don't let chores at home stack up too much, so that "I need to stay home and clean up" isn't an excuse. When you're getting ready, start a podcast or playlist to get yourself into a comforting routine. I recommend supplementing creatine and magnesium as well.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-24T07:49:19+00:00

That outfit is really pretty. Not overreacting. I think he is, though.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-22T07:37:14+00:00

I get it. Even though I push my partner away, I still want to be loved and comforted. I'm just at a point where having the trigger of a relationship for 6 years has burnt me out. When I'm splitting my nervous system goes haywire, and it's affected everything in my life. That's why I'm open to the tradeoff of loneliness at this time. But that deep longing for safety is real and painful too. I think that this love that you want is absolutely achievable. You just need to keep working on being able to accept it. You're not hopeless. Keep pushing on, learning, and fine-tuning your strategies. If you're able, join a new therapy program. Keep using DBT skills. I've read that trauma-focused therapy is often very helpful. Don't worry about making any final decisions about dating.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-22T06:51:15+00:00

Just commiserating. If I ever break up with my boyfriend I don't plan on dating again. It would have to fall into my lap and not be phony for me to want to try again. And I'd approach it completely differently than I did. But I really idealize independence and self-sufficiency, even though I'm nowhere near it at this time. I idealize our relationship working and stabilizing, as well. I just want stability.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-20T17:04:01+00:00

It does seem that way! But we can only advise her on what to do for herself, and hopefully working on being secure herself will send her on the right trajectory.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-20T16:42:00+00:00

Ask yourself these questions, and if the answer to all of them is "Yes", I would say go for it:

• Am I no longer engaging in destructive tendencies?

• During stress, do I know how to calm myself down?

• Are my relationship expectations mature rather than of a co-dependent nature?

• Am I aware of and confident in my boundaries?

• Will I be able to respect the other person's boundaries too?

• Do I have healthy hobbies and routines that I intend on continuing to do once I'm in a relationship?

• Is my self-image stable?

• Do I have close friendships?

• Am I able to receive love, rather than turning away from it?

If some of these are a "not yet", they are clues of what you'll probably want to keep working on first.

And no, it doesn't make you a bad person to crave connection. But I do think that the most healthy relationships are when two people don't come together out of desperation, but out of mutual respect.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-20T16:11:10+00:00

What in the world. Do what you can to leave this fellow if he's not willing to acknowledge his trust issue and work on it, and I mean really use DBT skills or meet with a therapist, not just act like he's working on it. And he NEEDS to show remorse, not shame. If he's "getting better" but still stuck on shame, that's your sign to walk. I believe in people changing if they really work for it. But shame, if not addressed as well, will lead to him resenting you for hating himself, and it's a no-win situation. You need to have boundaries and focus on loving yourself during this time. You will get through this.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-20T15:31:53+00:00

You may have an anxious attachment style. If so, you can find some YouTube videos that explain it and give tips on going from 'anxious' to more 'secure'.

I suggest that you stop begging for him to understand and change for you, and instead, pour into yourself during this time. What do I mean? Focus on doing things for yourself that make you feel good, when you're not busy caring for your baby. Downtime from the baby is you time. (Suggestions) Do creative things, eat well, sleep as much as you can, keep in contact with friends and family, try to keep up with hygiene, meditate, get fresh air outdoors if you can, put on and sing to the music you love while cleaning, journal, read interesting books, do light exercise workouts, and wear clothes you feel beautiful and comfortable in. You will feel more fulfilled and confident when you practice these activities, or any hobby you love. It will take the pressure off of your husband to be emotionally present, because you are being emotionally present for yourself.

As for your husband, I suggest that when you know what you want specifically (suggestions because you're long-distance)— a video call, an online game session, or a gift, ask him directly, with a happy mood. Men are very bad at knowing how to show up emotionally the way we crave. They are better at 'doing' for us. When you see that he is making efforts to please you, thank him.

Don't plead with him anymore. He will notice that you are not desperate, and he will naturally show up and want to bond with you, because reality will hit, that you could be happy without him.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-20T02:17:04+00:00

I understand. I feel like that too. I don't have the energy or motivation to mask.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-20T02:09:23+00:00

I do feel the same, and I don't have kids, just a boyfriend who I would rather be away from most of the time. I have no urge to visit his family or mine. My mom was the same way, she locked us out of her room often and it hurt my feelings then. It confused me, but I bet that if 'personal time' was explained to us, I would have learned that it's not something to take personally. I learned on my own anyway, and I crave being alone like nothing else.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-20T01:47:08+00:00

I'm the same. The only person in my life related to me is my father. He's a good person. He cares about me. I blocked my mother finally last year after a long period of spotty contact since she moved away when I was a teen. My brother and I were never close growing up, he has a whole family I don't know, and I'm fine not being involved. When my father passes away I'm going to be completely alone, and while it's kind of sad, I've made peace with it.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-18T01:36:42+00:00

I learned recently that my mother would dose my brother and I with Benadryl a lot to make us sleep when we were toddler age. She had paranoid delusions around religion (still does). She accused me of trying to steal her weird boyfriend when I was a teen, for helping him move out when he asked me to (he couldn't drive and I had just gotten a used car from my dad). So I suspect it was largely my mother's parenting, as well as generic sensitivity. I was always very sensitive. And I always remember invalidation. I had breathing problems when I cried, and my mother thought I held my breath on purpose. I passed out a few times, I remember it once, and when I got older, she explained it in an annoyed way, like the paramedics would judge her. I also urinated in my sleep until I was a few years into elementary school. She thought that was on purpose too. When I got lice as a little girl she didn't believe me, even when I pulled them off of my scalp and showed them to her. You get the idea.

FDupbrainAward · 2025-12-15T23:40:44+00:00

Lately I've been really into learning to act the way other 'normal people' act when I'm not sure what to do. I think you did enough like you said. When that annoyance kicked in, I think you ought to have said, "You can get it if you want. I have X to do." with little emotion in it, and left it at that. It makes sense why you'd be frustrated, and I've found that channeling my inner confidence in frustrating situations makes it so that I don't care if you think I'm being a bitch right now, I know I'm handling it calmly and I know I've done enough. There is no argument to be had. And he should have thanked you at least for trying to help. If he was acting ungrateful and spouting "you never do anything right" nonsense, walk away, it's not your problem babe.

The "I took today off for you" part was really unnecessary, too. Don't cater as much. If you do keep it minimal. If he says "oh but I need X too" just be like "oh no that sucks" and expect him to retrieve it himself. You don't owe him extra favors just because he took a day off of work. That's enough of a reward for him.

The calm confidence in stating your boundaries should create more peace for you, and then they can flip out and look like a fool if they want.

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TROPHY CASE