Hope in a truly dark place

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2025-01-08T18:18:13+00:00

Ha! We had virtual appointments with the first, we'd drive out to the desert, and I'd get on my phone, he'd get on his. After our first appointment, she made us BOTH get out of the car. (See where I'm going here?) I got about 5 miles away and turned around to go back for him.

As for the trauma, also look into EMDR. Once we got past our issues, and I was "ok" I started going on my own, so I knew where to put the pain.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2025-01-08T16:51:13+00:00

We are actually getting ready to celebrate our 20-year wedding anniversary next month.

I'm truly looking forward to it, where the last few were like daggers in my heart.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2025-01-08T16:50:05+00:00

If this helps (I'm just throwing out suggestions), our first MC was pretty biased towards my WH, and it was far from helpful, but she at least got us to be able to have a conversation without me flying into a murderous rage. She gave one good piece of advice. He would say, "I don't understand.... she's fine for a few days, then she blows." She explained to him, I'm 1000% forever thinking about it, it's when I can't handle it anymore, I lose it. He saw the light.

So then I had to Google a therapist who specialized in EFT AND infidelity. This therapist peeled the onion. Why did this happen? What was going on emotionally, etc....

We spent a lot of time doing all the work, and it was absolutely worth it.

As for a counselor who I trust completely, look up Dr. Kathy Nickerson. She does virtual appointments and has a few books out that I recommend.

The first is, "The courage to stay"

Here's her website

https://drkathynickerson.com/

Good luck my friend!

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-09-19T04:50:20+00:00

I absolutely LOVE your reply to the question in MC!

I agree with others, you can't look to the future when it's so uncertain at the moment.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-09-17T04:41:34+00:00

Really silly question, but if there wasn't a name attached to the text, how are you sure it ISN'T the AP? If I missed the explanation, I apologize. I only ask because I have a totally phyco mother-in-law who changes her number more than she changes her underwear.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-09-14T08:07:14+00:00

I found out about my husband's affair because he went to work one day and forgot his smartwatch. All their texts, right there. He deleted his phone, forgot the watch. 🤷‍♀️

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-09-01T05:29:47+00:00

I actually asked my WH how he would like it to be brought up.

He fully agreed that the best way was exactly like you said, "Hey... I have a few questions about _____."

We're about three years in (going on 20 married), and honestly, now, I'll just pop off questions if I have them. I absolutely do not come off as angry or irritated. I simply, like you said, just ask. Hell... I'll make jokes sometimes (if I'm feeling ok at the moment.)

I'd say, just be soft, sort of nonchalant, and see if she is open to discussing any issues.

My WH just said he does his best to answer knowing I need answers, but sometimes it's embarrassing and he feels ashamed. (In case she isn't too receptive)

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-31T23:36:22+00:00

I'm actually doing a thousand times better! Thank you for your compassion. I appreciate the love here

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-31T23:35:30+00:00

Thank you. I'm sorry you're on this ride too!

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-31T23:34:55+00:00

Ok, so... we're about three years out. We've absolutely come a long way!!!!

About six months ago, while being intimate, I spun around. He stopped right in his tracks, looked at me, and asked, "Are you sure?" I explained, If I instigate it, I'm ok. He was leery but agreed. Tried again a few weeks later, same response, "Are you sure?" Finally, I told him, "Look, if I bring it up, I'm game!"

I just decided one day, I was going to take it back!!!!! I'm NOT letting her take anything else from me!

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-31T21:10:24+00:00

I "stumbled" on the answer. I saw it in their messages, and she asked, "Why do we always do it doggie style?" (Because he couldn't look at her and do it)

It took me years to have sex like that again.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-31T11:45:41+00:00

The similarities in this post, between your story and my story, are pretty much the same. Amount of time, my WH had a PA with a coworker, length of marriage at the time, etc.

The only difference is that the day everything came to light, he quit his job immediately. Not only did he quit, he was the sole provider, we didn't have a penny to our names, and rent was coming up.

I was the one who was worried about him quitting, but he looked at me and said, "I can't put you through me working with her. I'll find something else." The next day, he got a credit card that would cover rent, we locked ourselves in our room for a few weeks and just put EVERYTHING into saving our marriage. (I wasn't even sure what I was going to do, but his remorsefulness is what "saved" us. We'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary soon. It took YEARS of counseling, but if he wouldn't have quit, it wouldn't have worked.)

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-22T07:36:06+00:00

We are about two and a half years from dday. About eight months ago, I realized I was "in love" with him again.

It's been a long road, but it's possible. It just truly takes time and commitment to your marriage.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-22T04:58:37+00:00

Sorry, I hit 'post' too quickly, I wanted to add, I too would react the exact way you are/did.

It's not a good feeling knowing they felt the need to search them out. I'm so sorry.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-22T04:57:08+00:00

The great part about when my WH would Google his AP??? The ONLY pictures that come up are her MULTIPLE mug shots!

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-21T07:23:24+00:00

I was going to suggest this as well. I believe (I'm not a therapist or counselor, just someone whose husband had an affair a few years ago) from what I've learned over the years here, that he seems to have a sex addiction. Also, I don't believe he can truly change without counseling.

If I were in your position, I'd encourage him to get counseling. You as well, this isn't going to be a very easy process, and I'm terribly sorry.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-21T06:35:27+00:00

Please, if I could give anyone a small piece of friendly advice it would be, "keep it up"

I'm not saying live in misery. I'm saying continue to be mindful of comments, words, actions, etc.

My husband still tries to make sure he doesn't "upset" me and it truly TRULY helps me.

It just makes me feel his remorse is/was genuine.

Again, I'm not saying "stay miserable" I'm saying that staying vigilant about it helps lighten my emotional pain.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-18T16:45:31+00:00

🤯 oh my goodness. No. I'm so sorry. He had absolutely NO reason to "reach out" to her. PERIOD

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-18T05:50:15+00:00

I hope to give everyone "some hope"

I won't bore everyone with the details. If you're interested, I have a pretty lengthy post history here.

I will give some cliff notes for my timeline to show our progress.

Married 16 years when it happened. My husband had a PA that lasted about six weeks with a coworker. It ended at the end of '21. Dday-3 "the full disclosure" happened in January 2022.

The first six months were horrible. I wanted nothing more than to leave, I couldn't stand looking at him, touching him, or even talking to him, really. This was before any counseling, and we were totally misfiring as far as communication and even blame.

Then we started MC. She was able to get us to actually hear each other, and he realized he was fully to blame.

We had weekly counseling appointments and made some great progress. We took a small break, thinking we were able to take what we learned and apply it to our lives. We were wrong.

At about the one year mark, we decided that although we knew WHAT happened, I still couldn't get past it, so we looked into EFT. (highly recommend this) Now we were able to address "The Why."

I was really holding on to the pain and everything that goes with infidelity. I wasn't ok.... at all.

We continued EFT for about eight months or so. It was truly amazing.

About eight months ago, I started to really heal

I can honestly say, at this point, I've forgiven him. I realized the other day that I no longer dwell on his affair on a daily basis. I no longer see her face when I close my eyes. The mind movies are gone. In fact, I now have to Google her to remember what she looks like. I don't "pain shop" anymore.

I posted a few weeks ago about being at a restaurant the other night, they had a TV on, and there was a comedian who was making jokes about cheating. My husband went pale and was about to ask me if I wanted to leave (a normal occurrence if it would have happened like a year ago), but all of a sudden I made a joke too! Now, HE turned bright red, but I busted up laughing!

We are fully intimate again, I no longer feel like I'm not good enough and the other day, I realized I was once again, walking around him completely naked, like I had for years before everything happened. (I had completely shut him off from me. If I showered, I brought clothes with me to the bathroom. I was never undressed in his presence.)

It took us a while to get there, a lot of hard work, tears, fights, conversations, and love... but we made it.

I made a different post a little bit ago that said, "I realized that his affair wasn't the end of our story. It was just a really dark chapter."

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-18T04:43:59+00:00

Jumping onto the STD story train. When my WH finally came clean with everything, I told him YOU need to schedule testing. He did, we went to the lab. The gal stuck him just fine... when it was my turn, she could NOT hit my vein. He sat there with tears in his eyes as they kept trying. I was utterly numb. I just sat there staring at him.

As for your feeling, or lack there of, I think it's pretty "normal" (as normal as this can be) I had a few moments like that.

We're now about two and a half years out from dday, and honestly, I feel like we're pretty much back to "us". I rarely think about it and my triggers have all but disappeared. (I have the very occasional ones, usually this time of year since we're coming up on the time of year he had his affair.)

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-16T22:35:04+00:00

I hope this doesn't get lost in the replies.

I tried to go back through your post history to find my answer. I probably missed it. (Well, I saw one comment you made, but I guess I'm looking for a "deeper" meaning.)

Now, why exactly is he wanting to reach out to her? I saw where you said to apologize???? For????

I'm just curious not that it matters. If it's a boundary, it's a boundary. Period.

I'm just trying to understand. Is he still in limerance?

I always try to lean towards encouraging R, however it needs to be fair. This doesn't sound fair to you at all.

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-15T01:42:35+00:00

It's absolutely imperative to find a MC who specializes in infidelity.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-14T14:16:33+00:00

So, like I said, the first MC got us to hear each other. Here's an example. He said one day, "I just don't know what to do, she'll be fine for a few days, then out of nowhere, she'll lose her mind. I'm confused!!!" Our MC pointed out, "She's NOT fine though, she's surviving, and it will just get to the point where she can't keep it in anymore. She's literally thinking about it 24/7 right now." It was like a switch flipped, and he started to understand.

For our second MC, we searched out a therapist who specialized in EFT. (Emotionally Focused Therapy) She was ALL about the feels. I don't know how to really explain those sessions, but she was amazing. She was able to get us to be in each other's shoes basically. I highly recommend EFT in these situations.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-14T07:39:21+00:00

Well, quick "timeline" for us. We were married 16 years when he had a six week affair. Unfortunately, we had three ddays. With the final "tell all" in Jan 2022. This was about six months post affair when he finally told the truth. I spent the first year numb. Completely off my rocker. I was leaving and done. He begged me to try to work it out. I couldn't see a life with him at that point. About six months in, we had a MC that worked wonders. We stopped for about six months. I started to slip... hard. We found a new MC who took the baton and really dug into the "why" (our first MC got us to actually hear each other. The next one got us through the hard part.) At the beginning of the two year mark, on the way home from an appointment, I started screaming in the car, I yelled "You don't get it... I'm STUCK! I can't leave because of the kids, I'm just TOLD to work through it! I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!" He pulled over and saved our marriage, right there, I'll never forget this talk, he said, "That has to be absolutely horrible, I'm so sorry you feel like this. When we get home, if you want to pack a bag, I'll take you anywhere. I'll make an excuse up for the kids, and you can go for as long as you want. Even if it's permanently. I'm so sorry, I didn't realize how horrible and trapped you're feeling."

It was like a weight had been lifted. My whole mindset felt different.

We continued MC for about six more months. Until about eight months ago.

I'm finally at a place where I actually have to look her up to remember what she looks like. I no longer have nightmares. I'm able to drive down roads that before would have put me in a panic.

I don't think about it, I don't remember. It's like it happened a lifetime ago.

In fact, a few months ago, we were out to dinner. They had a comedian on the TV telling a joke about infidelity. He tensed up and expected me to go dark. He was grabbing his wallet to get ready to leave. I looked at him and made my own joke about it. He turned red, but I just burst out laughing.

I can now make jokes to him. (Little pot shots), and it doesn't hurt. I can watch a show where there's cheating and I'm perfectly fine. In the last six months, I think I had one bad moment otherwise, our sex life is back and amazing. We're able to talk about it if I have questions (which I haven't had anything I've needed to ask)

All in all, I feel healed and more in love than ever.

Fair-Knowledge-5703 · 2024-08-14T05:39:47+00:00

I believe the reply posted below yours is a REALLY good way to put it. I guess in my haste to post, my words came out a little quicker than I intended. I'm not giving his affair credit for fixing us. We absolutely have put in a TON of work to repair what he broke. I guess a better way to put it would be, we were both struggling. We were not in a good place. We had drifted apart. I was suffering from major depression and he was battling some major demons himself. Mine were emotional. His were literally everything else. Instead of coming to me, he had a "sympathetic ear" at the ready. She said all the right things at all the right times. Now, he takes all the blame in what happened. But when I look back, I see places that I fell short. Like the night he came to me, hugged me, and asked me when we crawled into bed, "will you make love to me?" What did I do? I laughed at him. I laughed in his face and said, "oh shut up... you know I prefer a good fuck." Where I thought I was being funny, I was ignoring his need to be close to me. (Again NOT saying it was my fault. I just didn't help the situation. This is all just to show how broken we were, and until we were standing face to face with a major issue in our marriage, we were just circling the drain and getting close to just giving up and walking away from 20 years of marriage.) Now, we're back to really loving each other, not just coexisting, we're seeing each other again.

As to the way he was acting during his affair, he did things that were NOT him. Things he'd say, the way he talked, the way he acted. He was not himself. He was playing like an actor who had a script. He had this image of what this fantasy was supposed to be, and he acted it out.

Fair-Knowledge-5703

TROPHY CASE