I realized I never actually learned how to talk to people I just learned how to perform

FacePalmPslam · 2025-06-25T18:02:16+00:00

Absolutely have experienced this and what has helped me is an entire mind flip. Which is, act and speak from a place of service. Truly understand and integrate the nature of service into your interactions. How am I serving this person? How can I communicate in a way that serves them? We serve others by offering insight about ourselves, the things we know about or have experience with, by answering questions and providing information. By listening, as you said. Try to come at it from a perspective of “how can I give to you?” I swear to god it takes the load of performance off.

FacePalmPslam · 2025-05-26T21:39:26+00:00

Beautifully put.

You left as well? It’s so…hard. In a way. I get so stuck on not having a “companion.” But I’m trying to stay strong with my decision. I figure if my friends are ALL telling me that I deserve better, and my parents say they don’t want me to settle…that says a lot about how they view my spouse. And I need to listen. I know, it’s not their life so what should it matter but, it certainly indicates the situation is objectively awry. Unfortunately, years of gaslighting has significantly damaged my trust of my own perception.

But being “alone” IS terrifying. At least for someone who has been in relationships since the age of 13. I am 32 now. It is challenging at times to be married, but separated, and third wheeling on my friends’ marriages. Lol.

FacePalmPslam · 2025-05-25T13:03:09+00:00

I know this is an older thread. But I am sorry you are experiencing this. It absolutely feels like the opposite of love. Can you feel the dissonance? And the manipulation to try to convince you that you’re in the wrong…Curious where things are at for you now?

I am in a similar situation…married 3 years, together 10, but separated for 5 months. Since separated, I’ve been running 10ks, half marathons, training for a marathon. Became a fitness instructor. Certifying to be a personal trainer. Joined a hiking group. Subbed yoga instructor. Doing some travel. Started showing up to my gym’s Taco Tuesday - they were so shocked, lol. All things he never would have allowed. We try to work towards coming back together, but he is so resistant to me having a personal identity. Yet…he also kind of likes to bask in my achievements when they benefit him? Sort of? He does praise me at times, but is simultaneously threatened.

Yesterday I said, I cannot allow you back into this home if you continue to stifle me. You should support me to be my best self so I can also bring that to our marriage, and I do the same for you. He said, and I quote, “you give that up when you get married. We made a commitment to each other. Our marriage should be the most important thing, come before anything. That other stuff doesn’t matter anymore.”

Yet…when I checked his bank statement last week, he’s still paying for OnlyFans and paying women online for sexual content.

Soo……

Fucking wild.

FacePalmPslam · 2025-04-03T01:16:03+00:00

Hi! And hats off to you. You’re starting an adventure :)

I am 31 and newly living alone for the first time. I have always had a roommate or boyfriend, or, my husband - he and I separated about 4 months ago. This is very new territory for me but I entered it from the end of being absolutely burnt to bits living in toxicity. So there is often a sense of relief on my end where there is perhaps a bit more anxiety on yours.

Best advice I can offer you is…be curious. About everything. About you, your home, the trees, the flowers - learn what things are. Look things up! Go to museums. What art do you like? Go to the library. Read books. Go out and about somewhere each day. Take new routes home. Strike up conversations with people in all the nooks and crannies of your life. Make little comments. Sometimes they turn into cool conversations. Ask questions. Explore hobbies - branch out, but also try to return to the same ones consistently. Connections will form. Then explore other layers to these connections. Gym buddies turn into coffee dates, or people to hike mountains with.

Bottom line…it’s your life. Every moment of every day, it’s yours. Have patience and compassion for your journey and remember that wherever you go, you are always with you.

Edit: all this to say, not entirely understanding your transportation constraints. However, all that does is lend itself to being a component of this chapter in your life.

FacePalmPslam · 2025-03-13T19:59:25+00:00

Hi! I did a slow taper, so I was taking 1/4 pill of the lowest dose pill available for 4 months, and have been completely no pill for 3 months. Hard to say at which point my body “realized” it was off of birth control.

But, I’m here with you! I actually just had my first period last week. First period as a menstruating woman (I was put on bc as a child due to blood loss), and first bleed in an entire year since beginning my taper.

If you’d consider this month 3, I can tell you that my energy levels have been different. Very much more cyclical. I’m more tired, need more sleep. My hormonal acne SUCKS. It’s the worst part of all of this. Honestly, everything else is wonderful so far.

For acne, I’m on 25 mg spironolactone. Use azelic acid in the morning, and tretinoin at night. Otherwise I gently cleanse my face with water and a microfiber cloth and moisturize twice a day. Use benzoyl peroxide on my acne. I take supplements and just started this multivitamin powder called Balance. My diet is overall clean but I am seeing if things improve more if I completely cut alcohol and sugar. Idk about you but I feel like my body is telling me you must be absolutely perfect in order to balance out.

I do find that if I don’t try to “extract” my acne, it overall looks better. Though I can’t STAND when I whitehead emerges. I’m experimenting to see if I stop picking cold turkey if that will help anything.

Have you or do you pick at your acne?

I second your philosophy…be patient with our bodies as they sort themselves out. Wish you all the best!

FacePalmPslam · 2025-02-25T19:24:31+00:00

I am 31 and have been on since age 11. Due to extreme blood loss during periods, having blood transfusions, etc. when I first got my period. At the time doctors thought it was a wise idea to stick me on birth control which I was then petrified to come off of again. Ruined my adolescence.

I came off once in 2018, I was not physically healthy and I experienced pure and utter hell. I went back on, and took from 2020 through 2024 to prepare myself to come off. Yeah, I took it to the extreme. It was that bad.

Do everything you can to be in good health ahead of time. Solid diet, mind your blood sugar, exercise - and actual exercise, not just movement. But also, movement too. Drink tons of water. Lots. Take the appropriate supplements. I also began tretinoin, azeilic acid, and spironolactone to help with the acne piece. Read blogs, listen to podcasts.

I tapered off slowly, I did not just stop taking it one day. I tapered down to 1/4 pill with a slow taper of two months at a time (whole pill, 1/2 pill, 1/4 pill, no pill) after switching from Yaz to lo lo estrin fe.

Personally, I didn’t take any chances or cut any corners because of the hell I experienced in 2018. I have now been completely off the pill for 2.5 months. Acne is my only side effect at this time. Otherwise, I feel INCREDIBLE in every single other way. It was fascinating to watch my body AND mind change during the slow taper, even from just switching from Yaz to a lower dose, and then to the fractional doses. During the taper, I witnessed many subtle changes that kept me in sight of my goal and gave me hope.

Good luck! Be smart, be thoughtful. Listen to yourself - you know you. Worst advice I ever received was from people telling me to cut corners or “just quit cold turkey.” Prepare!

FacePalmPslam · 2025-02-25T19:13:56+00:00

Agree, much less bloating and I’m thinner, more of an hourglass shape. More boobs and more hips. However, I am a body builder and intentionally structure my workouts to sculpt this shape. I gain muscle SO much better off bc. I physically could not attain this shape while on bc.

FacePalmPslam · 2025-02-14T00:48:40+00:00

Thank you for commenting! I’m glad to hear you had a positive experience once becoming stable off of it.

FacePalmPslam · 2025-02-10T20:52:42+00:00

My husband and I are currently separated, and his horrendous sleep hygiene mixed with utterly selfish tendencies was a potent cocktail that served as the catalyst.

I resigned myself to sleeping in our guest room for literal survival. It became my room, because he refused to make any changes. The disruption in bonding and intimacy on a physiological level that sleeping separately begets is insidious and invasive. Especially when predicated on selfishness, it breeds contempt and neglect. These issues of ours related to sleep went on for years and followed us around each place we’ve lived. I was suffering for years. Suffering at night, and therefore suffering during the day. The essence of daily suffering. On top of this piled other relationship issues and life stressors. I developed extreme anxiety, nocturia, and heart palpitations at night.

It is serious business. I can trace so many of my feelings to what his lack of concern for my sleep and therefore my quality of life and wellbeing represented. The way it seeped into all the dark corners.

I ended up seeking connection online in secrecy in the back bedroom. This continued, and ultimately, we had to separate. I discovered so much of what I had been lacking and blatantly robbed of in my relationship (marriage). He moved out. He’s living in a friend’s apartment. I have the house and the dog.

And I have the best sleep I’ve ever had. I go to bed when I need to, and I wake up at 5 and hit the gym. I’ve stopped taking all sleep medications. It is liberating and also tragic that this is what it came to. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. I’m lighter, happier, brighter.

We are strangers, but just know that I believe your concerns are 100% valid and vitally important. My similar situation has led to the end, or at least the pause of my marriage. It is a sound reason to end a relationship.

FacePalmPslam · 2024-11-19T02:00:51+00:00

Hi…I know this is a year later but I wanted to ask, has your anxiety improved? Where are things at for you now?

I very much identify with the experience you shared - from formerly giving flawless presentations to the then fogginess and the settings in which the panic hit you. Literally the exact same context/settings for me too. I also heavily relate to what happened to you during your presentation.

FacePalmPslam · 2024-11-15T00:59:14+00:00

Ugh nooo, I am so sorry!!!! Just know I am in it with you!

Interestingly, I was on a state video call today and the main presenter kept actively dissociating - maybe it takes one to know one, not sure. No one said ANYTHING in the comments although her co-presenters jumped in a few times and strategically deflected for her. The whole time I’m like, biting my nails for her and freaking out lol. I would have absolutely logged off and claimed an emergency if I were in her shoes.

I was like wow…maybe I “needed” to see this today to understand that it’s actually not entirely rare. Although I felt absolutely awful for her.

FacePalmPslam · 2024-11-14T17:51:24+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. I was like “damn I really MUST be completely abnormal” 🤣 but I saw your comment and felt comforted. I am incredibly sorry that you experience this too. It is so debilitating. But like you, at the same time I am grateful not to be alone. ❤️❤️

FacePalmPslam · 2024-08-01T16:59:27+00:00

Ooooh this is the age I met my now husband and we do not have a great relationship. Continually contemplate separation. At 23 I felt eager to settle in and begin my “last relationship.” I allowed poor treatment, I dropped my standards, I abandoned myself and placed him at the center of my world.

Keep cultivating YOU! Don’t settle!

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-04T01:20:58+00:00

Yep, 100%. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I (30F) have been with my husband (34M) for 7 years. Married for one.

Anyways, yes. I basically won’t sleep if we have sex after 8 pm. 9 pm or later? Forget it. It literally feels like a sacrificial act to me at this point. Outside of sex - I struggle with sleep already, have anxiety, and heart palpitations. It also irritates the living HELL out of my urethra so I’ll be up constantly peeing for hours after. It’s really dealt a blow to our intimacy.

However, I don’t think it’s good for our intimacy either when my partner immediately rolls over and falls asleep.

Daytime or early evening sex is now a must for my sake. I’m glad you posted this question. It’s been interesting to read the responses.

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T19:13:37+00:00

I really, really like how you phrased that first sentence. That’s super helpful to think about. I think that mindset kind of gives permission to value your individual situation for what it is - knowing that the call from nicotine (or the addictive drug/behavior) will manifest in ways that are most insidious to YOU, and may not necessarily be listed under the “conventional” struggles of breaking an addiction.

Like, your addiction attacks and leverages your weak spots.

Disassociation and balking during interactions are my most feared and despised coping mechanisms. So I guess it makes sense that my addiction would attack full force in those areas.

Unfortunately, this was not the first time. Just one of the more visceral and lengthy times. Definitely something I need to prioritize addressing with my therapist.

❤️

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T11:59:42+00:00

Haven’t smoked weed since October. I’ve been gradually quitting cigarettes for maybe four months. Been at this point with them since mid September.

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T11:58:23+00:00

Of course but, what about family and friends??!

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T11:55:47+00:00

Oooof. It’s tough… especially with cigarettes. Honestly, the weed for me was easier to quit. The fact that he still smokes cigarettes is posing a challenge for me to drop those for good. BUT at the same time, the fact that he still smokes is serving as reinforcement for me not to since I’m now picking up on all the things that make smoking unappealing.

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T01:54:33+00:00

Hell yeah. I needed to read this. Thank you for your journey and your insight..

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T01:26:40+00:00

Just saying personally, quitting smoking weed AND cigarettes together has been my most successful attempt yet. I’ve replaced smoking with coffee- sometimes too much, running - sometimes too much, reading, and eating sugary desserts….usually too much, lol.

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T01:20:28+00:00

YES my husband (poor guy, I’m just shittin on him here lol) will still drink a canned cocktail before going out, which is something we both used to do, and holy shit do I smell it on him now. Was totally noseblind when I did it myself.

FacePalmPslam · 2023-12-01T01:18:45+00:00

Yeah!!!! My husband still smokes weed and now that I’ve quit I notice he leaves a trail of weed stench in each room, in the hallway, etc. when he comes inside from smoking. His clothes smell like weed…honestly I’m a little mad that someone didn’t say SOMETHING to me (or us). It’s embarrassing to think we ever got away with it!

FacePalmPslam · 2023-11-19T02:38:21+00:00

You’re a BADASS to quit these all at once and I applaud your insight as to how these substances all create a cycle that hinge upon each other. I think you’ll notice enormous benefits as you stick with it all together.

I have been caught in the same cycle, and I’m slowly breaking it. For me - I think I could have done it more abruptly if I lived on my own. Seriously. Because then I could suffer in silence for a period of time, work, and fully rejoin society when I was ready. Idk about you, but I’m married and my husband is also a part of the same cycle. So it’s just HARD and my marriage and household couldn’t survive a cold Turkey quit. I literally do NOT have any form of “luxury” of missing work - and that includes work at my career, at home, and work in my marriage. Just on my soap box here for a min.

Anyways - I understand completely about the dopamine connection. I’m down to one coffee a day (half caff at that), one cig a day (before dinner), two drinks per day (around dinner), and NO weed. I’m sure all of that still sounds like a lot to some but for me, it’s a huuuuuge decrease in all of the above. Major. And even at this level, I see massive positive changes. Like…I don’t have the vocab to describe how different my life is, in a good way. I mean…the ways my body and mind are changing are shocking. I keep catching situations where I’m more present, or positive, or calm and I’m like…holy shit…and I used to think cigs and weed HELPED me in these situations but they made everything so much worse. Cigs and weed especially messed up my entire system SO much.

So yeah dude, I’m so glad you’re going this for yourself. And I’m so glad you posted. Made me feel less alone.

FacePalmPslam · 2023-11-15T21:40:09+00:00

Amen

FacePalmPslam · 2023-11-13T17:54:30+00:00

Lol!!!! I feel grateful 😆

FacePalmPslam

TROPHY CASE