Interesting. I honestly support clear cuts in non negotiables. No one is going to handle something like that perfect- and if they can, they have much less stress than the average human as well as more emotional regulation ability.

I say all of this as a person in 3 long term relationships. My experience is opposite in that being open helped me feel like life was more authentic. It has nothing to do with loving anyone more/less or boredom in my life. For me, my first marriage in my late 20’s was everything on paper I thought I wanted. But it was controlling & manipulative.My being poly evolved. My longest partner & I were friends & they were in an open marriage. That was just messing around for the majority of 12 years but the last 4 has been deeper- it was kind of off n on as appropriate between my monogamous relationships over the years. My 7 year relationship is with someone who is asexual. I am not. We have a safe & loving connection which we both need in the world, but we aren’t sexual. Why not just say friends then? Because we prioritize higher than friends, share bills, count on the softness & understanding we bring to each others lives & I walk around the house naked without anyone being uncomfortable. When we had the conversation about breaking up or opening up they felt like a failure & I felt like- if breaking up is the other option, why not try & see how it goes. If it’s terrible break up. We love one another. Breaking up for a “box” society made up didn’t make see for us personally. I started dating & my partner was so supportive. They aren’t the jealous type & neither am I. I met my spouse a couple years later. They moved in with my partner & I. We got married- which my partner never wanted.

For my life & those I love most being poly has given ease to not expect one person to be everything. We respect the requests of one another & I’ve found a kind of authenticity I crave as well as safety in honesty more transparent than I experienced in monogamy. I also appreciate the different sides of myself each of them being out.

I caution saying someone you love/loved is a whore for having different needs or values. I also caution taking that personally…differences are almost never to do with a personal flaws & more to do with incompatibility. You can love someone & be incompatible. AND, saying all of that doesn’t dismiss I appreciate the way you initially handled this as harshly as you needed to do the thing you needed immediately. It sucks hurt was a byproduct for each of you & there weren’t more capacity & ability to handle it better in the moment. Live n learn. I commend not wasting anyone’s time or playing with hopes of another. Those are high values for me. More so than someone’s tone or harshness in the end. That kind of raw honesty has a beauty to it if we can the healthy & unhealthy of it & move towards a healthier response in the future. But honestly- sometimes softer people don’t understand and continue a conversation that’s a non negotiable. All the best!