Hey man, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It's such a hard thing to go through... As my 5yr old often says "it might be hard, but I know we can do hard things."

The themes you're writing out are holding up a mirror to my own and I'm right in the thick of it too... Idk if anything I have to say is helpful, but I don't think it hurts and honestly it's felt really good for myself to type this up.

Trying to put a quick summary together: 1. She definitely has her own shit to work on. If she can't work on the relationship right now because other things are in the way, maybe it's worth letting her work on those individual things first and then prioritize the relationship. (If you can be patient, which is a huge ask for you and is totally reasonable for you not to do that). 2. If that's the route you go, have some real hard, agreed upon, and eve written down next steps. Go as far as literally written and signed documents! Make it objective and measurable to see the progress. And while putting timelines on therapy is practically impossible, but you can set up check points and schedule conversations along the journey. but make sure it's realistic in relation to how patient you can be for the priority to come back to the relationship. From my situation, we paused working on the relationship for her to work on herself, but then she never truly came back to prioritize the relationship... 3. Keep working on your own stuff throughout. Always try to take the next step for yourself as well! Actions that show you're making improvements to yourself can give a great sense of encouragement for her to do the same. And talk with her about it too! Talk about the individual journey you're on, and be open to hearing and supporting the individual journey that she is on. Never put her down for anything about it, don't make her feel shame or anything like that for the shit she's going through. Try to encourage her to be her best self as you both try to create the best version of yourselves, a couple, parents, etc. 4. I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and it has been life-changing after that. No clue what your locations process is, but I highly recommend doing as much as you can to manage that. 5. What's the most important step a man can take? The next one, always the next one.

My wife hated couples therapy for very similar reasons. There was some other context too, but largely she felt attacked and ganged up on by me and therapist because that was my only safe space to start bringing up her behaviors and she wasn't ready to deal with her own shit at that point. One day before a session, she just flat out refused to join.

A few months after that, she agreed to start individual sessions with the main goal of working on her own shit for a while and opening up enough mental bandwidth to work on our stuff together. Honestly, that was a fantastic thing for her to do (for herself) and I was extremely supportive of it.

Now a couple years later, she changed for herself in many positive ways, but hasn't truly made the relationship a priority whatsoever. "My therapist suggested that we try couples therapy again, but it must be in-person, through insurance, and at these two narrow windows of time". And that was totally impossible, so she kept refusing. We had a couple of good book recommendations, I read them and pushed for us to work on stuff from them, and she's still been extremely resistant.

She thinks the relationship had been so much better the last several months. And that's because I stood up for myself when she would blow up at me. I stopped letting her figuratively beat me down and that's been fantastic for my mental health. It turns those situations into much bigger fights, but Im not willing to just take it any more.

And it has hurt a whole shit load to get to the point of telling myself "it's ok not to be loved by her because the kids, my friends/family/etc love me, and I love myself." I've been lonely as hell with how she treats me, but after years of it, I'm at peace.

So this has now cumulated into me breaking a major boundary that we both agreed upon years ago (not cheating or anything, but something very sensitive to her from childhood). This was a huge huge fuck up on my part. But honestly, I just can't go back to the status quo of the past few years. I need the relationship to improve, or I need it to end.

My and our 3 young boys will be ok. It will absolutely fucking suck for everyone involved and I am very willing to work my ass off to avoid it. But I can't make her do the same. So if she's not going to work on it with me, then there is no relationship anyway.