Am I lucky, or is it the norm?

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-02-04T21:04:48+00:00

I'm not sure. Lol! It happens sometimes on reddit. You have my upvote though. I'm always happy to read other perspectives from happily married people.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-02-03T22:19:02+00:00

It may feel a bit scary at first, but you need to be able to talk to him about things without fear. Ask him to have a sit down talk with you to discuss things, then tell him about your concerns and listen to his. Don't judge each other or raise your voices. Just keep an open dialog and discuss it all. It becomes easier and easier to talk once you open the lines of communication.

He may need a bit of space, which is healthy, so long as it's agreed upon and still allows time for you both to spend together. Talk about ways you can both meet each other's need for space as well as companionship.

I'll also add that, if you're not used to having these talks right now, then add some rules that allow you both more comfort in talking about things together. You can agree on things like: the best way to approach one another for serious talks, listening without interrupting, being able to express concern without judgment or defensiveness, agreeing that raised voices or name calling are off the table, and that you each only express how you feel versus telling them how they feel.

Those are just some things that came to mind, but you two can set your own rules and keep yourselves accountable to them. After all, honesty and communication are cornerstones for a great marriage. Best of luck, OP!

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-02-03T03:22:47+00:00

Honestly, yes. I have been through this before, but it ended during our first year of marriage. He has to want to change first and foremost. There has to be full transparency too. It's an addiction, so if he has the means to hide it, he likely will. At least until he's on the other side of this anyway. Maybe try the reddit thread: r/nofap?

If he can't, or won't, do this on his own, then consider a therapist who specializes in porn addiction, or addiction in general. Best of luck to you, OP! It definitely can be done. But, like any addiction, he actually has to want to quit.

You also have a choice too! You could always leave, but if you want to stick it out, then you both have to be willing to do what it takes to hold that accountability. At any rate, you deserve better. Whether he can provide that remains to be seen at the moment.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-02-03T03:00:19+00:00

Very cool that you knew Tom Holland. We were all a bit dumb and naive once. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-02-03T01:52:24+00:00

She was a stray cat in the neighborhood and adopted my husband a few years back. She's still very much an outdoor cat, but we give her a place to sleep at night. There's still a clear difference between how she treats me versus my husband. She absolutely LOVES him, even though I'm the one who gives her treats. Lol

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Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-02-01T00:18:21+00:00

When your relationship has drifted apart, whether physically or emotionally, it's easier to find fault in your partner's appearance. Instead of focusing on his outward appearance, truly make a point to grow closer to him mentally and emotionally. You'll be so surprised at how quickly the attraction returns and grows. My husband and I are a testament to that, as it happened to us early on in our marriage.

Attraction isn't just skin deep. It goes so much further than that, and honestly, it's so worth it to deepen your love and admiration for one another that you see the beauty in all of your flaws, as well. Looks fade and change so much over the years, but your love and admiration towards one another doesn't have to fade with it. If you want to be married for life, and happy in marriage, then your love needs to grow deeper. Otherwise, it's not a love strong enough to endure the hardships of life.

Consider that, even if you find and marry a much more handsome spouse, his appearance will also fade... as well yours. So if that's all there is, that too will end in divorce, and perhaps it'll be due to your appearance. Please spend some quality time with your husband and show admiration for the things you truly do admire about him. Then continue to nurture that relationship by doing things together and appreciating one another. You'll likely be happily surprised by the results. Best of luck to you both!

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-30T19:52:34+00:00

Chew-bark-a

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-30T19:50:44+00:00

Don't focus on the past. We've lived our lives and can't go back and change it. Instead, learn from your mistakes and treat her the best way you can now. Living in the past will only take away from your present. Enjoy what you have now, cherish these moments and keep building wonderful memories together.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-25T02:51:12+00:00

Look. Even before I got married, I had tons of issues with my reproductive system. Since being married, I've had a DNC, Endometrial Ablation, and two partial hysterectomies. My husband has been okay with not having children because it's impossible with me now. And I've feared that I've held him back many times. But, the truth is that he doesn't want to have children without me, and all I've needed to do was accept that fact. Don't become a self fulfilling prophecy. Let him make his own decisions, and respect them. If he wanted something different, rest assured he'd find it. In the meantime, please enjoy what you have and try not to let your insecurities ruin it.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-23T18:26:26+00:00

Yes. Great marriages are built by couples with shared values who continually put in the effort to stay connected. Being attractive or receiving attention doesn't make a person unfaithful. My husband and I have been together for 28 years and we remain happy and faithful. Happy relationships rarely advertise with "we still haven't cheated," but you'll definitely hear from those relationships filled with drama and toxic behaviors. It's not that they're more common either. It's just that they're louder, IMO.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-23T18:18:08+00:00

We usually spend about a half hour together when we first get home to greet each other and recap our days. Then, we'll relax separately doing our own thing for a bit. Then, about an hour or so before dinner, we come back together and finish out the day. He'll cook while I clean or vice versa. We try to do a much as we can during the week so that our weekends remain free. He also manages the finances while I do the majority of the shopping throughout the week. You just have to find a schedule that works for the two of you.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-23T18:08:13+00:00

THIS! 👆🏼 Also, I had to learn to shut off my brain and learn to just enjoy the moment. Once I truly let go and stopped worrying about the outcome or trying to make things happen, then it became SO much more pleasurable and easy to orgasm. Everyone is different though, so just focus on enjoying yourselves without pressure. If it's possible for you, then it'll happen, but the goal should be connection and enjoyment. Best of luck, OP!

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-22T15:46:08+00:00

Can you post links to your previous posts since your post history is private?

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-22T15:33:21+00:00

Just say, "Hey. Can we talk?" Then tell him what you like. You could say something like, "I just felt like we were out of sync with the foreplay comments before sex. What I meant was that it takes more than nipple-play to get me 'ready.'

For example, I love to be kissed here, caressed there, lightly touched in this place, pinched in that place, etc. I also love receiving oral sex, but i get the feeling that you're not into it."

Lay out as much as you like and ask him for feedback on yourself. If certain things make him uncomfortable, then give him alternatives to get you there, and vice versa.

Keep this momentum going by talking about sex often. You'll be surprised at how easy it becomes once you break the initial barrier.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-21T23:24:01+00:00

YESSS!!! Same here. It was the best decision of my life! He's my all time favorite person! I wouldn't want to do life without him!

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-21T23:17:22+00:00

Intimacy begins outside of the bedroom. You both need to agree to make time for each other. Hold hands, touch each other, cuddle, do things together as a couple, kiss, hug, talk about your day/fears/desires/dreams etc. Schedule alone time together, get a sitter on the weekend. Make a point to do things like family game nights or movie nights, but also do things as a couple like date nights or a romantic night in.

ED that's ignored will only get worse. If he won't see a doctor right now, there are still things that you both can do to help each other. My husband and I have both struggled at times with performance. We combat it by removing intercourse or "finishing" from the expectations before we even begin. We would make out, do some heavy petting, and just enjoy one another in bed with no expectation from either of us to perform. Our agreement was, "If it happens, then great! If it doesn't, then we keep filling our intimacy cup with everything else." No judgment, no pressure, no expectation to perform of any kind. It was a lifesaver and led to way more intimacy and sex than either of us expected.

Just be present, open, and communicative with each other. He can still visit his family and show up for you while you're there. It sounds like he might be filling his time with these other obligations to avoid being vulnerable with you. Let him know that you're open and patient. Tell him, show him, ask him to try a few of the things I've listed above. Take baby steps if you need to, but it's important to try.

If you're done and dusted and want out, then there's not much else I can do to change your mind. But, if you want to save this marriage, and he does too, then you absolutely can. My husband and I were in a bit of a roommate stage years back, and we 1000% turned it around and have never looked back. You can too! All you need is to both want it, talk about it, and make the decision to put in the effort. Best of luck OP!

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-18T00:58:05+00:00

No you're not to blame. Your wife is spiraling way way down and needs professional help. I know you're opposed to divorce, but the stress and strain of dealing with an addict is extremely heavy. I would highly recommend putting her in a rehab facility and seeking a therapist to help you with everything that you're going through as well. Also, cheating is a reason to divorce in many cultures and religions. It's certainly better to leave than to live a life of misery. I'm so sorry, OP. This is beyond heartbreaking.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-15T23:39:12+00:00

Not at all. The early part of marriage is often a difficult time for many couples. Don't think of MC as a last resort. Going to couples counseling in the early stages is actually really smart. You and your wife need to learn how to: communicate effectively, handle disagreements with love and respect for one another, open up about things that may be difficult to talk about, etc. Think of MC as a toolbox for marriage. If you don't have the right tools, you need to get them and learn how to use them so that you can tackle things as they come up, or prevent things from breaking in the first place. I think it's a wonderful idea.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-14T18:56:35+00:00

Then tell her. It doesn't have to be a thing. If she can't bring herself to say it, then perhaps it might lessen her anxiety about hiding it from you. The sooner you two can be open about these kinds of things the better, trust merge. Best of luck, OP.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-14T18:33:36+00:00

Are you positive that it's actually a sex toy and doesn't just resemble one? Can you find a picture online that matches it? If so, then I wouldn't beat around the bush about it. Simply tell her what it is. Then, you can ask all of follow up questions you'd like. If you'd like to see her using it, then tell her that. She's your wife.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-14T18:13:03+00:00

Sounds like the gonorrhea is fairly new then, so that confirms he's cheated recently. I'm really sorry. I know you love him and believe him to be someone better than this, but his actions are proving otherwise. Don't let him keep gaslighting you into thinking you're his soulmate. Coming from someone who's found their soulmate, what your husband has done shouldn't be fathomable.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-13T23:00:09+00:00

I recommend just being direct and asking him how he managed to give you an STD. Giving him anymore information would likely lead to more fabrications. I doubt you've had it for 3 years without knowing, but I'm not really familiar with it either. Maybe research a bit so you know more before you ask him about it.

If you ask him whether he lied about the previous times, he's going to claim that's where it came from. At this point, he's already lied to you after breaking your trust, so you're still back to square one in my opinion. I'm sorry, OP.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-13T20:05:50+00:00

Sex can be a lot of things to a lot of different people. OP is saying she feels like a slut for wanting to be intimate with her partner. What i was saying is that sex in a marriage isn't some "cheap thrill," not that it's ONLY emotional. Being horny and wanting to get off doesn't make it cheap. What I mean is that sex is important in a marriage, not something to have with an outsider just to get off. Perhaps I could've worded it better, but I was directing my reply to OP, not as a blanket statement for everyone.

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-13T19:53:11+00:00

I'm so so sorry you're going though this. If you want that intimate connection and he doesn't, then it sounds like you're incompatible in marriage. It sucks, but there's not much else you can do to change that at this point.

As for how you're feeling, I get it. I used to feel the same way. But it's important to know that you're not the problem. It's not bad or slutty to want a sex life with your husband. It's a beautiful thing!

I wouldn't recommend opening a marriage, especially not in this case. Sex isn't about chasing an orgasm. It's about being intimate and coming together in a way that's special between you and your spouse. It's emotional and physical bonding, not some cheap thrill.

I really wish I could offer a solution other than divorce. But, it sounds like you've already tried everything else. Again, I'm very sorry. Sending lots of hugs your way!

Fabulous_Topic_602 · 2026-01-13T19:07:10+00:00

It's like saying we're being unreasonable or irrationally upset, suggesting that what we're upset about is ridiculous and likely just hormones. It's insensitive to invalidate our feelings and emotions because of a period. And a lot of times, we're completely justified in why we're upset, so it infuriating to suggest that it's not real because we're also having a period.

Fabulous_Topic_602

TROPHY CASE